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Advice, anyone?

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
172
At first, after mum's death, my initial feelings were of relief. No longer spending every moment worrying about her and over her. No need to worry if she were to fall down the stairs or turn the gas on. Then, slowly but surely, the emptiness in th house started to get to me. I had started going down the town on non-working days, keeping busy, but then along came lockdown. It has not been good for my psychological health, not all of it attributable to my grief-I am an overthinker, worry worry worry anyway. I had been thinking about counselling BC ( Before Coronavirus) but nothing happened because of that. Then I was given contact details for phone counselling, and suddenly I find myself wondering: should I/ shouldn't I? My big worry is that counselling will only force me to stir things up at a time when things are stressful enough as it is. I am not sobbing all day every day. I go through stages of missing her, I keep wanting to know that she is alright ( I believe in some form of afterlife). I feel I am in limbo. What has other peoples' experience of counselling been like? Does it make things worse initially? Sometimes I turn mum's photo , on my mantelpiece to the wall, I dont want to be reminded that day. Does this make sense to other people? Also, i know its a common experience, but after the flood of sympathy cards ( well over 20), I feel bereft since few people have contacted me to see how I am. They know my situation. I suppose they have enough to deal with in their own families, but even so, it only adds to the feeling of abandonment.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,530
Nottinghamshire
I found counselling very helpful for putting a new perspective on things so I could start to move forward @CWR . Mine was phone counselling. I still miss my loved ones but it helped .
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,532
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
HI @CWR ,
Your sadness and sense of loneliness are , in my opinion, absolutely normal ( as far as we can establish what is normal and what isn't).
You do not say how long ago your mum passed away, but it mustn't have been a long time ago. The process of grieving takes months before it gives way to bittersweet memories we can cope with and even enjoy.
Re counselling, I think it might help you
gather your thoughts and emotions and define what you want your new life and the years to come to be like.
Counselling is seldom disturbing , unlike other kinds of psychotherapy, but is a short term help, a sort of hand to grab in a difficult moment .
And, last but not least, if you feel you need your friends' help, I would suggest you ask them for it. I am generally unable to ask for help because I am always afraid of disturbing people and also because, in the depths of my soul , I am a bit in doubt if they really care for me.
Nevertheless, whenever I asked for help, I was surprised that more people than I had expected were ready to sincerely empathize with me. If few of them caused me disappointment , others , on whom I had never thought I might rely on, turned out to be a nice, comforting surprise.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
770
Hi @CWR, I recognise how you are feeling - it part of the grieving process, albeit compounded by the the current situation which forces isolation and time for reflection. There is absolutely nothing wrong in shedding tears for Mum, and over time the loss doesn't feel as acute, but that can be quite a long time.

In my experience friends often find it hard to deal with a situation where someone is grieving, often people think that after a few months or even weeks the wounds are healed and you have moved on, but that is often not the case. It is also quite difficult for many to discuss - although, like you, I wanted to.

I have to say I found counselling really helpful, and before the bereavements I experienced I could never have envisaged myself having counselling. It certainly isn't the panacea but is certainly does help. I didn't find that it 'made things worse initially' but it did make raise issues that I had perhaps buried, but that is actually a helpful thing. I found it helped me see somethings that were quite obvious really that were lost to me in my grief. I would certainly recommend that you try it.

All the best. Stay strong.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
290
When my father died, I barely cried at all. I think I had cried so much during his final few weeks, I had already grieved for him while he was still alive. Grieving is different for everyone but, if you were already thinking about counselling, it is perhaps worth a try. Most people genuinely don't know what to say when someone is grieving and so end up saying nothing at all. They feel awkward about intruding and after a while, it feels too late. Perhaps drop anyone you would like to hear from a quick note to say hello/how are you to prompt them. This quiet time is a good time to write letters.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,090
Essex
Dear CWR,

I know how you feel. I remember you saying that you lost your mum in November. I lost dad in June and the tears still flow especially if I hear music that he liked. Please keep posting here as I would like to know how you're getting on.

Love

MaNaAk
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
172
It's great to have a place like this, altho' I did have a call with a friend yesterday that helped too. Only people who have cared for someone with dementia can truly understand the ups and downs.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,090
Essex
Dear @CWR,

Please let me know how you get on with counselling and I may consider it again. I have a couple of friends who phone me every week and without them I don't know what I will do but on 12th June I will make sure that I speak to them. I do have other friends who I talk to but not as often as my soulmates.

