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Acceptance

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
100
New Zealand
Hello all, I have finally come to realise that I must accept the status quo. MH is going into permanent care today. I have railed against it for a long time, was worrying myself sick over how he would respond, whether he would eat or drink if I wasn't there. He probably won't, not at first anyway. His dementia has worsened again due to the latest cellulitis infection, but he has been eating and drinking a little in hospital. His infection has cleared. Now for the hard part, putting him into care, but I now understand that I must accept whatever happens from here on in. He may go downhill, lapse into a coma or anything if he won't eat or drink sufficiently, but worrying and fretting (read bawling my eyes out) is not going to change anything, so acceptance is all I have left.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,285
Southampton
Hello all, I have finally come to realise that I must accept the status quo. MH is going into permanent care today. I have railed against it for a long time, was worrying myself sick over how he would respond, whether he would eat or drink if I wasn't there. He probably won't, not at first anyway. His dementia has worsened again due to the latest cellulitis infection, but he has been eating and drinking a little in hospital. His infection has cleared. Now for the hard part, putting him into care, but I now understand that I must accept whatever happens from here on in. He may go downhill, lapse into a coma or anything if he won't eat or drink sufficiently, but worrying and fretting (read bawling my eyes out) is not going to change anything, so acceptance is all I have left.
thinking of you
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,046
Thinking of you @Pusskins. It's beyond tough but moving to a care home is going to be the best thing for your husband. Obviously in an ideal world you would want him home with you, but no matter what you did you wouldn't be able to prevent the horrible onward march of the dementia. When he is settled in to the home you'll be able to visit and become his wife again.
I assume in New Zealand you don't have the covid measures that we have here in the UK?
Stay strong and don't forget to look after yourself
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
760
I hope he settles well.
He may do a lot better in a care setting than the hospital ?
Such a difficult time for you.
 

Joyt

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
62
My experience of care home staff is that they are hugely experienced in managing this stage of the disease. When my OH went into care he became part of their family and was treated as such. For a long time he was settled and in his own way ‘happy’ there. I became part of the team as well and they nurtured me too.
 

Jim and Val

New member
Apr 1, 2020
3
Purely
My experience of care home staff is that they are hugely experienced in managing this stage of the disease. When my OH went into care he became part of their family and was treated as such. For a long time he was settled and in his own way ‘happy’ there. I became part of the team as well and they nurtured me too.

That sounds wonderful to me and everything I would wish for, if my wife eventually has to go into a nursing home.
I'm so pleased that you have found such a place where you OH can be happy and cared for. In my imagination cares homes are places to avoid. But you have helped dispel this a bit for me.

My wife is suffering from altzimers and things have got worse lately. We have always had a very loving relationship but recently she will sometimes not know me and act as if I am treating her badly.
She often experiences sun downing and says we need to go home. It's hard to know what to do when she suddenly decides to go out on her own and all I can do is follow and try to convince her to come back where she is safe. After these bad episodes shes as loving as ever but its stressful at the time.
 

Joyt

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
62
That sounds wonderful to me and everything I would wish for, if my wife eventually has to go into a nursing home.
I'm so pleased that you have found such a place where you OH can be happy and cared for. In my imagination cares homes are places to avoid. But you have helped dispel this a bit for me.

My wife is suffering from altzimers and things have got worse lately. We have always had a very loving relationship but recently she will sometimes not know me and act as if I am treating her badly.
She often experiences sun downing and says we need to go home. It's hard to know what to do when she suddenly decides to go out on her own and all I can do is follow and try to convince her to come back where she is safe. After these bad episodes shes as loving as ever but its stressful at the time.
I can only reiterate what I said above, but I want to add that this home was at the ‘budget’ end of the market, and we were funded through the local authority. The decor was tired and shabby but the care was exceptional.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,964
South coast
I can only reiterate what I said above, but I want to add that this home was at the ‘budget’ end of the market, and we were funded through the local authority. The decor was tired and shabby but the care was exceptional.
Can I add that this was my experience too, @Jim and Val .
Mum was self-funded, but it was nevertheless at the bottom end of the scale where it came to price, but the care was wonderful and mum thrived there. The staff, residents and their families became a sort of extended family. Mums care home also looked shabby and old-fashioned. Sometimes you have to look past this.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
100
New Zealand
@Weasell It's hard to say, Weasell. He's been there just over a week now, but they won't let me see him as I have a virus. Quite stupid really, as I caught it from my husband in the first place, so he is in there with it, but I'm not allowed in. What really made me mad was that I have spoken to various staff members on the phone during this past week from caregivers to a registered nurse. I told them all I was driving down (an hour and a half) to see him yesterday, that I had a virus but would be wearing a mask, possibly two. Not one of them told me I wouldn't be allowed in, so when I got there and was firmly told I couldn't enter, you can imagine how upset I was. While I can understand their policy, why didn't somebody tell me? I was open and honest, not trying to hide anything. I am considering writing to the manager and making a complaint. The cost of the fuel to get there is horrendous, especially now that my income has been halved.

Anyway, from enquiries I've made with various staff members, MH is still refusing to co-operate, refusing all medication and eating very little, although I think he is drinking a bit. I have spoken to him on the phone a few times and he seemed ok, except yesterday when I rang him after I'd got home, he sounded more confused. I took laminated photos to hang on his wall from our times together plus family pets in the hope it would help his memory. He knows he is talking to his wife when I'm on the phone and understands what I say. It's his responses that don't make sense. Sadly, he can't remember our son. :(
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,046
@Pusskins , I think it would be worth contacting the manager to say how disappointed you were to not see your husband after you'd clearly explained the circumstances. It's best they know how you feel. It sounds as though your husband is still pretty much as he was at home, but at least he now has a whole team looking after him. What a shame there isn't a home nearer that was suitable.
In all this don't forget to look after yourself too.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
422
@Weasell It's hard to say, Weasell. He's been there just over a week now, but they won't let me see him as I have a virus. Quite stupid really, as I caught it from my husband in the first place, so he is in there with it, but I'm not allowed in. What really made me mad was that I have spoken to various staff members on the phone during this past week from caregivers to a registered nurse. I told them all I was driving down (an hour and a half) to see him yesterday, that I had a virus but would be wearing a mask, possibly two. Not one of them told me I wouldn't be allowed in, so when I got there and was firmly told I couldn't enter, you can imagine how upset I was. While I can understand their policy, why didn't somebody tell me? I was open and honest, not trying to hide anything. I am considering writing to the manager and making a complaint. The cost of the fuel to get there is horrendous, especially now that my income has been halved.
I suspect that the care home staff assumed that everyone knew that people with viruses, whether covid or something else, were not allowed in care homes at all. Perhaps careless of them to assume you realised that but an understandable error. They have to protect all the other residents as well. I would certainly be alarmed if the care home where my mother resides were to knowingly allow entry to someone with a virus. Perhaps write this off to experience?
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
760
You have such sympathy, an hour and a half drive to see him sounds dreadful, and paying for all that petrol is going to be another burden.
He may remember your son next time?
I am sorry to hear about the problem with visiting. It is so different here in the U.K., have you been following the ‘ care home visiting ‘ threads. They won’t let you in if you are healthy, let alone with a virus.
It must be very frustrating to be at home and not really feel you quite know what is going on?
I hope things go well in the next few weeks.
 

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