Acccusations of lying

Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
Hello

I am new to this forum. I would like some help and advice please. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just over a year ago.. He has just accused me of lying to him about what day of the week it is. I really don't know how to respond - why would I lie? He seems to answer everything I say with - 'I don't know', but I've just told him it's Saturday, that's all. This seems to be the end of any conversation I could possibly have with him - if he doesn't believe what I say, how can we have a conversation? How can I tell him any bits of news, which is what I have done so far, if he says I could be lying? Help please from someone with greater experience and wisdom than I seem to have. Thank you.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
The thread that Cat has just posted is really useful. I was really useless at this kind of conversation to start with so I stuck it on my fridge and the children and I learned (me more slowly than anyone else) that is really really works.

The conversation loops that you mention are extremely frustrating but also very typical. Initially I think some of it stems from fear - they half realise that they are losing their grip and just don't know what to believe and then go through stages of being very suspicious of everything (understandable really - I think I would do the same if I was so unsure of everything around me) and some of it is about retaining control which is fast slipping away.

Compassionate communication brings it all together - don't argue because it won't get you anywhere - dementia always wins (someone on TP said dementia trumps logic and it is so true) and try to distract if the person tries to trap you into an arguement or a situation that is difficult to handle. I had a few stock phrases like 'oh the cat was sick this morning' - that almost always turned into a discussion about the cat's health, or 'i can't seem to get x clean' which led to a discussion about cleaning or just a favourite subject, about something that they feel safe and in control of discussing whether it is cars or trainspotting or architecture or London - anything really but always worth having a list of 5 or 6 distracting sentences ready for the off


Good luck
thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
538
0
Shropshire
Hello

I am new to this forum. I would like some help and advice please. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just over a year ago.. He has just accused me of lying to him about what day of the week it is. I really don't know how to respond - why would I lie? He seems to answer everything I say with - 'I don't know', but I've just told him it's Saturday, that's all. This seems to be the end of any conversation I could possibly have with him - if he doesn't believe what I say, how can we have a conversation? How can I tell him any bits of news, which is what I have done so far, if he says I could be lying? Help please from someone with greater experience and wisdom than I seem to have. Thank you.
This is so familiar to me and I'm sure to many others.When this phase started I took the " fact " that I lied to him to heart. And when he answerd " I don't know " when I gave him a fact or just in conversation I would say " well I know and I've just told you" In my experience where I am now I don't have conversations with him ,I just listen and agree or make confirming noises. I don't tell him any news , or discuss the new kitchen I have ordered or the other alterations I have booked a builder for. Why , because he doesn't understand what I am saying, and goes off on his own tangent so I am doing it for self preservation. A friend told me for months before I made this decision not to try and discuss things as it only stresses him, but I felt the need as I felt he needed to know, but clearly not. Others may disagree but this is how I am trying to deal with it.
 

Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
I'm not alone any more.

This is so familiar to me and I'm sure to many others.When this phase started I took the " fact " that I lied to him to heart. And when he answerd " I don't know " when I gave him a fact or just in conversation I would say " well I know and I've just told you" In my experience where I am now I don't have conversations with him ,I just listen and agree or make confirming noises. I don't tell him any news , or discuss the new kitchen I have ordered or the other alterations I have booked a builder for. Why , because he doesn't understand what I am saying, and goes off on his own tangent so I am doing it for self preservation. A friend told me for months before I made this decision not to try and discuss things as it only stresses him, but I felt the need as I felt he needed to know, but clearly not. Others may disagree but this is how I am trying to deal with it.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't feel so alone now.
 

Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
Welcome to TP :)

This thread on compassionate communication may help
Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired[/url]

Gosh - I've a long way to go. I will try, but it seems I have to change my whole personality to deal with this awful condition. I have spent 70 years developing into who I am, how long will it take for me to become someone else? I'm struggling. Thank you for the link. I've read it and will try to do better than I seem to be capable of at the moment.

