1. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Hello,

    My nan was diagnosed with dementia last August (2014) and is gradually getting worse. My granddad is currently in hospital and has been for a week and a half but hasn't been coping very well with her lately anyway and we think this has started his own deterioration.

    My mum is my nans official carer and has been staying with my nan since my granddad has been in hospital. This is all taking it's toll.

    My mum has a brother who just says "well you're her carer", this is correct but originally, being my nans carer was going over, making them a hot meal, cleaning, making sure place was tidy, washing and company for part of the day, now she has it 24 hours and can't even go home.

    I have been trying to think of ways to help my mum - has anyone used/using Admiral Nurses? Any experiences?
    My nan has very recently started attending a day centre once a week but that's all she will do at a push. She panics when she is alone.

    Night times are worse - without my granddad there my nan has gone into orbit!!
    The doctor prescribed sleeping tablets but she won't stay asleep/ wanders around the house says she needs to go home etc etc.

    Any advice appreciated.

    Thanks

    Louise
     
  2. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    335
    Hi Louise

    Admiral nurses are good but extremely thin on the ground! If your grandparents are self-funding could you try to put in some regular support for your mum? My father-in-law is incredibly stubborn but we have managed to find a lady who comes in as a "cleaner" as that is acceptable to my FIL.

    In fact his "cleaner" not only cleans but makes sure everything is fine, throws out rotten food and puts fresh food in, provides some company and entertainment, makes sure he is not running out of medicine etc.

    She is not from an agency so has time to spend with him. We don't mind if all she does is sit and have a coffee and a chat. Once the person is in place the support can be increased as needed. You could write your own ad on Gumtree or Care.com - although you'd need to get some safeguards in place like CRB checks etc.

    Other help and advice could be given by your local Alzheimer's Society - our local office is excellent.

    If your grandparents are not self-funding perhaps you could help your mum get assessments done by social services. Perhaps you could research contact numbers and/or online applications or whatever is in place in your area.

    Hope other TP friends will come up with useful suggestions.
    J
     
  3. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,654
    North West
    It's possible that you're thinking of Admiral Nurses as people who would help with the care. They do, but never in a hands on way. What they are us a great resource for people like you (and me) who care for someone else. There is a phoneline where you can find out if one is based near you and get help as well:

    https://www.dementiauk.org/how-we-help/admiral-nursing-direct/
     
  4. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Hello,
    Yes, you have answered my query, I assumed they were more hands on.
    I will call and see if there are any available.
    I'm not sure where we can get 'help', my mum cannot abandon her life and home to sleep on a sofa and be with my nan 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
    Thanks!
     
  5. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Thank you :)
    I will speak to my mum and see about a carer/extra help. Night times are worse, but I know my nan would be incredibly anxious if a stranger would come in. Also, as my mum said whilst she was able to go in every day and make sure they have a hot meal and cleaning washing is done we don't want to pay for meals on wheels who won't do what my mum does.
    In an ideal world we would want them to move to s sheltered accommodation self contained flat with wardens/care for dementia but seems that isn't available.
    I found a care home online which looked lovely and it was over £1500 a week!
    Although they have their own home etc, they wouldn't be able to afford that!
    So difficult!
     
  6. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    Why is there no care package in place? Has your nan been assessed by social services? I had similar experience with my mum, then dad died and everything became a whole lot worse. Care agencies can be a nightmare to deal with but if your nan doesn't have to pay for her care you can ask for direct payments and then you can choose her care. This is what I did and it works brilliantly. I have a really good agency providing a carer to shower mum and get her breakfast etc and I've found some private carers who sit with mum if I need to go out and also help with her care. Its a bit different for me as hubby and I have mum living with us now as she should not cope alone but I didn't want her in the care home as she is able to live fairly 'normally' with our support. I know though not everyone can do that or even want to do that. I think you need to find out your local Older persons mental health team and ring them and tell them your mum can no longer cope and you need an assessment. Be forceful as I was fobbed off so many times by SS and only when I complained to the head honcho, did I get the help needed. Hopefully you won't have to do the same. Wishing you the best of luck x
     
  7. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23

    That's another story - my granddad was in hospital last year also. SS called when he was home as the hospital had contacted them, they called and my granddad told them he and his wife were fine and his daughter looks after them and no thank you they don't need any help. My mum called and called and a lady eventually said she will visit, my mum said she would need to be there too and they also fobbed her off after that. The doctor knows all about them and just shrugs when my mum asks for advice and help.
    I think my nan would have to pay for her care - they aren't entitled to any benefits at all.
    The other thing they don't want 'carers' or 'strangers' coming in. My nan is in denial that she has dementia and says her memory is just as good as anyone of us.
    My mum is going to call SS and demand an assessment. We have finally got my nan into a day centre where she thinks she is going to work this last week but even now she said she isn't going again as it's "not her thing.
    Thanks for the advice!!
     
