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Accusations

Annette. M

Registered User
Jun 11, 2021
12
0
My dad was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2015. Things weren't too bad for a few years, until I got power of attorney for his finances. He very quickly became paranoid I was stealing his money. I just kept reassuring him I would never do this. For Father's day I bought him a new watch that speaks the time and date (he can never remember the date). He really liked his new watch,but now it's causing problems. He's now accusing me of stealing his old watch. He says I ripped it off his wrist and said I was going to throw it away. He's obviously dreamt about this and believes it is real. It doesn't help that he's put the watch somewhere and can't find it. How do I deal with this? Has this happened to anyone else?
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
15,134
0
South Staffordshire
@Annette. M

It is a very common thing with dementia that accusations of stealing arise. Something goes missing because it has been hidden or put somewhere safe by them and it becomes a stollen Item. My husband was always moving and putting things in weird places and then saying someone had been in the house and stollen the object. I would then go hunting and if I found it I was accused of hiding it to make it look as if he was going mad. I was the cause of people thinking he was ill. For me it was a battle I never won. If I didn’t look for the missing item then it remained an ongoing saga of burglars or if I found it then I was accused of hiding it with the intention of making him look worse than he was. It did eventually disappear as a problem only to be replaced by yet another.
 

Annette. M

Registered User
Jun 11, 2021
12
0
Hi, yes it's so hard to cope with. I went to see him this morning and couldn't stay as long as I wanted to. He kept asking where his watch was. He first said I threw it in my bag. A little later he said I told him he may as well throw it away. Looked in the rubbish bin, but it had been emptied a couple of days ago. I find it so hard that he no longer trusts me. Sorry for the rant. Needed to get it out.
 

56von

Registered User
Jun 19, 2022
28
0
I get that too. Mum sometimes ransacks the house for somethimg or other which is missing (although said item is NOT missing). I can't convince her she's wrong, she then gets upset cos I "obviously don't believe" her, then comes the accusations and the "well somebody's got it!" looking at me angrily. I don't know how to cope with this. It seems to be part of the dementia package unfortunately,
 

Annette. M

Registered User
Jun 11, 2021
12
0
56von, it will probably be forgotten by my dad in a couple of weeks. As you say, it will be something else pretty soon
 

Callygirl

New member
Jun 23, 2022
1
0
My dad was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2015. Things weren't too bad for a few years, until I got power of attorney for his finances. He very quickly became paranoid I was stealing his money. I just kept reassuring him I would never do this. For Father's day I bought him a new watch that speaks the time and date (he can never remember the date). He really liked his new watch,but now it's causing problems. He's now accusing me of stealing his old watch. He says I ripped it off his wrist and said I was going to throw it away. He's obviously dreamt about this and believes it is real. It doesn't help that he's put the watch somewhere and can't find it. How do I deal with this? Has this happened to anyone else?
Hi. Just reading your post, I can totally relate to it. My dear friend who I have been trying to look out for, for past couple of years has dementia which is getting progressively more severe. I have experienced all the same typical behaviours of someone with dementia...but have become extremely frustrated that she constantly gives her money away to anyone......it seems to me that she is aware that when she hands money out....people like her! she gives her money freely to anyone who comes to the house - be it a utility person, or a neighbour. Last year, I checked her bank statements and saw that her balance per month was less than £1000 and she has no savings. In other words, she is not a wealthy lady. she has just the state pension to live on. So, for the past 18 months, I have taken her shopping twice a week, and taken care of all her normal day to day affairs . During the 18 months that I had been intervening, her her bank balance had improved vastly to a healthy £4000 per month. (because I was with her and she wasn't giving her money away or spending it ridiculously and also, I was there to ensure the receivers of her generosity didn't take it either!). However. 4 months ago, she had a couple of dog walking friends call around to see her for an hour. Their visit happened to co-incide with a visit from the Adult Mental Health team because I had become extremely concerned about her personal hygiene and general welfare and I was trying to organise help at home for her (as I live about 45 minutes away). When I explained to these two senior women in a very polite way, that it would be better if they could call back after the social team had visited, they seemed to take real umbrage at this. I think they suggested to my friend that I was controlling her life and who was I? (and I actually think they suggested to my dementia friend that I was trying to have her put into a care home, which wasn't correct - this was based on the fact that, when they did enter the house, they found kitchen sink was full of dirty crockery and they wanted to wash up. However, I gestured that they shouldn't do this, because I wanted the ADULT mental health team to see how she WASN'T managing.... for me it was really important that I got my friend the home help I felt she now needed. However, I think they saw this as an indication that I was trying to have her put away!). The Adult Mental Health team arrived and after a quick assessment of my friend, quickly concluded that she needed social care assistance in her home. Anyway, The following day, I arrived at my friends to find the two dog walkers back. When my friend opened her door, I greeted her with the same cheerful smile, she launched into an attack, accusing me of stealing all her money. |she yelled at me, actually very aggressively, telling me she hated me and that I had done nothing for her but steal her money. I am sure you can imagine how deeply hurt I was as I had only ever done anything to help her and to actually stop her giving her money away. very very. upsetting and hard to fathom when you havent dealt with anyone suffering with dementia>...
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,404
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Callygirl

