Advice and thoughts please

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
120
Hi everyone,
I hope you are all well and getting through this difficult time.
My neighbours have been good and I feel there is a real sense of community that wasn't quite as noticeable before I think it will continue into the future whatever that may be. My partner hasn't been out at all due to his health and the advice to stay home for 12 weeks. I haven't been out to do a physical shop other than to collect my dogs epilepsy medication.

I am really wanting some views on the situation regarding my dad.
Dad has his carers into his home to look after him 4 x daily and thank goodness so far he has remained safe they have been giving him the full cooked breakfast he so desires each day which my sister normally does.
I have continued to deliver dads Wiltshire meals along with his other shopping needs weekly but have been as cautious as possible wiping down everything and in the case of some items less perishable I am storing them to take the following week or even a bit longer.
I won't go into dad as I have been so concerned about the virus. My next door neighbours are actually convinced they have both had the virus he feels he definitely caught before lock down and passed to his wife,. The gentleman's wife has been quite unwell for a while in fact to the point he took her to the hospital having spoken with 111 service however she was sent home again without being tested but 98% sure she was in the latter stage of the virus. The family across the road also feel they have had it symptoms being for the mum high temperature, cough and lost of taste etc little girl also exhibited temperature and cough husband mild symptoms. I recall she had said that someone in her Office had contracted it but it was a few floors up from where she worked so wasn't at that time thinking she was at risk.. I fortunately have not had really close contact with any of them but had actually reminded the lady next door not to come close one Thursday night when clapping for NHS as she had started to wander to my drive to chat. I reminded her of Social distance and afterward I had felt a bit embarrassed thinking it might have seemed a bit rude but so glad now that I said something. All of this has made me feel how easy it could be to get/pass this awful virus that has taken so many lives prematurely.

