Accidental Invisibles

[jugglingmum]

At the moment her needs aren't being met as the focus seems to be on what she wants.

Such a frustrating situation. I know you commented on similarities between your MIL's situation and mine, and it is so hard standing on the sidelines when you know the issues and can see what you think is the right path. At least your husband can see that a care home is needed - I'm not sure he did a while ago.

I think my husband can see more clearly what will be needed with his mum too, but we have other issues beyond that.

My MIL is not as far along as yours - but we know things can happen quickly.

The poo incident that happened early in the morning could easily be repeated at any time of day, and for MILs dignity she needs someone there 24/7, she was clearly aware of things to some extent.

But you and your husband know this. It's finding a way to persuade the others.

If SIL gives up her job will it leave her stranded without a source of income if MIL then goes into a care home? If it won't leave her stranded I guess it is worth a try as it's better than it is now, but then a whole load more difficulties might present themselves.

Grannie G has listed a few points that are very pertinent to this situation, which if possible need to be aired between the 4 siblings.

 

[anxious annie]

It's hard to keep the peace @Sarasa with your family, whilst you are still wanting to get your lovely MIL what she needs, rather than what she wants.
I hope things continue to move in the right direction, albeit slowly.

 

[Sarasa]

Thank you all for your input. I totally agree with the points @grannieG made. She spends far too much time on her own, and can't sort herself out when she has accidents.
Sister is trying to sort out deputyship. I've said not to bother with welfare as it is rarely granted, well at least that's what I've read on here, does anyone have any experience of getting it?
I think the latest thoughts at least from elder sister is to get live in care in. Husband and I don't think it will work, but I think we have to try otherwise the other siblings will be unhappy.
I won't say more at present as husband is recommending SiL comes to this site to have a look round and I don't want her to think I've been talking out of turn.

 

[canary]

I've said not to bother with welfare as it is rarely granted, well at least that's what I've read on here, does anyone have any experience of getting it?

Not really the same, but when I applied for deputyship it was on the advice of the hospital SW who said mum had lost capacity (and was also willing to fill in the form saying that she had lost capacity). It was she who encouraged me to do it DIY and also said not to bother with applying for H&W

 

[Sarasa]

Just thought I'd update this. Things are still inching forward, but the whole thing is causing falling outs among the siblings, with my husband acting the part of mediator. The deputyship application is in hand and on Friday there was an assessment by a doctor of my Mil's mental capacity via the internet. Techy niece was there to faciliitate. The call only lasted five minutes and sister in law doing the deputyship stuff is worried that the report won't be enough to confirm lack of capacity. I would have thought five minutes was enough to see that MiL has very little understanding of anything anymore. Incontinence and confusion have increased, but BiL is holding out from trying to organised carers as he knows how much his mother will be upset by strangers in the house and the family feel that without proof she has lost capacity if she sends carers packing she is within her rights to do so.
I really think a care home would be the best option, but at the moment it isn't really feasible. It would break all their hearts if they couldn't see her regularly.

 

[canary]

I think you can only do things bit by bit and take steps towards what you know the final outcome is likely to be, rather than leaping out.

Although Im sure you would rather not hear that your MIL has lost capacity, it would make everything easier to organise. When will you get the result?
xx

 

[anxious annie]

It must be very difficult @Sarasa , trying to do what different siblings feel is right, whilst still taking into account what is best for your MIL. Difficult times at care homes for visiting right now, but this surely must improve in the not too distant future.

 

[Sarasa]

My husband and his siblings managed to have a civilised zoom meeting where they thrashed out an action plan to help their mother. My brother in law's main objection was the company they used for care previously in the past. A new company has been signed up and will be starting with one visit a day to my mother in law shortly. She is very unhappy about this, but it is essential that it happens as her needs are now too great for the family, specially as younger sister is now off work sick having totally burned out. The idea is that these will ramp up to three or four visits a day very quickly.
The GP who did the assessment agrees that my mother in law has lost capacity, so hopefully the deputyship will be getting sorted over the next month or two as well.
My husband is going over tomorrow for a few days to do some much needed DIY and then probably the week after to help his mother get used to carers.

