1. Creeping Snail

    Creeping Snail Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    14
    Leicestershire
    Hello

    I am new to this forum. I would like some help and advice please. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just over a year ago.. He has just accused me of lying to him about what day of the week it is. I really don't know how to respond - why would I lie? He seems to answer everything I say with - 'I don't know', but I've just told him it's Saturday, that's all. This seems to be the end of any conversation I could possibly have with him - if he doesn't believe what I say, how can we have a conversation? How can I tell him any bits of news, which is what I have done so far, if he says I could be lying? Help please from someone with greater experience and wisdom than I seem to have. Thank you.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    The thread that Cat has just posted is really useful. I was really useless at this kind of conversation to start with so I stuck it on my fridge and the children and I learned (me more slowly than anyone else) that is really really works.

    The conversation loops that you mention are extremely frustrating but also very typical. Initially I think some of it stems from fear - they half realise that they are losing their grip and just don't know what to believe and then go through stages of being very suspicious of everything (understandable really - I think I would do the same if I was so unsure of everything around me) and some of it is about retaining control which is fast slipping away.

    Compassionate communication brings it all together - don't argue because it won't get you anywhere - dementia always wins (someone on TP said dementia trumps logic and it is so true) and try to distract if the person tries to trap you into an arguement or a situation that is difficult to handle. I had a few stock phrases like 'oh the cat was sick this morning' - that almost always turned into a discussion about the cat's health, or 'i can't seem to get x clean' which led to a discussion about cleaning or just a favourite subject, about something that they feel safe and in control of discussing whether it is cars or trainspotting or architecture or London - anything really but always worth having a list of 5 or 6 distracting sentences ready for the off


    Good luck
    thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  4. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    This is so familiar to me and I'm sure to many others.When this phase started I took the " fact " that I lied to him to heart. And when he answerd " I don't know " when I gave him a fact or just in conversation I would say " well I know and I've just told you" In my experience where I am now I don't have conversations with him ,I just listen and agree or make confirming noises. I don't tell him any news , or discuss the new kitchen I have ordered or the other alterations I have booked a builder for. Why , because he doesn't understand what I am saying, and goes off on his own tangent so I am doing it for self preservation. A friend told me for months before I made this decision not to try and discuss things as it only stresses him, but I felt the need as I felt he needed to know, but clearly not. Others may disagree but this is how I am trying to deal with it.
     
  5. Creeping Snail

    Creeping Snail Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    14
    Leicestershire
    I'm not alone any more.

    Thank you so much for your reply. I don't feel so alone now.
     
  6. Creeping Snail

    Creeping Snail Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    14
    Leicestershire
    Gosh - I've a long way to go. I will try, but it seems I have to change my whole personality to deal with this awful condition. I have spent 70 years developing into who I am, how long will it take for me to become someone else? I'm struggling. Thank you for the link. I've read it and will try to do better than I seem to be capable of at the moment.

    Thanks for being there.
     
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    It's just a guideline. I struggle every singe day to do the right thing.
    Do the best you can & don't beat yourself up. We're human. Please keep posting as you'll get lots of support here.
     
  8. Creeping Snail

    Creeping Snail Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    14
    Leicestershire
    Guess I just need to bite my tongue far more often - it's hard but I think I can get better as long as I remember that 'dementia always wins'. Three words that seem to sum up the situation better than most. Thank you.
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Oh yes!! you have hit the nail on the head but as Cat says it's only guidelines - I found it very helpful though and hope that you will too - but that doesn't involve beating yourself up because you don't achieve perfection - I was nowhere close :)
     
  10. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Welcome to TP Creeping Snail. This is so familiar to me too, everything used to be answered with I 'I don't know', and it took me ages to understand that of course he didn't know, he couldn't remember or just couldn't work it out. Such a difficult lesson to learn I really feel for you. x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  11. Creeping Snail

    Creeping Snail Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    14
    Leicestershire
    If I had £1 for every time he's said 'I don't know' - no no, not money - I'f I'd had a good night's sleep for every time he's said 'I don't know' I wouldn't have the bags under my eyes that I've got now!!

    I so wish I had found this forum years ago. The condition seems to manifest itself long before an 'official' diagnosis, and I had such a job to get hubby to even consider something was wrong, even though I knew he wasn't who he used to be.