I found out 3 days ago that my sister had been into dad and cut his hair he told me himself. I confess I felt very angry but didn't display this to dad over the phone. The following day when I called dad she had been round yet again and did some gardening. I must admit I was quite taken back she would go round to his home yet again however I didn't say too much to dad when he let it slip as didn't want to upset him or make him think I was saying bad things about my sister. I did ask dad if she had perhaps worn a mask as his carers are now doing ( it took them long enough ) but he replied no she's my daughter and laughed. I am aware my sister has been into dad on at least one other occasion prior to this around 3 weeks ago and I did bring it up with her via email which I try to avoid doing as things are so bad between us and she said he just needed to see his dog but she wouldn't be doing it again. I told her I was concerned and confirmed that I would not be visiting dad myself that not only did dad need protecting as much as possible but also the carers going into him. I felt that the more people went in the risk would increase albeit dad does need his carer visits. I didn't want to risk carrying the virus about to anyone including my partner should I somehow pick it up.
In reality I cannot be sure how many times she may or may not have visited now as we simply cannot communicate in a good way no matter how hard I try so it is pointless my trying to speak with her and clearly she had no intention of updating me with any of the latest news.
My sister was told a few days after lock down that she was not to visit dad to cook his breakfast and was asked that his dog be removed I stopped going into dad a few days prior to lock down.
I rang dads home today to check if his carer had arrived for his afternoon call as I still don't feel I should be going into dads home and am following what I believe are the Governments current guidelines, one family member outside of the home with a 2 metre Social Distance but there was some real confusion from dad about whether his carer was still actually there. I was wanting to take dad his meals and fresh shopping along for the carer to take in but always check they are there before setting off. Dad has a 30 minute afternoon call and I can be at dads in just a few minutes by car. I decided to call the care company and see if I could clarify thinking maybe the visit time to dad had been changed but it turned out that dads carer was actually still there but that dad had been shouting at her aggressively and she had gone into the kitchen and called them to report it. Dad had said nothing to me other than his carer wasn't there but they were due and I know he can get confused.
I was told the latest news but in a roundabout way that dad has been behaving aggressively to ALL of his carers which sounds as if dad has got worse because it seems it has escalated a lot more. Perhaps this is due to the changes in his normal routine and his dog being removed and looked after by sister so its maybe understandable its been a lot for him to adjust to but sadly its been unavoidable.
I said I had actually emailed her a couple of days ago to say I was a bit confused as to the current guidelines and were my sister and I now allowed to go into dad and see him at home but I hadn't heard anything back from them. I hadn't actually said anything in my email that indicated my sister had gone in and cut his hair done garden etc. hoping they would clarify something or confirm any changes I wasn't aware of..
I was then told that it was felt that dads mental well being was affected especially as he no longer had his dog however she added that apparently he doesn't actually want his dog now only visits with it so maybe my sister is going to have to keep his dog long term or consider re- homing him. I said was my sister going to start going into dad again soon then to do his breakfast and I was told yes and in fact she had started this morning however she has been told she cannot be present when a carer is there and must wipe down the areas before leaving.
I am quite angry that I was not informed of the changes or indeed of dads accelerating aggressiveness.
I feel as if the care company seek to corresponded with my sister on all matters to do with dad because as of last summer she has been in a different position to myself through her choice and availability to provide dad with additional time which we had previously been equal in providing. In fact anything that involved transport or appointments I also dealt with as she doesn't drive. The care company are well aware of the personnel difficulties between my sister and I which accelerated when I could no longer go into dad on a daily basis without it being detrimental to my partner but I think they should still update me knowing that sister is unlikely to keep me in the loop so to speak.
I am calling my dad every day he says little of what goes on other than to sometimes complain at how he is treated. Personnel care is sometimes seen as a physical assault by dad and he may feel he is treated roughly but there is no evidence or reason to suggest anything untoward goes on and I have met most of dads carers whom all seem nice.
I am also registered in the same manner as sister on dads Social Services records therefore they can speak to us equally as dad had at one point given permission should it be necessary..
I am his daughter too shouldn't I have been kept up to date and have the chance to voice some opinion especially if there seems to be some flouting of the current guidelines or am I mistaken in what the guidelines are, am I being too pedantic?. If dad had no carers I would assume things may have been different.
I suppose I am asking should this really be allowed? should dad have my sister go to his home every morning then go back to her own home, husband and daughter and things go back to normal when the current advice as far as I am aware is still no visiting to a relatives home. My sister and her family are unlikely to be mixing with anyone else but she does go out to the pharmacy to collect medication. Dad is 86 yrs so is vulnerable but in many ways including his mental well being but I will assume that they must have their reasons for not wanting her there when his carers are in attendance when its not normally a issue..
I'm not wanting to sound selfish but this isn't going to make my position very popular with dad when I will still be declining to enter his home myself and that is very unlikely to change until at least the 12 weeks that my partner has to stay home for. I'm sure everyone wants to be able to visit their loved ones but shouldn't we all respect the guidelines that have been set?
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,265
You are right that it's a good idea to minimise contact with those who are elderly/vulnerable but the advice since the start of the lockdown is that you can leave home in order to provide care or help to a vulnerable person. From what you have said, prior to lockdown your dad needed extra help, on top of his care visits, that was being provided by you and your sister. So your sister going in to help your dad is permitted, with the guidance advising to wash hands frequently and maintain a 2 meter distance as much as possible. The carers will be going into the homes of lots of different people so I can understand them not wanting your sister to be in the house at the same time as them, and reminding her to wipe down surfaces after leaving, as that is good infection control.

With regards to the carers not keeping you in the loop, although you and your sister are both noted as contacts with social services the same applies to me and my sister but information is only communicated to one of us and I wouldn’t expect the carers to have to provide information to the two of us. The situation is different due to the problems between you and your sister but that is something you need to try and sort out between yourselves. You do seem to have some level of contact so just try to keep things civil if you can for the sake of your dad.

The best way of preventing catching/spreading the virus is to maintain a 2 meter distance where possible and to frequently wash your hands. I can understand that you feel concerned about your sister mowing his lawn and cutting his hair but providing she is following the advice and keeping contact to a minimum she will be minimising the risks to your dad. As your partner is shielding it is understandable that you feel the need to be more cautious than your sister with regards to providing care to your dad at the moment, but you mention that your sister is unlikely to be mixing with anyone else outside of her family so it does appear that she is doing what she can to minimise risks whilst still visiting him to provide care and help.

