Accidental Invisibles

[canary]

I can only say that at least you will have tried. SS like to try carers in 3 times a day before considering a care home too. If this doesnt work it may show the rest of the family that a care home is necessary and may also overcome problems if she still refuses to go.

Checking out care homes sounds like a good plan.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I wonder if BIL could be persuaded to get a few weeks respite care for MIL while the family discuss the situation further to find a solution? (I think like you that the solution is actually a care home, but the siblings disagree...) That would maybe allow time to find a different/better agency if they decide to try care at home again.

Do you have any input or do you try to keep out of the disputes and leave them to it? (Apart from supporting your OH of course!) I think the one thing to keep stressing is that poor MIL will only deteriorate from where she is now and that her needs will only increase, so further care at home is only delaying the inevitable...

 

[annielou]

Such a shame there's been more back and forth and mind changing between the family. I hope it works and if not then hope that its not too long before everyone agrees care home best thing for you MIL. It's such a hard thing to decide and everyone agree on. good luck with it all

 

[Sarasa]

The care agency started last week and husband was up there again to help out with his mother and be there for the first visit. The family seem to have struck lucky with a small local agency, who'll be mainly sending in the same two carers. The one my husband has met is lovely and he thinks his mum will really take to her when she'd got over her annoyance at strange people being in her house. I've trained my husband well. His mother got cross about not having agreed to carers, having forgotten she was there when they came round to assess her and she'd been persuaded it was necessary. Rather than arguing that she'd forgotten he just apologised for not having told her and changed the subject.
I still think a care home would be preferable, and I think t won't be long before it is inevitable. She's alone at night in a house she no longer recognises which sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me. Still at least at the moment all the siblings are happy enough with what's been put in place.

 

[annielou]

Glad to hear care agency are looking good. Mums care agency sent two same ones to mum which i think worked well. Especially one who came most of time as her and mum got on well. She was lovely and the type of person mum would have been friends with if met pre dementia. Though in the end even she struggled to convince mum to do things or stay home. Well done to you and hubby on how handled his mums upset over them coming.

 

[anxious annie]

Good to hear that things sound promising with the carers @Sarasa , although it does seem that this will be only a temporary fix and a care home is what she really needs. Hoping that all of the family will realise this before there is a crisis.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@Sarasa I’ve only just noticed this thread and read the whole thing. Your MIL sounds very much like my pwd, in personality and stage of dementia, and the family dynamic quite similar also. I’m coming to a crossroads where a difficult decision will have to be made. I’ll be very interested to see how this carer situation works out. Thanks for sharing, it’s made things a bit clearer for me.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @DreamsAreReal, it is so tricky when you get to the stage where what the PWD wants is so in opposition to what they need. Through in siblings with different ideas and it can get very tricky indeed. I'm in awe of my husband's family managing to work together even though their own personal opinions are so different.