Advice about Mother in Law.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Luna Lemon, Oct 13, 2019.

  1. Luna Lemon

    Luna Lemon New member

    Oct 13, 2019
    2
    It helps enormously to read other people's posts. My mother-in-law has been in a nursing home for almost two years now and whilst initially we visited a few times a week....for our well-being we just visit once a week now at a time which works best for mother-in-law. I can't quite explain how painful it was to watch her fight us away today. She has Lewy Body Dementia.....and is so aware of her predicament. And whilst very few words were recognisable....the gist was that we have just left her there......that we just say we love her....She would take no comfort today. Her anger was very, very real. She was tired....having unusually been kept up after lunch rather than resting a little....so I know the timing didn't work today.....But we need a way of coping with these visits without them becoming a breaking point every weekend. I sound so selfish.....and I know her suffering is unbearable compared to ours.....I do know, however, that my mother-in-law has lived her life to the full...for the first 60 years at least....She is now only 70.....I suppose I want to selfishly get back to living our lives to the full too.....Any suggestions with coping better in this situation would be most welcome xxx
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,306
    Merseyside
    Welcome to DTP @Lunamoon
    Could you visit every 10 days instead of weekly?
     
  3. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,441
    leicester
    Hello @Lunamoon and welcome to DTP I hope you find the forum a good source of support
    Could you ask the CH staff when MiL is most settled and try and plan your visits around that timing?
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,785
    Female
    I suppose I would question if you need to visit every weekend. What purpose does the visit serve, does your MIL usually enjoy it? On this occasion it seems to have angered her, which I think is relatively common - she needs someone to blame for her situation. If no one is benefitting from the visits you could consider visiting less frequently. Or your husband could go one week and you could go the next (and share it with any other relatives too - there doesn't need to be more than one of you at any visit). Or visit for a shorter time. If you keep doing what you're currently doing, nothing will change.

    I visit my mother once a fortnight, and sometimes it slips to three weeks. Neither of us get much benefit from it, she no longer knows who I am and sometimes isn't interested in sitting with me. I go to check she is being well cared for (which she is) but I don't want CH visits to dominate my life, especially when it makes little difference to my mother whether I am there or not. Think about what you can do to make it tolerable for you longer term.
     
  5. Luna Lemon

    Luna Lemon New member

    Oct 13, 2019
    2
    Thank you for your advice and support. We tend to visit together for moral support. She very much knows who we are and can sometimes enjoy our visits. My mother-in-law is generally quite angry whenever her husband visits. It certainly is a marathon not a sprint and I think sharing this between us more would feel better for our own weekend enjoyment and well-being.
    My best wishes to you and your mother.
     
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,785
    Female
    It is worth trying to share out the visits, to see if it helps. I always used to go with my OH for 'moral support' but I've been several times on my own in the past year and it was fine. As we are retired we aren't restricted to weekends and can choose when we visit, and I found it much easier to arrive when there is an activity happening so there is something for us to focus on - but I realise that probably isn't a possibility for you.
     

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