Acccusations of lying

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
Oh Gwyneth you express it so clearly. Decision making is all mine now. I met Mick when I was 18 so he has been part of my entire adult life. The move from wife and partner to carer is hard to believe, understand or accept and I think you are feeling the same. In a funny way it does help to know others share the experiences this illness throws at us as it means others understand what is really hard to explain. Keep posting. It's good to be able to talk to you. Trisha


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

I agree with you Trisha, that somehow it really does help to know you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I do feel for you having been together for such a long time. I have been married 30 years, we married aged 40 (me) and 45 and fortunately have had a very exciting and fulfilling life up to this wretched condition kicking in probably about 5 years ago if I am honest. Things have got worse but we still manage to keep going and hope the wolf keeps at bay for as long as possible. When we have a good spell I sort of kid myself it is really not so bad until we then have a real run of things spiralling downhill. The advice from the AS is really helpful and I keep reading the dos and don't s over and over again. I don't know about you but when I am tired and a bit under the weather it is theny patience wears thin and I snap which makes my husband flare up at me and storm off or ignore me for hours. So out of character as he was always the peacemaker! No 2 days are ever predictable!!! I wish you a very calm new year. Gwyneth
 

Jean1234

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
259
0
Oh so true

This is so familiar to me and I'm sure to many others.When this phase started I took the " fact " that I lied to him to heart. And when he answerd " I don't know " when I gave him a fact or just in conversation I would say " well I know and I've just told you" In my experience where I am now I don't have conversations with him ,I just listen and agree or make confirming noises. I don't tell him any news , or discuss the new kitchen I have ordered or the other alterations I have booked a builder for. Why , because he doesn't understand what I am saying, and goes off on his own tangent so I am doing it for self preservation. A friend told me for months before I made this decision not to try and discuss things as it only stresses him, but I felt the need as I felt he needed to know, but clearly not. Others may disagree but this is how I am trying to deal with it.

I have been trying to carry on keeping my Oh in the loop by telling him what is happening and why and what arrangements have been made and what we plan to do in a few days time and I have only just become aware that it really isn't a good idea to try and involve my OH in any decisions or even talk them over with him as it just confuses him or makes him cross because he can't understand what I am talking about. After having a relationship where every decision was discussed it has taken me a while to get out of the habit . For the sake of peace and harmony I must now try to just go it alone so I perfectly agree with you Mindy1.
 

Jean1234

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
259
0
The other man

And everyone else who understands the real struggles of communicating with a loved one who is losing the art of rational conversation. I do so empathise with all that has been said as I too find it very very hard. The main accusations I get is that I know it all, am always so right and perfect and it is said by my husband with such venom at times. If I am out for a period of time, even though I am at Morrisons or in the hairdressers, despite leaving a note saying where I am and ringing him to reassure, I am accused of seeing another man. It really hurts. I am having to learn how to deal with all these traits and try to reassure my husband that he is still my man and the best and I love him very much but it is hard. I still try to keep him in the loop of conversation regarding plans and activities and try to ask his opinion but he usually says he will think about it later. Decision making is now really a thing of the past but I feel sad that our partnership is disappearing. The struggles of accepting that you have become the carer now I guess. Thank you for such helpful and understanding comments. I too will try to take them on board. Gwyneth

Oh that rang a bell. I have been accused of having an affair because I went out to the supermarket without him. This forum is such a great place for finding out that what you are going through is "normal" in the care of someone with Alzheimer's .
 

optocarol

Registered User
Nov 23, 2011
315
0
Auckland, New Zealand
Yes, I agree, it's no good trying to discuss anything. I just tell him what we're doing 15 minutes (or less) before, allowing whatever time to get ready. Sometimes though it seems like just one more thing I have to do.
 
Last edited:

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Excellent advice, as usual, from others on TP. :) I was accused of hiding things, to try to convince John he was mad, inviting all and sundry into the house, having affairs left, right and centre, lying about everything ................ and then 5 minutes later he'd forget he'd said anything. :(

It is so hard being a carer, but I learned, through the years, that it made both our lives easier, if I apologised for things I hadn't done, agreed with things that I knew were incorrect and accepted that this was, in fact, a stranger I was dealing with and caring for, and not the lovely man I'd known for nearly 50 years.