  8. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    That's is exactly what happened to me! Social Services drive me mad, they insist on speaking to people who really don't have the capacity to understand what they need, or don't like strangers in the house. I swear its there way of saving money!!! My dad and mum did the same when asked, no were fine daughter does it all, thank you very much goodbye!!!! After months of this was when I exploded and emailed the head honcho. Just hours later I had social workers coming out of the walls!! Help was arranged and all the right departments came into play. One of the main bugbears is no one tells you who to contact if SS can't/won't help. The whole system is a total nightmare and how anyone is supposed to navigate it is beyond me. No wonder so many poor old people are left alone to die. With regard to your nan being so adamant, I'm afraid you just have to ignore that, and remember nan doesn't know what's good for her. My mum was and is the same but she has now accepted the carer and really likes her and looks forward to her coming in, after all the shouting and threats mum made!! Its so hard isn't it, wish there was a magic wand!!xx
     
  9. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Without realising was same person, I just commented on your 'Sleeping Aids' post!
    Seems my nan and your mum could be the same person!!
    SS are useless - honestly we did have one who called me as my mum had given my number too in-case they couldn't get her and I am sure she was a school leaver - she didn't know anything. She said she would arrange another call / visit and it never happened! So frustrating.
    She can be quite nasty to my mum - saying I don't know why you come here, you're not needed and I know how difficult it is for my mum not to say "fine I won't".
    My mum is her 'carer' but this 24/7 needs to stop - my mum has given up her whole life and not been home to sleep in nearly 2 weeks. it's not an option for my nan to live with my mum.
    I will tell my mum to put pressure on SS.
    Definitely wish there was a magic wand! It's harder than we imagined it would ever be.
     
  10. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    Yes I just saw that lol, just shows we're all going through the same problems which in some ways is a small comfort to know we're not alone! Honestly I feel for you all, especially your mum. At least she has got you in her corner. I have 3 brothers and receive zero help from them with mum. Its a sad fact that you have to fight for everything but it is those that shout the loudest that get the help and your mum must for her own sanity and health. And keep on the case because once they know you won't go away, they will be on it. They do not like negative publicity, trust me! Being a carer can be so detrimental to health, I feel run down and depressed a lot of the time but I fight it as its so not me. xx
     
  11. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Wow! Snap - well not exactly - my mum has one brother who does the bare minimum!
    His answer "well you are her carer" I really am not sure what he expects of her, she certainly shouldn't have to stay every night and be there 24/7.
    I will pass this on about the negative publicity! You're right - SS have enough of that!
    Same as my mum - I try and help as much as I can but it seems we are doing all of it!
    With a son and 3 other adult grandchildren, my mum should get a break!
    She actually attends a carers group now - a 6 week course - it's just other carers getting together and talking which she says is useful. One question raised was this is all very well and good but what about afterwards! So they have decided to make it a regular thing even when the course Is finished.
    I have told her to get a user name on here too as it is so helpful even just reading it all! Of course, my grandparents don't have wifi so she hasn't been able to just yet, but I am going to arrange for it to be installed - and another thing my uncle will belly ache and moan about!!! I hope your mum sleeps well tonight :) x
     
  12. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    Yes tell your mum to join the forum, its been a godsend for me at times. I logged on yesterday as I was feeling rather low and then I read other posts including yours and suddenly no longer feel so alone. Mum hasn't slept a wink all night, wouldn't get undressed and when hubby and I fell out of bed this morning after a restless night, she came out of her bedroom hair all brushed looking fresh as a daisy!! lol! Stay in touch on here and let us know how it all goes xx
     
  13. LOU_JONES

    LOU_JONES Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    23
    Hello,
    Poor you! Hope your mum gives you some rest today! Nan does the same to mum, she told my mum she thought she was her cousin yesterday!
    I have told her all about the forum, she is going to join once she gets a minute.
    I went to see my granddad last night and he is marginally better also, mum said the guy who arranged the 'carers group' she attends voiced a strong opinion and said he was going to contact SS also to lay it on re: Care package! So that's positive!
    x
     
  14. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    Some good news then re care, the more people who shout the better! Glad Grandad is bit better. Lets hope he's soon home as that will help Nan I'm sure xx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.