 

[annielou]

Glad to read all siblings have come to an agreement. Hard when so many different thoughts on what best so it's great they have agreed a plan. I hope the care visits work well and also hope younger sister feels better soon now things in place to help caring ?

 

[Sarasa]

Oh dear, things seem to be coming to a head. Care company they had a meeting with last week have pulled out as they have had an increase in need from existing customers and haven't the capacity to take MiL on. My husband is up there at the moment, and I've just had a long chat with him. He feels very guilty about coming home today as his mum can no longer really be left alone, and that the proposed idea of getting a company in to do one visit a day moving up to four wouldn't be enough. That's assuming a company is found that brother who does the day to day care agrees to. He doesn't want the one that they used before, and I think that might be the only other one available in the area. When we were there in the summer it felt fine to leave her for an hour or so,. Yesterday my husband felt he couldn't leave her at all, not even for twenty minutes to pop to the local shop. Apparently she no longer knows where the loo is, and needs to be guided to sit down or to eat.
The nuclear option is I guess for him to phone emergency social services or 111 (it sounds like she might have a mild chest infection), and hope that she is placed in emergency care or taken to hospital. Doing that will lead to a breach with his brother, who really appears not to see how great his mother's needs now are, and hasn't done for about the last eighteen months.
As he's hired a car I don't think my husband has any option but to come home today, and he certainly doesn't want to be sucked into being her carer long-term

 

[Grannie G]

Your brother in law could be asked to take over if he`s not happy with your husband`s care @Sarasa

Nothing annoys me more than opinionated absentees.

 

[Sarasa]

No the problem is the reverse. Brother in law is the main carer and has been amazing looking after his mum, but can't see she needs far more help than one person popping in a couple of times a day now.

 

[Woo2]

Sounds very difficult @Sarasa , no easy answers at all . Sorry for you all .

 

[annielou]

It does sound like things have progressed a fair bit for your poor MIL bet hubby feels torn today, but as car is hired doesn't have much option but to return home. Hopefully GP or 111 can help with the chest infection ? could her increased needs be due to infection or do you think it's disease progressing?
Such a shame about the care company, hope BIL can realise his mum increased needs soon so she can get extra care she needs, he obviously cares a lot for her but seems to be struggling to accept her real needs which makes things difficult for you all. ??

 

[Sarasa]

Thanks @Woo2 and @annielou. The whole thing is so sad, but as so often with dementia things are sort of OK until they're not, and the dividing line is wafer thin. Husband is coming home today, so we'll chat through what he can maybe do next when he's here.

 

[Woo2]

It seems unless Mil is taken in via hospital your bil will not accept that she needs more than he and everyone can give . ?

 

[Sarasa]

Rather a surprising update. My brother in law has decided that his mother should move into care. It seems to be my husband pointing out she seems to no longer know where things are in the house that has made him see she needs more care than the family or carers can provide.
There are various obstacles to this. There is no POA, though they are in the process of applying for deputyship, it's nearly Christmas and there is the whole Covid situation.
I think calling in social services as an emergency might get things moving, even though MiL has enough assets to pay for her own care.
Any ideas as to how to get this underway. I'm looking at https://www.carehome.co.uk/ at the moment to see if I can find places that might be worth considering.

 

[Woo2]

I’m glad he has seen it’s what’s best for your lovely Mil , hope you can get somewhere sorted soon. Have the other siblings any personal experience of any of the homes near her ? I wouldn’t know how to go about an emergency placement , can you all get heads together and see what you can come up with ? Good luck .

 

[canary]

Im sorry about this situation and the timing is indeed quite bad, but it sounds like things are coming to a head.
Would your MIL agree to respite in a care home? If so, you wouldnt need POA and you could just arrange it. Unfortunately, I know that not many people will agree to this.

 

[Sarasa]

Well things went from bad to worse and back again. At one point it looked like there was going to be a major rift between several of the siblings. They've now agreed to a care company coming in three times a day starting next week. Husband is up there again to meet up with different siblings and help push things forward. I really don't think it's enough, but it's better than the family totally breaking down.