Actions? Answers?

[Motherof3]

My mum died, in a nursing home, on September 19. Death seemed to come quite quickly at the end. She broke her hip in August and had an operation to get that pinned, but seemed to come round pretty well initially; I had to visit nearly every day she was in hospital to make sure she ate as the staff were really stretched, but she was having some relatively lucid days. Then she went back to her care home, was bed bound as there was no way she could mobilise, and went downhill fast. My siblings and I were at our wit's end, so I called out the Admiral Nurse and he was really helpful. I did most of the funeral organisation and my sister and brothers are dealing with the financial stuff.

I'm posting today because I'm getting increasingly anxious and upset. I want to cry, but then feel like I can't breathe because the lump in my chest moves up into my throat. I wasn't that bad straight after mum died, and around the funeral (which was two weeks ago).

Things are really busy at work but I'm struggling to stay on top of things, and my boss is also incredibly busy so I feel really bad that I'm adding to her stress and workload. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I should leave my job and find something easier as I've no idea how long this will go on for. Any suggestions? I have sent a message to a counsellor I've worked with before.

 

[Red66]

Hi, don't give up!!!!!! You are doing so well but you are just not realising it. It takes time to grieve, everything after a death has to be done with military timing but grieving doesn't follow suit. That takes time and you will eventually find a new normal. Don't worry about stressing your boss out, part of a managers role is to support her team, not the other way round. Don't leave work, that's too hasty.

Sorting out counselling is a great idea, perhaps visit GP too if you haven't done already. My Dad passed in August, and I have really low days, whereas today I'm not too bad. Hard to get my head round how that works but I just have to go with the flow. You say you want to cry, then just cry, ok you may be in work but your mum hasn't long died and surely people will understand. Bottling it up will make everything worse. Trust me. Keep posting. Red xx

 

[Rettaere]

Get councilling

Please get councilling, don't block it out, I did and it hurts, I ended up with ibs and so many other stress related issues, it is so good to get everything off your chest. Please see someone. sorry to hear about your losses sending huge hugs Retta x

 

[jhoward]

It sounds as though you're doing amazingly well, Motherof3. I had a marvellous counsellor when my adult daughter died of leukaemia years ago. One of the things she said about work at the time that stayed with me is "Good enough is good enough". We shouldn't even try to cope perfectly, just be glad to struggle through in some kind of way.

You shouldn't need to be looking after your boss - she's a grown woman presumably, and part of her job as boss is to be aware of what you're going through. If that's too much for her, she's not in the right place organisationally.

Sending lots of wishes and support. Take care of yourself.

 

[LadyA]

Only a month since you lost your mum. That's no time at all. Up to now, you've been occupied - things to do, things to organise etc. Now, it's all done. Now, you have time to start absorbing what's happened, and to realise that that wasn't a passing thing - things won't be going back to "normal". You have to get used to a new normal. All that takes time, and grief won't be hurried. This is a time for being very gentle and kind to yourself, a time when you are very fragile. That's as it should be.

 

[piedwarbler]

Dear Mother of 3 ,
I'm so sorry you're getting those feelings of being engulfed in emotion. It's really hard isn't it.
One idea that helped me was to make a portion of the day where I could spend some time on my own and give in to the feelings and cry. I guess that might be hard if you've got younger children. My kids are older and can cope with me going off alone from time to time.
I also have a friend who has made herself a regular time to think about what's happened to her and she takes time out to feel sad before returning to her family. She even took some time out in a toilet when she was on holiday with her family.
But I agree with other posters that it might be an idea to chat to your GP. It is awfully early days, and it's important to be gentle with yourself. I went on escitalopram for a while and it got me through a bad time.
I agree your boss has a duty of care towards you, and should be looking after you. You could always ask to see Occy Health before you think about making any decisions about work.
It sounds to me like you're doing really well.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Babymare01]

Oh motherof 3 all you have written is me - inc work - but my mum is still alive. I have major panic attacks and I struggle everyday to wake up to get through the day to go to sleep. I keep saying go to doctors but for what - I wont have tablets. I cant afford to stay off work. I just say to self "just keep going" because that is all I can do. Im not much help im afraid but I can offer a big big hug to tell you that you are not alone hun.
Stay strong in your head and your heart and remember you are not alone. xxx

 

[Beetroot]

Once the funeral is over and the paperwork all done and dusted, if you're doing it, you have time to think and to feel the loss. Your reaction is perfectly normal and natural. You're not "losing it", you're human and you've lost your mum. It's very early days so I'd think twice about giving up your job. Is there any way you can have some compassionate leave for a couple of weeks? These overwhealming feelings will pass. Counselling may well help. Best wishes.

 

[Motherof3]

Thanks everyone. My boss is great, it's me who's the worrier. She actually phoned to see how I was later on the day I'd originally posted, and told me to stop worrying about so much stuff. Then I was in London with the whole team the following day and it was a great distraction.


I'm still in two minds about my job overall, but I've got some good ideas to chew over from reading other threads. I'm so glad the Talking Point forums are here; I've been telling so many people how great they are, and how more charities should do something similar for all kinds of issues!