I’m sorry to read about your experience with your friend, sadly it is common. If you stay away for a while she’ll probably forget all about what she’s said, although I know you won’t!

You can console yourself with the fact that you have done your best for her.

Welcome to the forum anyway. You’ll find lots of people who understand here.
 

Annette. M

Registered User
Jun 11, 2021
12
0
Hi. Just reading your post, I can totally relate to it. My dear friend who I have been trying to look out for, for past couple of years has dementia which is getting progressively more severe. I have experienced all the same typical behaviours of someone with dementia...but have become extremely frustrated that she constantly gives her money away to anyone......it seems to me that she is aware that when she hands money out....people like her! she gives her money freely to anyone who comes to the house - be it a utility person, or a neighbour. Last year, I checked her bank statements and saw that her balance per month was less than £1000 and she has no savings. In other words, she is not a wealthy lady. she has just the state pension to live on. So, for the past 18 months, I have taken her shopping twice a week, and taken care of all her normal day to day affairs . During the 18 months that I had been intervening, her her bank balance had improved vastly to a healthy £4000 per month. (because I was with her and she wasn't giving her money away or spending it ridiculously and also, I was there to ensure the receivers of her generosity didn't take it either!). However. 4 months ago, she had a couple of dog walking friends call around to see her for an hour. Their visit happened to co-incide with a visit from the Adult Mental Health team because I had become extremely concerned about her personal hygiene and general welfare and I was trying to organise help at home for her (as I live about 45 minutes away). When I explained to these two senior women in a very polite way, that it would be better if they could call back after the social team had visited, they seemed to take real umbrage at this. I think they suggested to my friend that I was controlling her life and who was I? (and I actually think they suggested to my dementia friend that I was trying to have her put into a care home, which wasn't correct - this was based on the fact that, when they did enter the house, they found kitchen sink was full of dirty crockery and they wanted to wash up. However, I gestured that they shouldn't do this, because I wanted the ADULT mental health team to see how she WASN'T managing.... for me it was really important that I got my friend the home help I felt she now needed. However, I think they saw this as an indication that I was trying to have her put away!). The Adult Mental Health team arrived and after a quick assessment of my friend, quickly concluded that she needed social care assistance in her home. Anyway, The following day, I arrived at my friends to find the two dog walkers back. When my friend opened her door, I greeted her with the same cheerful smile, she launched into an attack, accusing me of stealing all her money. |she yelled at me, actually very aggressively, telling me she hated me and that I had done nothing for her but steal her money. I am sure you can imagine how deeply hurt I was as I had only ever done anything to help her and to actually stop her giving her money away. very very. upsetting and hard to fathom when you havent dealt with anyone suffering with dementia>...
Hi, just read your post. It's really hard not
to be upset about these accusations. But I try to remember it's the illness making my dad think these things are happening.
Try to remember this with your friend.