Absolutely fed up!

[KatieRich]

Hi all. I have not posted for a while as things for us have settled now. Ha ha that's a laugh I knew it wouldn't last. As some of you know my dad went into care home in January and has settled well. Mum on the other hand , complete nightmare! In April she was bringing him home, nothing good enough, care home a **** **** etc etc. After social services decided she could not meet his needs 24/7 she calmed down again. This week she starts again! She used to moan non stop about him sitting in a wheelchair as his legs were swollen and he was hunched over. Been in a special chair for a few weeks that elevates his legs and encourages him to sit up. But then she moaned it was too near window, chair been moved away from window, now she thinks he's sitting in "that bloody chair" all day and not getting bed rest in afternoon. That's without all the other stuff she's moaning about! Had my brother on the phone last night , she had called him crying, he was talking about moving him to another CH or getting him home!! I just don't know what to do anymore, my husband has told me to take a step back as I have done everything in my power to get my dad in the best place possible. Stress levels at a all time high , my eldest sister has been really poorly and had three blood transfusions in two weeks and last Wednesday my middle sisters partner took his own life!! I can't understand why mum is piling on more stress at such a dreadful time. I am 100% there for both my sisters going through so much. Sorry for such a long post, I am taking mum to see dad today & shopping .....and I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick!!

 

[Oh Knickers]

Katie,

So hear what you are going through. I am so sorry to read of all the issues your sisters and their families - and you are going through. I am also sorry to hear about your mum's behaviour. She sounds, and I may be wrong, an angry little bunny,

You do not have to take her to see your dad today. It can just be a case of you do not feel up to it. It happens to us all. That is life. and it is normal.

It also sounds as though your mum could do with having more to do - if she would agree to it. Are there any clubs that your mum would agree to going to? Maybe a befriender from Age UK could take some of the the pressure off you.

The sad fact is, some people's behaviour is such that they push people away. You do not have to be at your mum's beck and call when she behaves in this manner.

Stepping back does not sound a bad idea. From experience, it is jolly tough. but, in the circumstances, understandable. There are times when we all need times to stand back, reflect, take stock and take care of ourselves. It sounds as though you are needing this now. Leave the answerphone on with a message that, when you are able, you will get back to however has called. And switch the mobile off with the same message. You could give a time when you will answer calls. Just warn your siblings you intend to do this. They can then make the choice to do the same.

It sounds as though your mum may be needing an assessment herself as this sounds quite obsessive behaviour. It may just be grief at losing your dad to care or at having her routine disrupted. Or simply loneliness.

For clubs and befrienders here are the links:

Alzheimer's Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Scroll down and put in your mum's postcode and the local details will appear.

Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Same again and put in your postcode.

Big {{{HUG}}}. You are in trying times. Just remember to breathe.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello KatieRich

It sounds to me as if your mother is full of guilt your dad is in a care home and needs to assert her authority to show she still has some control.

Have a word with the staff at the home and see if they can suggest a way to please your mother. It does sound as if they are doing everything possible i.e.. elevating your dad`s legs at your mother`s suggestion, [Actually that should have been done without your mother needing to suggest] .

I agree with your husband you might be best stepping back. As long as your mother has someone to complain to she will continue to complain. It`s the only way she can offload her guilt and fear. It`s the only way she can let everyone know how much she cares for your dad. It`s as if she can`t come to terms with residential care.

This is only my opinion of course. I don`t know you and your family but it`s what I feel as I read your post.

 

[Rosnpton]

It reads as if you are your mums current sounding board. As others said,she has little control over your dads care,and wants to be seen/heard to still be in charge. Also,she probably does miss having the day to day decisions regarding his routines.
If you can step back,do. If not when shopping buy stocks of your favourite sweets,choc and alcohol!!
Best wishes
Ros

 

[LadyA]

Adding to the chorus of those who say, if you can, step back. I was talking to someone just yesterday who told me that her ex husband (who left her for someone else) could be affecting her really badly by his behaviour, as he's harrassing her, but not in a way that she can really say "look! This is what he's doing!". But she says it's actually not affecting her at all, because she just keeps quietly repeating her mantra. "What's your mantra?" I asked "Not my problem." she said. And although your mum is dumping all her frustration and anger on you, you have really done all you can for your dad and are doing what you can for her. So, your mum's frustrations are her's. Not your problem. Your dad is in a good place. You and the rest of the family have enough going on.

 

[Zana]

Frustration...

Speaking as a control freak who does everything herself I can see your mums fear at letting go.

