Abuse from PWD

Betenoir71

Registered User
Jun 20, 2019
23
0
Hello everyone,
I should know this already, but I am struggling with the daily verbal, and sometimes physical abuse from mum, who I have cared for for some years, and don’t know how to make our life better. We have always been super close, for the first few years things were ok as she trusted me, now she is suspicious, angry and resentful at night especially. I do most things for her, and gladly. She believes she had no impairments, and takes my advice as criticism. I am missing her sharp wit, tastes and opinions that were almost identical to mine, and her warmth and love. Living with dementia is isolating enough, without losing the one person you would always go to for advice, support, a laugh and a hug. I find this harder than the lifting, clearing up the poo/wee. How can I cope better, so I don’t show my frustration and grief? Apologies for negative post, we have moved recently so no friends and family nearby.
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,689
0
It's difficult to deal with but as the abuse gets worse at night it could be due to sun downing. Has your Mum had a medication review recently? If not I'd suggest speaking to her GP or mental health team to see if there is some medication that may help. It may be that the move has also unsettled her but you shouldn't have to put up with physical abuse and if there is medication that might help you and your Mum it's worth a try.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire

Andrew_McP

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
390
0
60
South Northwest
The technique I settled on was simply to agree with absolutely everything my Mum said. No matter how insulting or nasty or puzzling, I'd agree and even offer additional insults about myself or whoever/whatever was annoying her. This was partly survival... worn down by the relentless emotional slog of it all it's so tempting to just give them a piece of your mind! (And that happened more often than I'd like to admit.) But by channelling my own emotion and frustration into helping her criticise myself or the people who hadn't come to 'take her home' or whatever, I could vent a bit myself and sometimes persuade her I was on her side. Somewhere along the line her confused anger might start to fade.

Often only temporarily, but it can work. Failing that I had a small supply of lorazepam from the doctor, and a half milligram sneaked into a piece of cake or a jelly baby left within reach could usually ease the storm until Mum was calm enough to relax and sleep. She could keep going all night sometimes without it... I've no idea where she got the stamina from. Felt like she was stealing it off me sometimes!

Of course you do the whole compassionate communication thing first, but dementia doesn't have a lot of compassion and, frequently, neither do carers worn down by hours, days, months, or years of stress. So we do what we need to survive. Including posting here.

Deep breath, count to ten,
Don't show, how tired I am,
Don't be weak, aspire to zen,
If that fails, lorazepam!

My angry Mum has faded now. Yours will too; so take some small comfort in that. The miserable thing about dementia though is that sometime I wish angry Mum would come back, which is the weirdest kind of Stockholm syndrome.

Good luck.
 

Betenoir71

Registered User
Jun 20, 2019
23
0
Many thanks to everyone who has replied, night times are hard and I usually feel very alone and emotional - I really appreciate all your comments and it helps with the inevitable feeling of isolation.
As for sundowning, my mums team feel it doesn’t exist (!) because they don’t have to live with it, a psychologist friend advises me to engage her in activities to distract her, it’s a shame though that this happens at the time I have just finished work and would like to relax
Love to all, thanks again, xx
 

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