Adjusting to a care home

[phadders]

My father has suffered from Alzheimer's for some years now. Fortunately, he has not been aggressive, and it manifests itself in forgetfulness.
Since his wife died in July he has lived alone in his bungalow, with carers visiting for an hour a day. Recently, his other issues--incontinence and depression, principally--worsened to sucn an extent that the carers said he needed more but that they could not give him more. It proved impossible to find a live-in carer this close to Christmas.
I therefore put him into a lovely care home near where he lives, but he has resolutely refused to engage with it and some two weeks later keeps ringing and demanding to know when I will take him home. He makes the same requests to his carers, too.
Does anyone have experience of this issue? Any advice will be welcome.

 

[canary]

Hi @phadders and welcome to Talking Point

Im afraid this is absolutely normal behaviour when someone with dementia first moves into a care home. They are usually unable to understand the reality of their situation and think that they are perfectly OK at home and able to look after themselves. It usually takes a couple of months for them to settle, so it is still very early days. Im a bit concerned about the constant phone calls, though. All the while he is ringing you he is constantly thinking of home and preventing himself from learning to engage with the carers. Is there some way to remove the phone? Could it get "broken" and have to be "repaired"?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @phadders, wanting to go home is very common. It's tricky if your father can remember exactly where home is. Some people with dementia want to go to a childhood home for instance. When mum first went into care she wanted to return to her flat. She'd forgotten how unhappy she'd been there and how often family and friends had had to bail her out when she got in a pickle.
The best thing to do is blame someone else. The doctor says your dad needs to build up his strength and he can go home when they say he's better. Or there are things that need doing to the bungalow and when they are sorted he can return. Of course none of those things ever happen. I know it feels awful lying to a loved one, but 'love lies' or 'therapeutic untruths' mean you aren't seen as the villain.
As for not engaging with things. The first home my mum was in has won awards for the amazing activities it has on offer, day trips to France to paint en plein air, afternoons in jazz clubs etc etc. I thought mum would lap it all up, but unless I was there to join in she really wasn't bothered. I think it was that her dementia had advanced so much she couldn't really grasp what was happening.
I hope your dad does settle shortly, but maybe in the mean time don't always answer the phone. It sounds counter-intuitive but he needs to look to the carers for help, not you.

 

[phadders]

Hi @phadders and welcome to Talking Point

Im afraid this is absolutely normal behaviour when someone with dementia first moves into a care home. They are usually unable to understand the reality of their situation and think that they are perfectly OK at home and able to look after themselves. It usually takes a couple of months for them to settle, so it is still very early days. Im a bit concerned about the constant phone calls, though. All the while he is ringing you he is constantly thinking of home and preventing himself from learning to engage with the carers. Is there some way to remove the phone? Could it get "broken" and have to be "repaired"?

Hi @phadders and welcome to Talking Point

Im afraid this is absolutely normal behaviour when someone with dementia first moves into a care home. They are usually unable to understand the reality of their situation and think that they are perfectly OK at home and able to look after themselves. It usually takes a couple of months for them to settle, so it is still very early days. Im a bit concerned about the constant phone calls, though. All the while he is ringing you he is constantly thinking of home and preventing himself from learning to engage with the carers. Is there some way to remove the phone? Could it get "broken" and have to be "repaired"?

Thanks for the advice. There is no landline in his room at the moment, but perhaps I won't charge his mobile and see what happens.

 

[phadders]

Hi @phadders, wanting to go home is very common. It's tricky if your father can remember exactly where home is. Some people with dementia want to go to a childhood home for instance. When mum first went into care she wanted to return to her flat. She'd forgotten how unhappy she'd been there and how often family and friends had had to bail her out when she got in a pickle.
The best thing to do is blame someone else. The doctor says your dad needs to build up his strength and he can go home when they say he's better. Or there are things that need doing to the bungalow and when they are sorted he can return. Of course none of those things ever happen. I know it feels awful lying to a loved one, but 'love lies' or 'therapeutic untruths' mean you aren't seen as the villain.
As for not engaging with things. The first home my mum was in has won awards for the amazing activities it has on offer, day trips to France to paint en plein air, afternoons in jazz clubs etc etc. I thought mum would lap it all up, but unless I was there to join in she really wasn't bothered. I think it was that her dementia had advanced so much she couldn't really grasp what was happening.
I hope your dad does settle shortly, but maybe in the mean time don't always answer the phone. It sounds counter-intuitive but he needs to look to the carers for help, not you.

Thank you for the helpful reply. Sometimes it would be useful to be able to press fast forward a couple of weeks!

 

[canary]

Thanks for the advice. There is no landline in his room at the moment, but perhaps I won't charge his mobile and see what happens.

He might get the carers to charge it for him - better for you to remove it. All the while it is there it is a trigger for the "want to go home" loop.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@phadders My mother packed up her clothing every single day for about two months. I know this because I was going in every days and unpacking her. At the time (over 20 years ago now) I didn't know that I shouldn't have visited so much. But eventually she settled in as much as she was going to. It's only been 2 weeks for your father - it's very much early days yet. Do ask the staff in a couple of weeks if he is engaging at all. He may start to join in. My mother did eventually. It's all about time and patience, which can be so very hard for us.