But we can't suddenly turn into saints, and it takes time and trial and error. I wish you well. xxx
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
I have been trying to carry on keeping my Oh in the loop by telling him what is happening and why and what arrangements have been made and what we plan to do in a few days time and I have only just become aware that it really isn't a good idea to try and involve my OH in any decisions or even talk them over with him as it just confuses him or makes him cross because he can't understand what I am talking about. After having a relationship where every decision was discussed it has taken me a while to get out of the habit . For the sake of peace and harmony I must now try to just go it alone so I perfectly agree with you Mindy1.

I could have written that Jean, totally my experience


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
Oh Gwyneth you express it so clearly. Decision making is all mine now. I met Mick when I was 18 so he has been part of my entire adult life. The move from wife and partner to carer is hard to believe, understand or accept and I think you are feeling the same. In a funny way it does help to know others share the experiences this illness throws at us as it means others understand what is really hard to explain. Keep posting. It's good to be able to talk to you. Trisha


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

A very happy new year to us all and our resolutions must be to stay calm, patient, show humility, remain healthy, swallow our pride, need I go on.....!!!! What a bond there is on this site! Well, my husband and I have just had a really lovely week in Tenerife with son, daughter in law and 9 yr old grandson. Not living close to us, and knowing how awfully disjointed my husband felt in October when we did a long haul to his sister in Australia, they were nervous. So was I! But the short flight from Exeter, an all inclusive hotel, limited decisions to make and a newspaper every morning, he was good within his limits. Although I never lost sight of him particularly in the buffet dining room, and he blew up on the odd occasion in our room, in general we all had a relaxing time and had fun. My grandson played lots of games of pool with Grandpa, like old times! He was not too disorientated in finding the loo at night but he would have been lost finding his own way around the complex. I tucked a card from the hotel inside his pocket each day just in case. The family though were pleasantly surprised and relieved that he was as good as he was, but they picked up on his limited joining in of conversation, his slowness, almost holding back when we walk anywhere, and their concern that as my husband still drives, I think reasonably carefully, they noticed that I have become a very nervous passenger, always on red alert. True. We have a review on Friday at the Memory Clinic. I admit to being afraid but know we must face up to more cognitive tests if he shows deterioration in the memory test and face a different diagnosis. If his licence goes, so be it for everyone's sake. Hugs to everyone.Gwyneth
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
0
Pontypool
Hope the appointment at the memory clinic is helpful next week, Gwyneth. The driving thing is a whole other can of worms. I don't envy you that but in fairness to other drivers and yourselves you must seek advice as to whether your husband is still capable. Mine still thinks he has a car three years on and most days he talks about it. Hateful disease


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
A very happy new year to us all and our resolutions must be to stay calm, patient, show humility, remain healthy, swallow our pride, need I go on.....!!!! What a bond there is on this site! Well, my husband and I have just had a really lovely week in Tenerife with son, daughter in law and 9 yr old grandson. Not living close to us, and knowing how awfully disjointed my husband felt in October when we did a long haul to his sister in Australia, they were nervous. So was I! But the short flight from Exeter, an all inclusive hotel, limited decisions to make and a newspaper every morning, he was good within his limits. Although I never lost sight of him particularly in the buffet dining room, and he blew up on the odd occasion in our room, in general we all had a relaxing time and had fun. My grandson played lots of games of pool with Grandpa, like old times! He was not too disorientated in finding the loo at night but he would have been lost finding his own way around the complex. I tucked a card from the hotel inside his pocket each day just in case. The family though were pleasantly surprised and relieved that he was as good as he was, but they picked up on his limited joining in of conversation, his slowness, almost holding back when we walk anywhere, and their concern that as my husband still drives, I think reasonably carefully, they noticed that I have become a very nervous passenger, always on red alert. True. We have a review on Friday at the Memory Clinic. I admit to being afraid but know we must face up to more cognitive tests if he shows deterioration in the memory test and face a different diagnosis. If his licence goes, so be it for everyone's sake. Hugs to everyone.Gwyneth