Love

MaNaAk
 

ani

Registered User
Oct 1, 2013
2
manchester
At first, after mum's death, my initial feelings were of relief. No longer spending every moment worrying about her and over her. No need to worry if she were to fall down the stairs or turn the gas on. Then, slowly but surely, the emptiness in th house started to get to me. I had started going down the town on non-working days, keeping busy, but then along came lockdown. It has not been good for my psychological health, not all of it attributable to my grief-I am an overthinker, worry worry worry anyway. I had been thinking about counselling BC ( Before Coronavirus) but nothing happened because of that. Then I was given contact details for phone counselling, and suddenly I find myself wondering: should I/ shouldn't I? My big worry is that counselling will only force me to stir things up at a time when things are stressful enough as it is. I am not sobbing all day every day. I go through stages of missing her, I keep wanting to know that she is alright ( I believe in some form of afterlife). I feel I am in limbo. What has other peoples' experience of counselling been like? Does it make things worse initially? Sometimes I turn mum's photo , on my mantelpiece to the wall, I dont want to be reminded that day. Does this make sense to other people? Also, i know its a common experience, but after the flood of sympathy cards ( well over 20), I feel bereft since few people have contacted me to see how I am. They know my situation. I suppose they have enough to deal with in their own families, but even so, it only adds to the feeling of abandonment.
At first, after mum's death, my initial feelings were of relief. No longer spending every moment worrying about her and over her. No need to worry if she were to fall down the stairs or turn the gas on. Then, slowly but surely, the emptiness in th house started to get to me. I had started going down the town on non-working days, keeping busy, but then along came lockdown. It has not been good for my psychological health, not all of it attributable to my grief-I am an overthinker, worry worry worry anyway. I had been thinking about counselling BC ( Before Coronavirus) but nothing happened because of that. Then I was given contact details for phone counselling, and suddenly I find myself wondering: should I/ shouldn't I? My big worry is that counselling will only force me to stir things up at a time when things are stressful enough as it is. I am not sobbing all day every day. I go through stages of missing her, I keep wanting to know that she is alright ( I believe in some form of afterlife). I feel I am in limbo. What has other peoples' experience of counselling been like? Does it make things worse initially? Sometimes I turn mum's photo , on my mantelpiece to the wall, I dont want to be reminded that day. Does this make sense to other people? Also, i know its a common experience, but after the flood of sympathy cards ( well over 20), I feel bereft since few people have contacted me to see how I am. They know my situation. I suppose they have enough to deal with in their own families, but even so, it only adds to the feeling of abandonment.
Hi@CWR,
My mum has been gone just over 2 years now and I miss her every day. The raw hurt gets less I promise. On the subject of counselling - a difficult one because everybody is different. I can only give you my experience and perspective. I had counselling when I was still in the early grief stage because I wanted something (anything) to ‘fix’ me. The hole in my life left behind by my mums death was huge and I honestly did not know what to do with myself. I felt like an avatar in my own life. Counselling during that stage was too early for me. I can see that now but that’s the benefit of hind sight. I’m not sure when your mum passed but I’m guessing it was quite recent. You do what you feel is right for you but I kindly and gently advise you that timing is key and only you know if that is now. Much love to you.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,889
Hi @CWR I have just read your post and I understand how you feel. Dad died in February and the relief was immediate, just knowing that he was free from that dreadful disease at last was like a great weight lifting of me. I was very sad at the same time because he was gone but the sadness was for the old dad who I miss terribly. I miss the dad that died as well because he was very funny and always had an answer for everything (which I am forever thankful for)

My relief of course did not hang around for too long. Guilt and 'what if's' and 'if only's' soon crept in to replace it and worrying if he is alright, yes I do that as well. Crazy I suppose but I find myself worrying if I got things right and would my mum (long dead) have been happy with how I looked after dad.

I think the lock down has just compounded our thoughts and fears and deprived us of any way of just getting on with things.

I haven't tried counselling but the hospice did say they would ring me six weeks or so after dad died to talk about it. Of course that hasn't happened and I don't suppose it will. If they do ring I may accept because I would like to talk to someone about dad. I don't live alone, I have a husband and a son but I feel it might be good to talk to someone completely unrelated. I would be interested to hear how you get on if you do have counselling.

Try not to be too tough on yourself, it is a hard time at the moment and difficult to work out what our emotions are.
 

MrsMop

Registered User
Oct 24, 2019
20
One thing to add: you may not feel in control of yourself, but a good counsellor should always make sure you're in control of the counselling, and it goes at your pace and meets your needs. A good counsellor will give you time and space to explore those feelings that you think other people might not like to hear, or are tired of hearing, and will do so in a way that's safe for you. If they don't do this, find another counsellor!