There are such horror stories about what goes on in care homes and how patients are negelcted Im not surprised that she is finding it diffucult to let go.

Having said that it doesnt mean she can dump on everyone else.
But maybe as has been suggested she needs someone outside of the family to whom she can talk and express/share her fears and frustrations with and hopefully that will clear things up a bit.

 

[Jeannine]

While I can see how frustrating this must be for you, I can also see your mothers side very clearly. To see one you love in these circumstances knowing you could do better if only you were capable is a powerful feeling which is why she wants to bring him home. I don't think she feels guilty, she wants to care for him. If she cannot she will sadly eventually give up the control to the care home but it may take a long time however she may never give up the idea of wanting him home. She is what I call twilight grieving and she probably will till your Dad dies, then she will grieve for his death. Of course back off a bit if it is getting you down but bad as it is for you believe me it is much harder for your Mum.

She will be angry with the care home and the more she finds wrong and she will, the worse that may get. I do not think it is obsessive, it is a normal reaction to a situation she has little control over which is unpleasant and unacceptable.

You cannot do what you cannot do, anymore than your Mum or Dad can, so you need to back off and recharge your batteries.

I am very sorry to hear about the other family problems, that is real tough so perhaps focus on them for a while and take a break from Mum.

I don't know how often she likes to visit him if it is often and she relies on you she may have to cut back or find another driver.

Acceptance for your Mum could take a long time, so be prepared for a long haul.

She may accept a friend through an association but she may not be ready for that either.

I hope my comments are not too harsh, I have been in your Mums position and I think I know exactly what is going on in her mind. There are things you can do for her to ease the pain.

Get back to me if I can help in any way.

XX Jeannine

 

[martynW]

MartynW

I am a new member, my mum who is 82 and has Alzheimer's, she had to go into a home after she fell in her own house in September 2016 and was admitted to hospital and never went back to her own property. I am glad to say she has settled in very well at the care home and the staff are all one in a million, I really can't praise them enough.
Recently, she has had bouts of stomach bugs and been admitted to hospital that was in April 2017, she is now back in hospital (June) diagnosed with gallstones, today (Thursday 22nd) she went to theatre for an Endoscopicy, but due to her dementia she could not tolerate the procedure, what happens now? I honestly don't think she would survive a general anesthetiser and even if she did, would it make the dementia worse ? I am at the end of my tether, I only what what's best for my mum.
Any advise would be great, thanks Martyn

 

[Cat27]

I am a new member, my mum who is 82 and has Alzheimer's, she had to go into a home after she fell in her own house in September 2016 and was admitted to hospital and never went back to her own property. I am glad to say she has settled in very well at the care home and the staff are all one in a million, I really can't praise them enough.
Recently, she has had bouts of stomach bugs and been admitted to hospital that was in April 2017, she is now back in hospital (June) diagnosed with gallstones, today (Thursday 22nd) she went to theatre for an Endoscopicy, but due to her dementia she could not tolerate the procedure, what happens now? I honestly don't think she would survive a general anesthetiser and even if she did, would it make the dementia worse ? I am at the end of my tether, I only what what's best for my mum.
Any advise would be great, thanks Martyn

Welcome to TP

Dementia & anaesthetic aren't a good match. I'd ask to speak the the dr at the hospital & see what they advise.

 

[Gladys Hattie]

I don't post often and read a lot.

My DH is 69 and I M 60 and our whole life has changed.

He has dementia loads of tests but everyone has their own opinion It could be vascular or maybe frontal lobe .... But it's hard

I've lost my best friend and partner. He is so aggressive and nasty. My step children don't help so I'm home alone.

I've worked for 40 years, my DH for 50. Yet now we're on our own. No help, no care and I'm really going under. I know lots of people are in the sme place but tonight is just horrendous ......god bless all carers and sufferers.
.

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking situation. You are entitled to a carer's assessment from your GP. Please try to get to the GP within the next week, both you and your DH need you to keep your health!!! You must make it clear to your GP you are not coping - they may be able to point you in the direction of some respite care so you can get a break when you are desperate.

Please also get social services to do an assessment if you haven't already. There will be some help he is entitled to - but I'm afraid you will need to insist - if they see you are doing the caring, they will try to keep it that way.

I'm worried by your description of him being aggressive - if your own health is being harmed and/or if he is a danger to you, you really need to tell your GP and insist on getting some help. If the aggression poses a considerable risk, would you be willing to consider him going into a care home? With all the will in the world, you shouldn't have to be subjected to harm or serious risk.

Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way.