Accidental Invisibles

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I can only say that at least you will have tried. SS like to try carers in 3 times a day before considering a care home too. If this doesnt work it may show the rest of the family that a care home is necessary and may also overcome problems if she still refuses to go.

Checking out care homes sounds like a good plan.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,259
0
High Peak
I wonder if BIL could be persuaded to get a few weeks respite care for MIL while the family discuss the situation further to find a solution? (I think like you that the solution is actually a care home, but the siblings disagree...) That would maybe allow time to find a different/better agency if they decide to try care at home again.

Do you have any input or do you try to keep out of the disputes and leave them to it? (Apart from supporting your OH of course!) I think the one thing to keep stressing is that poor MIL will only deteriorate from where she is now and that her needs will only increase, so further care at home is only delaying the inevitable...
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,917
0
Yorkshire
Such a shame there's been more back and forth and mind changing between the family. I hope it works and if not then hope that its not too long before everyone agrees care home best thing for you MIL. It's such a hard thing to decide and everyone agree on. good luck with it all ? ?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
The care agency started last week and husband was up there again to help out with his mother and be there for the first visit. The family seem to have struck lucky with a small local agency, who'll be mainly sending in the same two carers. The one my husband has met is lovely and he thinks his mum will really take to her when she'd got over her annoyance at strange people being in her house. I've trained my husband well. His mother got cross about not having agreed to carers, having forgotten she was there when they came round to assess her and she'd been persuaded it was necessary. Rather than arguing that she'd forgotten he just apologised for not having told her and changed the subject.
I still think a care home would be preferable, and I think t won't be long before it is inevitable. She's alone at night in a house she no longer recognises which sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me. Still at least at the moment all the siblings are happy enough with what's been put in place.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,917
0
Yorkshire
Glad to hear care agency are looking good. Mums care agency sent two same ones to mum which i think worked well. Especially one who came most of time as her and mum got on well. She was lovely and the type of person mum would have been friends with if met pre dementia. Though in the end even she struggled to convince mum to do things or stay home. Well done to you and hubby on how handled his mums upset over them coming.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
808
0
Good to hear that things sound promising with the carers @Sarasa , although it does seem that this will be only a temporary fix and a care home is what she really needs. Hoping that all of the family will realise this before there is a crisis.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
476
0
@Sarasa I’ve only just noticed this thread and read the whole thing. Your MIL sounds very much like my pwd, in personality and stage of dementia, and the family dynamic quite similar also. I’m coming to a crossroads where a difficult decision will have to be made. I’ll be very interested to see how this carer situation works out. Thanks for sharing, it’s made things a bit clearer for me.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @DreamsAreReal, it is so tricky when you get to the stage where what the PWD wants is so in opposition to what they need. Through in siblings with different ideas and it can get very tricky indeed. I'm in awe of my husband's family managing to work together even though their own personal opinions are so different.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
I thought I'd update this as it's three months since I last posted about my mother-in-law.
Having carers coming in seems to be working as well as it can. The company are great as are the carers, it's mainly been the same one and mother in law seems to get on really well with her. A plus point is that not having to do all the care has, until recently, made my brother in law more relaxed about things which means the relationship between the four siblings has been a lot better too.
This week though MiL hasn't been well, she has a pressure sore and probably a UTI and constipation. I think it's flagging up that the care visits are probably not enough and a move to a care home isn't far off. BiL is gradually coming round to accepting the idea, but isn't quite there yet. We should be moving a lot nearer to her in the next few weeks which will make it so much easier for my husband to visit and become more involved in decisions about his mother's care.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
It`s a bonus when the same carer is available at all times @Sarasa

