1. JoolsinSuffolk

    JoolsinSuffolk Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    Any advice gratefully received.
    Mum has vascular dementia and has daily carers but is increasingly unaccepting of their care. At the moment this is limited to preparing food for her and checking her meds but she is increasing refusing the food they prepare, and increasingly demanding that I and my sister do everything. She can be very rude and unpleasent to them and she also becomes more lonely and unhappy. One of us sees her every day, but she is unable to distract herself with TV Radio or reading and will only respond positively to family care. Is there anything we can do to get her to accept the care of others?
  2. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Would she accept 'the doctor says you MUST have carers, because we just can't be here all the time.' ? Some people will accept 'the doctor says' (whether s/he has or not!) when they won't accept it from anyone else. However the negative here is that whatever someone might accept at the time, they are likely to forget when it comes to the point, i.e. when carers are actually there. It is very difficult.

    Other than that, sometimes you may just have to get a bit firm/tough, and ignore the reaction, though I know all too well that this is easier said than done. People with dementia can become a bit like demanding toddlers, quite unable to recognise anyone's needs or wishes but their own and throwing wobblies if they can't get what they want precisely when they want it.
  3. JoolsinSuffolk

    JoolsinSuffolk Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    I will try 'the doctor said' although as you say they do forget when the carers arrive. I wonder of it would help if the carers didn't change so often so that some kind of relaionship could build up.
  4. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    Hello Jools

    Many different careworkers popping in is obviously not ideal, although probably unavoidable. OH has vascular dementia and I know he does cope best with routine.

    As regards food - would it make any difference if the careworkers tell her that this lovely food has been prepared and brought in by you or your sister so I am just heating it up for you.

    Your mum is blessed to have you and your sister popping in so frequently. xx
  5. LizzyA

    LizzyA Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Near Reading

    This sounds familiar. I am not sure what the solution is as with vascular dementia your mum may agree/accept care one day and then have forgotten the next. My mum also has vascular dementia and whilst she generally isn't rude to her carers, she refuses to let them do what they're there for - won't let them put the washing on, help with cleaning, change her clothes etc. She's happy that i do things for her though.

    They get a bit frustrated at not being able to do their job!! They are familiar with the situation but say that most people are more accepting over time which obviously isn't your experience or mine. Each time I speak to mum she agrees to let them help, but forgets each time. She is currently in hospital and has forgotten that she ever had carers, but will need them 4 x a day when she comes out so that will be challenging.

    Sorry not to be able to help further, hopefully someone else will have good advice that will help both of us.
  6. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Do the carers wear uniforms?
    Often a uniform is accepted, as an authority figure, where as non uniform is seen as a interfering busy-body.

    When you find the answer please let us know what worked, it may help others.

  7. CHEZA27

    CHEZA27 Registered User

    Jan 8, 2015
    Mum has it to

    My mum has vascular dementia and she can be very accepting one day and aggressive and horrible the next day. She rarely let's her carers do much but will always let me help her with washing, dressing etc... It's just unfortunate that I can't be there all the time to help. The carers have told me that it gets easier and they start to accept more help.

    I've sometimes used techniques such as 'dad' made you this meal isn't it yummy, I will eat some and then mum would carry on and eat the rest purely because she believed dad made it. Mum copies me a lot to, for instance when she's having a shower we both use a sponge (mine is dry, I often wear clothes that I don't mind getting a bit wet, she copies where I wash and dry.

    It may be helpful with your mum if you try and involve her. For example if she wants to put the washing on try and do it together ; she puts some things in the machine and then you do it to. It's a child like way of thinking but I often think you get should step into their world and not the other way around.

    Hope that helps
    Good luck

    Chez x
  8. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hi there :)

    My mum has vascular dementia and has been refusing care in much the way you describe, for over a year now :( However, when I look back to April 2014, things were in fact much worse. We had stand up rows then, but not now.

    I guess it's been a combination of factors. In the beginning, I was able to explain that as her daughter I would not allow her to suffer / be neglected - and point out that she'd done the same for her mum. She accepted some visits on the basis that 'Lindy worries' or I once heard her say to my daughter, 'I don't need help you know, but it keeps your mum happy ;)'. She's sadly beyond that sort of reasoning now, and I rely heavily on 'the doctor says.....' I have also started saying 'Okay mum, this is what's happening' ie offering her much less choice in the matter. I don't like doing this, but when it comes to a choice between your mum sitting in soiled clothes and not eating, or insisting she has help, there's only one way to go

    It's been a long old process though, with me holding my breath at every turn, but worth it in the end. I do hope your mum eventually accepts the help she needs :)

    All the best

    Lindy xx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  9. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Just to add: Once I had found a care agency and set visits up, I made a conscious effort to keep out of the way at visit times and where possible, for the whole day. I suppose I was aiming to encourage mum to interact with the company she had. If I was around at even approximately the same time as a care visit, there would be no way she'd accept it.

    Doesn't always work .... She had a fall this week so I've practically had to move in with her....but on the whole I let the carers do their job.

    Hope this helps.

    Lindy xx
  10. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Do agree with the comment about the uniforms. Rural areas can be heaven or hell ie. consistent local folk, or ever changing 'contracts' I know we really got fed up of this.
    Given a choice, Mum strongly preferred older carers.
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Older carers

    Yes when my father had carers coming in, it was the older ones, he related best to.
    One was a real rough diamond, she was wonderful! He'd do anything for her, and she was less than 25years younger than him.
    Young ones (less than 45) he didn't want to know.


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