Thanks for being there.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Gosh - I've a long way to go. I will try, but it seems I have to change my whole personality to deal with this awful condition. I have spent 70 years developing into who I am, how long will it take for me to become someone else? I'm struggling. Thank you for the link. I've read it and will try to do better than I seem to be capable of at the moment.

Thanks for being there.

It's just a guideline. I struggle every singe day to do the right thing.
Do the best you can & don't beat yourself up. We're human. Please keep posting as you'll get lots of support here.
 

Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
The thread that Cat has just posted is really useful. I was really useless at this kind of conversation to start with so I stuck it on my fridge and the children and I learned (me more slowly than anyone else) that is really really works.

The conversation loops that you mention are extremely frustrating but also very typical. Initially I think some of it stems from fear - they half realise that they are losing their grip and just don't know what to believe and then go through stages of being very suspicious of everything (understandable really - I think I would do the same if I was so unsure of everything around me) and some of it is about retaining control which is fast slipping away.

Compassionate communication brings it all together - don't argue because it won't get you anywhere - dementia always wins (someone on TP said dementia trumps logic and it is so true) and try to distract if the person tries to trap you into an arguement or a situation that is difficult to handle. I had a few stock phrases like 'oh the cat was sick this morning' - that almost always turned into a discussion about the cat's health, or 'i can't seem to get x clean' which led to a discussion about cleaning or just a favourite subject, about something that they feel safe and in control of discussing whether it is cars or trainspotting or architecture or London - anything really but always worth having a list of 5 or 6 distracting sentences ready for the off


Good luck
thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Guess I just need to bite my tongue far more often - it's hard but I think I can get better as long as I remember that 'dementia always wins'. Three words that seem to sum up the situation better than most. Thank you.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
Gosh - I've a long way to go. I will try, but it seems I have to change my whole personality to deal with this awful condition. I have spent 70 years developing into who I am, how long will it take for me to become someone else? I'm struggling. Thank you for the link. I've read it and will try to do better than I seem to be capable of at the moment.

Thanks for being there.

Oh yes!! you have hit the nail on the head but as Cat says it's only guidelines - I found it very helpful though and hope that you will too - but that doesn't involve beating yourself up because you don't achieve perfection - I was nowhere close :)
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
0
Pontypool
Welcome to TP Creeping Snail. This is so familiar to me too, everything used to be answered with I 'I don't know', and it took me ages to understand that of course he didn't know, he couldn't remember or just couldn't work it out. Such a difficult lesson to learn I really feel for you. x


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Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
Welcome to TP Creeping Snail. This is so familiar to me too, everything used to be answered with I 'I don't know', and it took me ages to understand that of course he didn't know, he couldn't remember or just couldn't work it out. Such a difficult lesson to learn I really feel for you. x


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If I had £1 for every time he's said 'I don't know' - no no, not money - I'f I'd had a good night's sleep for every time he's said 'I don't know' I wouldn't have the bags under my eyes that I've got now!!

I so wish I had found this forum years ago. The condition seems to manifest itself long before an 'official' diagnosis, and I had such a job to get hubby to even consider something was wrong, even though I knew he wasn't who he used to be.

You lovely people will be my lifeline - sorry - don't mean to burden you in any way, but it just helps to hear what others have to say. There's no way I wanted to ruin my son's Christmas with a desperate phone call so, luckily, I found you.

I feel so much better than I did 3 hours ago, maybe I'll just go and make some more mince pies, or read my book, or play candy crush. I'ts awful what you can't do when your stomach's all in knots.

My grateful thanks to all who have responded, you really have made a difference. I'm sure I'll be back- and who knows, maybe someday i'll be able to repay the kindness by helping someone else. I really will keep trying, now I know I'm not alone.

