1. Time trader

    Time trader Registered User

    Dec 30, 2014
    17
    Its been a while since I posted anything and Dementia is progressing as it always does I guess. What I did want to ask fellow carers is, has anyone been accused of 'stealing' from their relative/friend with dementia? We have and despite countless hours spent reassuring that the item will turn up (yes it does eventually) there seems no let up for us. Mostly its everyday things which always end up having been misplaced but occasionally its stuff that we have never seem or heard of, certainly nothing that was ever in our family home. I reckoned this was due to the regression of Dads memory, recollection of his childhood and tenets is crystal clear but he can't remember yesterday.

    So, if you've been accused you will understand how it feels and I would value your opinion and suggestions on how to take this forward.
     
  2. Stresshead

    Stresshead Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    96
    Hi Time Trader. This has happened to me on quite a few occasions and ramps up when an infection is brewing. Dad goes frantically looking for something but can never really tell us what it is !! The hurtful part is that, as he now lives with us, he says that that's about right for our house as we are always stealing his things. Obviously we're not but I've learnt that instead of getting defensive and taking it to heart I just remind myself that it's just another part of this awful disease and reassure dad that I will help him find it or distract him by chatting about something else and making a cup of tea.
    Sometimes it's just easier to go along with it. One time in hospital he accused a young lad in the next bed of stealing his wellies !! He doesn't even own a pair !! I soothed him by saying I'd have a word with the nurses and security and this kept him happy.
    Don't take it to heart.......we keep learning as we go along.
    Take care x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    237
    My Ma accusing my step-daughter and her boyf of stealing her jewellery a number of years ago is actually what made my dad explore whether Ma's difficult behaviour was something other than the usual challenging behaviour we'd lived with all our lives. It was the final thing that made us pursue with the GP an investigation into her mental health and how we finally got a diagnosis of dementia. Ma accuses all sorts of people of stealing from her -- usually my son. Her accusations go from the taking of money, jewellery through to drinking her gin. I just ignore it now but for my son it's very hurtful especially when it's accompanied with the statement: "I should never have allowed you to live in my house." My lad is only 16. The thing that concerns me now, however, is that as we ramp up the contact with carers as Ma deteriorates and I've really reached the end of my capacity to deal with her is the possibility that one of these days one of the carers or someone else in the house might steal from her and then what?
     
  4. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    Oh yes, Mum accused my sister of taking her clothes and of stealing the pan that the handkerchiefs used to get boiled in. She also accused Dad of killing the cat with a bash on its head, the cat had died ten years previously, certainly not killed by dad.
    I guess the irony was that mum actually stole stuff from us all the time, we learned never to leave keys or mobile phones unattended or handbags on display. She was also prone to bashing us on the head completely unexpectedly. (it wasn't mum it was her illness of course)
    We were just supportive of each other, there was nothing we could say to mum to convince her she was wrong, we simply had to wait it out until she moved on to the next thing.
     
  5. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    Funnily enough my Mum has just accused us of stealing her false teeth cleaner a few minutes ago.
     
  6. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Hi, being accused of stealing happened to me on a large scale by Mum and neighbours around her believed it along with all sorts of stories about me never helping (I was the only one helping) sadly. For me it was a daily part of the struggles and I was also called all manner of hideous names and insulted, which really hurt me - when I was in the midst of all of it I just wasn't able to understand it. After years of it I was called to account to the Police when she'd rung them (again) to say I'd taken her jewellery and locked her in the house :(. Shortly after this she was sectioned into hospital as she was so agitated and psychotic. She is now in a care home and on medication, is very loving towards me sometimes and the abuse and accusations have stopped. My Mum has Alzheimer's. I agree with stresshead about checking for an infection, as this really does exacerbate things. Also, can you get your Dad's medication looked at, added to or changed? Since Mum went into care her meds are monitored and she's much calmer, whereas when she was at home she wouldn't take anything as she couldn't work out how to, despite my continued help bless her, and she became paranoid of getting all the side effects after reading the patient information leaflets cover to cover and was on edge all the time. Now with the meds she is less agitated although she will always have elements of her personality there. Also, if it helps and I know it's so hard, try not to take it personally, go with the stories and reassure him in the moment it's happening and then change the subject. Perhaps he could have some anti-anxiety meds? It definitely is learn as you go along. All the best.
     
  7. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    My sister was down to see mum yesterday and near enough accused her of stealing money.
     
  8. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    99
    That was my first indication that something was really going badly wrong. It started with accusations of stealing, taking money out of her bank account, etc. within a few weeks it moved onto me trying to murder her, keeping my daughter in prison, then actually murdering her until her gp resuscitated her. The day after that one she was sectioned. 6 months on she is still highly delusional about the weirdest things, violent towards if I visit and towards others at times. I get so frustrated about the public perception of dementia being just about memory. I did too until I watched some of Teepa Snow's lectures on YouTube. I'd definitely recommend watching them for some reassurance.
     
  9. Kon Dealer

    Kon Dealer Account Closed

    Apr 25, 2015
    18
    My mother accused my father of stealing her money and hitting her. Eventually my mother was sectioned and we were then able to go through her room. On opening the hundreds of knotted plastic bags, she had stuffed in every drawer and crevice, we found over £5000 along with toilet paper, scribbled notes and other rubbish.

    Unfortunately it is par for the course. Added to that the GP was worse than useless, refusing to see her, despite the fact we knew she was ill and begged for a visit. Apparently it was "against her Human rights".
     
  10. witchpig

    witchpig Registered User

    Dec 31, 2011
    270
    Maidstone Kent
    I was accused of stealing by my mother. She even called the police and when they came out to see me they were really helpful. At first they tried to act as mediators then when they finally saw the state of mum and her living conditions, they were even more helpful. They were the ones who put me onto this website. They were very reassuring that if mum contacted them again they would log the incident and make out they were dealing with it. If she contacts them too often they will contact social services for me.

    That was a couple of years ago and even now I tend not to go to see mum on my own. That was another piece of advice from the police.
     

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