We had a week in Lanzarote in December and like you, went for an all inclusive hotel. Mick managed pretty well but found the busy buffet quite difficult in the evening which is not his best time. Mick was told by his consultant in March that he had to have an assessment for driving as she felt the decision should not be hers or mine. Before an assessment could happen Mick's cataracts worsened and he didn't want to drive. By the time the cataracts were done (July) he decided not to take the assessment and to give up driving. He told the GP who said how sensible that was not to put himself through the stress of it. I had dreaded him losing his license as driving was very important to him. But the way it happened it wasn't traumatic. As always, thoughts and hugs are with you. Let us know how you get on on Friday.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
Oh Gwyneth you express it so clearly. Decision making is all mine now. I met Mick when I was 18 so he has been part of my entire adult life. The move from wife and partner to carer is hard to believe, understand or accept and I think you are feeling the same. In a funny way it does help to know others share the experiences this illness throws at us as it means others understand what is really hard to explain. Keep posting. It's good to be able to talk to you. Trisha


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

Thank you to everyone on this thread for all your shared thoughts, experiences, ways of coping. With regard to the driving licence, safety for all on the road must be paramount. My husband was on Police road traffic for many years so had excellent driving skills. He still has but it is the lack of judgment, spatial and lateral awareness and observation that is not very good anymore. Do others find this as well? As a senior police officer he would 'clock' issues that he had to desl with very quickly and spot situations from all angles. This has gone so he 'doesn't see' if you get my meaning. I am like 1Mindy in that I just sort out all home issues, re decoration etc although I get accused of not giving him any say in anything anymore!!! The eternal Catch 22 situation. I am becoming very devious and wily as a carer cos I always manage somehow to get my way!. Giggle giggle!!!
 

Creeping Snail

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
14
0
Leicestershire
And everyone else who understands the real struggles of communicating with a loved one who is losing the art of rational conversation. I do so empathise with all that has been said as I too find it very very hard. The main accusations I get is that I know it all, am always so right and perfect and it is said by my husband with such venom at times. If I am out for a period of time, even though I am at Morrisons or in the hairdressers, despite leaving a note saying where I am and ringing him to reassure, I am accused of seeing another man. It really hurts. I am having to learn how to deal with all these traits and try to reassure my husband that he is still my man and the best and I love him very much but it is hard. I still try to keep him in the loop of conversation regarding plans and activities and try to ask his opinion but he usually says he will think about it later. Decision making is now really a thing of the past but I feel sad that our partnership is disappearing. The struggles of accepting that you have become the carer now I guess. Thank you for such helpful and understanding comments. I too will try to take them on board. Gwyneth


Hi Gwyneth

I feel humbled by realising that my problems are so trivial in comparison with what others are coping with, but it is a double edged sword. I am just beginning to realise what I will have to cope with in the future. Hopefully by then I will have absorbed the good advice that is posted here and will be a little more prepared. What a valuable site this is.

My thanks to all who have responded and my thoughts are with you, particularly those who have much more to cope with than I.
 

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
This is so familiar to me and I'm sure to many others.When this phase started I took the " fact " that I lied to him to heart. And when he answerd " I don't know " when I gave him a fact or just in conversation I would say " well I know and I've just told you" In my experience where I am now I don't have conversations with him ,I just listen and agree or make confirming noises. I don't tell him any news , or discuss the new kitchen I have ordered or the other alterations I have booked a builder for. Why , because he doesn't understand what I am saying, and goes off on his own tangent so I am doing it for self preservation. A friend told me for months before I made this decision not to try and discuss things as it only stresses him, but I felt the need as I felt he needed to know, but clearly not. Others may disagree but this is how I am trying to deal with it.

You are so right here, 1Mindy. We have to re-programme our whole way of thinking but it is very difficult to go against the grain and I feel very guilty making decisions without involving my husband but he would be unable to remember what he may have agreed to. So I just muddle on mainly.
 

Gwyneth

Registered User
Nov 25, 2015
48
0
Hope the appointment at the memory clinic is helpful next week, Gwyneth. The driving thing is a whole other can of worms. I don't envy you that but in fairness to other drivers and yourselves you must seek advice as to whether your husband is still capable. Mine still thinks he has a car three years on and most days he talks about it. Hateful disease


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

Thanks. Will let you know how we get on. X
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,128
Messages
1,993,212
Members
89,789
Latest member
Anne Paterson