    You lovely people will be my lifeline - sorry - don't mean to burden you in any way, but it just helps to hear what others have to say. There's no way I wanted to ruin my son's Christmas with a desperate phone call so, luckily, I found you.

    I feel so much better than I did 3 hours ago, maybe I'll just go and make some more mince pies, or read my book, or play candy crush. I'ts awful what you can't do when your stomach's all in knots.

    My grateful thanks to all who have responded, you really have made a difference. I'm sure I'll be back- and who knows, maybe someday i'll be able to repay the kindness by helping someone else. I really will keep trying, now I know I'm not alone.

    May I wish you all a happy, and peaceful, new year.
     
  12. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Here's a trick that helps me when faced with an accusation - in my case, my FIL often accuses me of stealing his money. I imagine the hurtful comment whistling past me, as if it could never hurt me. Sometimes, I put on an imaginary tin hat and flak jacket. It gives a measure of protection against the hurtful comments and insults. Knowing that it's the dementia talking, not the person, helps a bit.
     
  13. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,481
    Female
    London
    #13 Beate, Dec 26, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2015
    The thing is, it lies in our nature to want to prove that we weren't lying. "Look, here's today's newspaper, see? It says it's Saturday!" But the person with dementia does not respond to logic so you have to learn to let it go and just casually say: "Oh, did I get it wrong again? Sorry, my fault. Of course it's Friday." It saves so much stress. It's not you changing your personality, it's you responding to different circumstances and making a step into dementia world.
     
  14. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    It sounds so obvious, but what helps me is reminding myself, "He looks the same, he sounds the same, but he's not the same."
     
  15. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello creeping snail, welcome to TP, l find it best to just agree with everything my husband says, after a while you get used to it, it saves alot of less stress for you, as you will never win by disagreeing. I am 70 it is diffi ult to change our ways, but life is not the same as it used to be now that Mr. Alzheimers is in our life. Thinking of you.
     
  16. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    773
    The accusations are hard. Like others have said i just agree or try to divert. I wish you all the best
     
  17. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,442
    Yorkshire
    Hi. I know exactly what you're saying. I find the issues around conversation some of the hardest to deal with at the stage we are at. I have had to train myself not to make casual remarks when we are watching television together in the evenings. Mick is not going to understand and my casual remarks are not worth what would be needed to explain them. If I give up, he is annoyed and says he's not worth talking to.
    As you say it's really hard for us to change our ways or personalities and also the habits we have established over years with our loved ones.
    My thoughts are with you x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  18. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    We hardly talk either, so I'm glad it's the same for others. I'm past trying to explain something 10 times when I know he still won't get it. Sometimes it helps to write it down, but that's getting less useful too. He gets annoyed, but it's because I'm apparently too thick to know what he means, when I should at all times! Other times I'm avoiding talking because I don't want to go where I'm pretty sure this will go.

    Probably doesn't help anyone here much, I'm afraid.
     
  19. Gwyneth

    Gwyneth Registered User

    Nov 25, 2015
    48
    Hello Creeping snail

    And everyone else who understands the real struggles of communicating with a loved one who is losing the art of rational conversation. I do so empathise with all that has been said as I too find it very very hard. The main accusations I get is that I know it all, am always so right and perfect and it is said by my husband with such venom at times. If I am out for a period of time, even though I am at Morrisons or in the hairdressers, despite leaving a note saying where I am and ringing him to reassure, I am accused of seeing another man. It really hurts. I am having to learn how to deal with all these traits and try to reassure my husband that he is still my man and the best and I love him very much but it is hard. I still try to keep him in the loop of conversation regarding plans and activities and try to ask his opinion but he usually says he will think about it later. Decision making is now really a thing of the past but I feel sad that our partnership is disappearing. The struggles of accepting that you have become the carer now I guess. Thank you for such helpful and understanding comments. I too will try to take them on board. Gwyneth
     
  20. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,442
    Yorkshire
    Oh Gwyneth you express it so clearly. Decision making is all mine now. I met Mick when I was 18 so he has been part of my entire adult life. The move from wife and partner to carer is hard to believe, understand or accept and I think you are feeling the same. In a funny way it does help to know others share the experiences this illness throws at us as it means others understand what is really hard to explain. Keep posting. It's good to be able to talk to you. Trisha


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.