Good luck with your move too. It will certainly be easier when you are nearer to your mother in law.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,144
0
Southampton
I thought I'd update this as it's three months since I last posted about my mother-in-law.
Having carers coming in seems to be working as well as it can. The company are great as are the carers, it's mainly been the same one and mother in law seems to get on really well with her. A plus point is that not having to do all the care has, until recently, made my brother in law more relaxed about things which means the relationship between the four siblings has been a lot better too.
This week though MiL hasn't been well, she has a pressure sore and probably a UTI and constipation. I think it's flagging up that the care visits are probably not enough and a move to a care home isn't far off. BiL is gradually coming round to accepting the idea, but isn't quite there yet. We should be moving a lot nearer to her in the next few weeks which will make it so much easier for my husband to visit and become more involved in decisions about his mother's care.
sorry your M-I-L is not well. pressure sores are not easy to treat along with a UTI has probably knocked her off her feet. ive had one this week and i have felt awful.can you hold off until you move or do decisions need to be taken now? hope your MiL gets better soon
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,917
0
Yorkshire
Sorry to hear MIL not well, but glad to read care visits are helping some and BIL is coming round to idea of more help being needed for his mum. Sure your OH will feel better when he is closer and can be more involved with decision making and care ?
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
808
0
Pleased to hear that things have been going well with careers for your MIL. Sorry she's not too good at the moment, but maybe this will help your BIL realise that she would benefit from more support. Hope things go smoothly with your move. Being closer can only make things easier for you.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Just another quick update. On Friday the GP visited my MiL at the behest of the care company and its been decided that she should move to a care home. I think this is a sensible decision. I haven't seen her for nearly a year, but my husband who has been going over once a week since we moved 50 minutes rather than four hours away from her, says that most time his mother doesn't want to get out of bed. Even with carers in three times a day and regular visits from her children she is home alone far too much, and there have been concerns about un-identified bruising.
It's going to be tricky finding somewhere that all the sibling agree too. Two of the siblings were dead set against a move, and even though my husband and his sister think it will be the best thing for their mother they are both concerned that a move could shorten her life. There is going to be a zoom family conference about it tomorrow, and I hope they can come up with a plan they are all content with.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
0
Chester
I hope the family zoom conference went well.

I know you and OH have felt a care home would be in your MILs best interests for a while.

It is very difficult when family members disagree - partly due to lack of insight over the needs of the PWD.

A move to a care home doesn't necessarily shorten life as the benefit of lots of social contact can be so positive.

Think this is on it's way to happening for my MIL (phonecall from one of her friends on Saturday) as her friends now think it's time, OH is happy to be guided by them but his sister is dead set against it. MIL will also fall into the category of 'having capacity' when she has no insight into the issues but is very convincing in her conversation.

I had a conversation with a fellow parent yesterday who has taken a year off as sabbatical to look after his elderly parents and urged him to consider alternatives to parents staying at home as it can actually make them happier - he'd not thought of it that way and was planning to try to keep them at home for as long as possible.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
The zoom meeting went well. The family are in general agreement about a move, and the care company seem to be happy if it takes a while to find somewhere. The family are doing some research at the moment, but have agreed on a general area for the search which means she'll be within easy reach more or less of all of them.
I'm considering moving my mum nearer our new home and am going to look at a place on Wednesday. My husband is coming with me, not so much as thinking of it for a place for his mother, but so he can get his eye in as to what to look for in a care home.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
I hope the searches go well @Sarasa

It`s important to have care homes as near as possible to enable regular visiting without too long a journey.

I remember how distressing my search for a care home became. The standards and atmospheres were so different
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
My husband and I had an interesting time visiting care homes last week. We're moving my mum too so although we're looking in two different areas some of the things I learned from looking at homes for MiL were useful for deciding on home for my mother. What was most interesting is that a home that is great for one person wouldn't be suitable for another. One home I saw for my mother I'd move MiL into straight away, but it wouldn't suit my mother at all. Unfortunately it's too far from the other family members.
In the end the family have decided on a home we haven't seen, though the other siblings have. It looks lovely, and I hope that they accept MiL and she settles there. It very much seems the sort of place that will ask 'difficult' residents to leave. Unlike my mother, MiL isn't usually difficult, though she can have her moments, so fingers crossed it will work out. With a bit of luck she'll move in about a month, shortly after my mother has moved up here.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Mother in law moved into a care home yesterday. My husband and elder sister did the moving and it went well. The home seem good in that they took on board little things like mil’s preference in tea and they’d arranged her room to look like her one at home.
Husband is slightly concerned the room is a long way from the dining room and lounge, but as they wanted a home where mil could have some quiet space, that is probably a good thing, as long as they can get her there for some meals and activities.
Family can visit at any time which is great.