As your dad seems to have suddenly become aggressive to his carers then he may have a urine infection so perhaps contact your sister to say that the carers have mentioned his aggressiveness and ask if she could to keep an eye on him in case he has an infection? For info, here’s a copy of the latest government advice about what you can and can’t do at the moment:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publi...avirus-outbreak-faqs-what-you-can-and-cant-do
 

Hayley jane

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
25
Up until my dad going in to a care home both myself and my brother were going in to the house to provide top up care for an evening meal and much needed emotional support for my mum . separately of course. Both my parents are 89 yrs old and we have been caring for a number of years. Sometimes the carers would arrive whilst one of us was about to leave but they wore their PPE and we all stayed at a safe distance. They were fully understanding of the situation and it was helpful to have direct conversations with them. I was also worried about going in to the house but after speaking to the Admiral nurse ( in tears) she helped me put things in to perspective. Not only are our loved ones suffering with their routines being shattered making everything much worse, they are also being denied the comfort of their own family helping out under such difficult circumstances. . Both my brother and I discussed the situation and we decided we had taken all the right precautions As instructed by the government to keep ourselves safe and we concluded we were no more risk to mum and Dad than the carers. I also thought that whilst this virus is terrible and we must continue to follow the rules , I would never have forgiven myself if I had not gone in to the home especially as Dad has now moved to a carehome and I can’t see him now. I work in a hospital so I am well aware of the risk of infection etc but if your sister is being careful and taking precautions then whilst you are unable to visit try and think that your Dad has at least got one of his family members there which may be invaluable for him. if you and your sister can talk together she can offer you some comfort in telling you how he is doing. As far as the carers go , talking to two sets of people , this is just not possible. They really are under so much pressure and wouldn’t have the time, they can’t get in to the middle of any family disputes or disagreements. It is for you and your sister to try and communicate better. All that said , you will have a whole range of emotions going in here as you are trying to make sure your partner remains safe Whilst wanting to support your Dad. I think caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s loved takes a team of people and both you and your sister are part of that. You are both doing what you can and if you continue to sort the shopping, delivering it as you have been then you are doing your bit. This is such an emotional time but I know If I hadn’t had the help of my brother it would have been harder . On a final note , your Dad won’t be thinking logically about anything and It certainly won’t be in his mind that one daughter is doing more than the other. You and your sister love your Dad and you are both trying to do what’s best . Take care x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,915
South coast
It must be difficult for you - you are worried about both your husband and your dad.

I think that you are doing the right thing to shield your husband and not go into your dads house. However, going to someones house to give care is actually one of the permitted reasons for going out - even during the height of the lockdown, and I think your sister is in a different position to you. She is not shielding anyone at home, so I think it would be OK for her to go into his home. The advice from the care agency about not being there while the carer is there and to wipe down all surfaces is something I have heard of from other agencies, so it is probably standard and seems sensible to me.

I noticed the time that you posted - try not to worry too much
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
I agree with the other posters, your sister is visiting to provide care and support, so her visit would be considered within the guidelines. It's unlikely she would pose any more infection risk than the carers, and it's possible her visits may make things easier for your dad.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
120
Thanks to everyone for taking time to reply much appreciated general consensus seems all is ok for her to go into dad, originally Care Company had definitely said she was not to at all. I called my dad yesterday unfortunately he was very confused and angry said everything was in chaos and was still in his PJ's it was 1pm. I had called to check lunchtime carer there to take his meals and shopping in but as he didn't seem his usual self and carer hadn't arrived I had to call the care company. They must have been running late as I called dad at 1.20pm and still not arrived. I was told by office that dad hadn't been well had been sick in the morning and that they had called my sister who had said to leave dad in his PJ's which unfortunately by lunchtime had left him really confused as to why he still had them on. I took his shopping and meals round as was told his carer was now there he hadn't had his medication so they were about to give it to him. Sister had been into him to give his breakfast which he told me he had eaten during our call but obviously she hadn't considered contacting me to say dad was unwell when she became aware of it. It's very frustrating but I know all I can do is call care if I have any concerns such as yesterday. I have tried so many times to get along with sister even saying if only for dads sake but she's having none of it. I just can't try anymore as she is so spiteful because I can't help out anymore than I am already doing. Thanks again for your advice and support ❤ I just want what's best for dad.
 

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