May I wish you all a happy, and peaceful, new year.
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Here's a trick that helps me when faced with an accusation - in my case, my FIL often accuses me of stealing his money. I imagine the hurtful comment whistling past me, as if it could never hurt me. Sometimes, I put on an imaginary tin hat and flak jacket. It gives a measure of protection against the hurtful comments and insults. Knowing that it's the dementia talking, not the person, helps a bit.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
The thing is, it lies in our nature to want to prove that we weren't lying. "Look, here's today's newspaper, see? It says it's Saturday!" But the person with dementia does not respond to logic so you have to learn to let it go and just casually say: "Oh, did I get it wrong again? Sorry, my fault. Of course it's Friday." It saves so much stress. It's not you changing your personality, it's you responding to different circumstances and making a step into dementia world.
 
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pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Hello creeping snail, welcome to TP, l find it best to just agree with everything my husband says, after a while you get used to it, it saves alot of less stress for you, as you will never win by disagreeing. I am 70 it is diffi ult to change our ways, but life is not the same as it used to be now that Mr. Alzheimers is in our life. Thinking of you.
 

MrsTerryN

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
769
0
The accusations are hard. Like others have said i just agree or try to divert. I wish you all the best
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
Guess I just need to bite my tongue far more often - it's hard but I think I can get better as long as I remember that 'dementia always wins'. Three words that seem to sum up the situation better than most. Thank you.

Hi. I know exactly what you're saying. I find the issues around conversation some of the hardest to deal with at the stage we are at. I have had to train myself not to make casual remarks when we are watching television together in the evenings. Mick is not going to understand and my casual remarks are not worth what would be needed to explain them. If I give up, he is annoyed and says he's not worth talking to.
As you say it's really hard for us to change our ways or personalities and also the habits we have established over years with our loved ones.
My thoughts are with you x


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optocarol

Registered User
Nov 23, 2011
315
0
Auckland, New Zealand
We hardly talk either, so I'm glad it's the same for others. I'm past trying to explain something 10 times when I know he still won't get it. Sometimes it helps to write it down, but that's getting less useful too. He gets annoyed, but it's because I'm apparently too thick to know what he means, when I should at all times! Other times I'm avoiding talking because I don't want to go where I'm pretty sure this will go.

Probably doesn't help anyone here much, I'm afraid.
 

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
Hello Creeping snail

And everyone else who understands the real struggles of communicating with a loved one who is losing the art of rational conversation. I do so empathise with all that has been said as I too find it very very hard. The main accusations I get is that I know it all, am always so right and perfect and it is said by my husband with such venom at times. If I am out for a period of time, even though I am at Morrisons or in the hairdressers, despite leaving a note saying where I am and ringing him to reassure, I am accused of seeing another man. It really hurts. I am having to learn how to deal with all these traits and try to reassure my husband that he is still my man and the best and I love him very much but it is hard. I still try to keep him in the loop of conversation regarding plans and activities and try to ask his opinion but he usually says he will think about it later. Decision making is now really a thing of the past but I feel sad that our partnership is disappearing. The struggles of accepting that you have become the carer now I guess. Thank you for such helpful and understanding comments. I too will try to take them on board. Gwyneth
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
And everyone else who understands the real struggles of communicating with a loved one who is losing the art of rational conversation. I do so empathise with all that has been said as I too find it very very hard. The main accusations I get is that I know it all, am always so right and perfect and it is said by my husband with such venom at times. If I am out for a period of time, even though I am at Morrisons or in the hairdressers, despite leaving a note saying where I am and ringing him to reassure, I am accused of seeing another man. It really hurts. I am having to learn how to deal with all these traits and try to reassure my husband that he is still my man and the best and I love him very much but it is hard. I still try to keep him in the loop of conversation regarding plans and activities and try to ask his opinion but he usually says he will think about it later. Decision making is now really a thing of the past but I feel sad that our partnership is disappearing. The struggles of accepting that you have become the carer now I guess. Thank you for such helpful and understanding comments. I too will try to take them on board. Gwyneth

Oh Gwyneth you express it so clearly. Decision making is all mine now. I met Mick when I was 18 so he has been part of my entire adult life. The move from wife and partner to carer is hard to believe, understand or accept and I think you are feeling the same. In a funny way it does help to know others share the experiences this illness throws at us as it means others understand what is really hard to explain. Keep posting. It's good to be able to talk to you. Trisha


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