1. kayleigh999

    kayleigh999 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2007
    Hi All

    I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I suppose I am aiming this moreso at people on here whose parent has this illness.

    Has anyone else been totally taken for granted by their siblings and left to do everything? and if so why?

    Mom has vascular dementia, moderate+ I would say, and although she lives with my Dad they are both in their 80's and I, being the only female child have had to take over. The "boys" make a rare appearance, the 1 only 3 times a year and the other rarely too. I feel so, so sad for Mom as she misses them so much and wonders what has happened. Their reasons are too busy with work, familys ETC. My god could we all not say that!!!! I am a single parent with health problems myself and have had to put working on hold as I feel I could not desert them like the others have.

    I dont feel a hero and I dont do it out of duty but some days I feel so taken for granted by my Brothers. Had the chance to go abroad for a week soon but I really feel I could not not be there for Mom and her dozens of distressed phone calls a day that I get.

    They both said the other day they would be lost without me and its only them keeping them alive (their perception, im not a saint:) ) but it did strike a chord with me and I did think when they are no longer here I will take comfort in the fact I was there for them. I have evil thoughts that my Brothers will find a few mins to spare when the will is read!!!

    Anyway just some thoughts. Hope I dont sound resentful, I would have to make do if I was an only child but I am not and hence the anger does come in sometimes.

    Anyway take care to all carers out there and excuse me my grrrrrrr day :)

    K xxx
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I have a a sister and a brother. My sister and I see my mum frequently and my brother very rarely sees her at all - although he does phone up occasionally to check how much money is left in her bank account. It is her birthday today and he hasn't even sent a card, let alone visited. I could say more but I think you get the picture!
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Kayleigh

    You are forgiven. My theory is, either you can accept and help, or you turn away.
    It is not just siblings. My dear Lionel's children have abandoned him. Oh I expect we shall have the tears at the end........but now........silence. No phone calls, no visits.

    Perhaps I'll join you in a 'grrrrrrrr day'

    Hope you feel better for sharing how you feel. Sometimes just writing things down helps ease that pain in our hearts. Take care,
  4. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hi kayleigh

    had to smile at your post although its not a smiling issue:rolleyes:
    I too have a "reluctant" brother work, family, holiday, other commitments:rolleyes:
    i'd like to think it was only a daughter thing but i know through this forum that there is many male carers in the same position.

    I like to think we were the ones born with the wings:D ;)
    and at least i can go to bed at night albeit exhuasted and frustrated but knowing ive done my best.

    good luck from another doer :D

    donna xx
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Kayleigh,

    I was sole carer for my mother too. I had no brothers, just a sister who didn`t want anything to do with our mother.

    Our mother had been equally selfish and negligent with both of us, but I will admit, it took its` toll on my sister more than on me.

    I will also give my sister credit, that she didn`t want any of my mother`s assets and didn`t interfere in any way.

    It does seem that so many families are divided like this.

    Don`t get bitter, Kayleigh. You are doing what your conscience dictates and you will reap what you sow, as your children grow up to be thoughtful and caring people.

    Next time your brothers say they would be lost without you, why don`t you tell them it wouldn`t hurt if they gave a bit too.
    Love xx
  6. forgetmenot

    forgetmenot Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    been taken for granted


    My mother has vascular dementia - I have an older brother who has not been in touch with her for years! My family also let me down after my aunty died as the cousins stopped visiting. I live in London and my mother was in Yorkshire. I moved her down here as I was the only one visiting 200 plus miles away. Families! She was a good aunt to them and was a good mother too. Now she is my toddler. The day I moved her down here they all turned up to say goodbye - how hypocritial can you get.
  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex

    Mine only contacts anyone through a solicitor, he's trying to get control of her money..........no chance!

    Mum's was in May but no card!

    We must be related noelphobic.

    Sadly, siblings, children and various other relations and friends do tend to become suddenly very busy!!

    We are all here for you though.


    Pats herself on the back for managing multiple quotes.......only taken 2 years!!
  8. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Kathleen - I still can't manage multiple quotes. Well done you!

    Are you sure these absent siblings are not Lionel's children in another guise.
    (Oh poor man, what am I suggesting about him):eek: :eek:
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    So there`s still hope for me then. :eek:

  10. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    north yorkshire
    Hi Kayleigh ,

    Its probably different but I`m finding with my children ( Simon - 35 and Emma - 31 ) although they love grandma so very much they suddenly feel uncomfortable `cos they don`t know how to be with her so its really more about them than her and I have to say they are both incredibly caring people of whom I`m enormously proud and who are both there to support me.

    I guess as the person you are you don`t see it as a choice thing so you just get on with it however your brothers feel its ok to be one removed from the situation as I think my children do and while its not acceptable if you`re struggling on your own its maybe understandable....right thats me playng devils advocate .

    Its not fair and you`ve every right to feel aggrieved !!!


    Jeanie x
  11. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Kayleigh,

    I guess I'm lucky as I am one of 3 sisters and we all give our support to our Dad in different ways. But my sisters sometimes feel that more falls on me as one of my sisters lives abroad and the other has a husband and children, whereas I have no such excuse (other than working full time in a business I part own with 'sister with family'). As a result my Mum usually calls me when there is a problem with my Dad.

    I have just had a 2 week holiday abroad, the first since my Dad was diagnosed, and panicked before I went thinking my Dad and Mum couldn't cope without me. Of course they did and I came home to find everything was fine (in fact my Dad is pretty good) and my Dad was able to tell me on the phone when I rang that he was missing me:)

    If you have the chance of a break I would urge you to ignore the guilt monster and take it. Maybe time for your brothers to take up the slack, maybe time for them to realise just how much you do, and lastly a break for you will give you the chance to recharge your batteries and give you some perspective on things.

  12. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Hi Kayleigh

    I am the middle daughter (55) there are 6 of us, yes all girls.

    Long story, Mum came to live with us over 10 months ago ( me and my partner of 11 years) my four children are grown up and left home.

    Mum has mid-stage Alzheimers and Arthritis, she is 82 with limited mobility.
    My 2 older sisters visit once a week for a couple of hours and my 3 younger sisters when they find the time, we are in a different town, some 20 odd miles away, but on a train and bus route.

    I have a good support system in my partner ( he works full time) and Mum goes to Day care Wednesdays 10 till 5.

    All my sisters know that I am giving Mum everything she needs and is well cared for. When they ask if I am ok and coping I always say yes.
    Sometimes, I feel very let down and thought they would want to visit their Mum more often.
    I am not angry, just disappointed, for Mum.
    My Mum is happy and now has a good quality of life, company and love.

    Everyone is an individual and I love my sisters very much and would never fall out with any of them, over, 'who should be doing what.'

    Take care
    Janetruth x


  13. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    All sounds very familiar....

    Hello Kayleigh

    It always amazes me when I read threads on here which strike a chord with my own experiences and your situation is so very similar to mine.

    My brother is married with 2 children (now 18 & 21) not as time consuming as when they were small. ) He has a good job and lives about 40 minutes drive away. They have 3 or 4 holidays abroad each year and are able to go off without a second thought for Mum & Dad.

    I on the other hand am divorced with no children, live about 10 minutes away from Mum & Dad and have taken them on holiday with me for the last 10 years. Last year I took a career break to help with Dad's care as his needs increased. I phoned Mum each morning - visited them every day & spent as much time with them as needed either at home or taking them out & about. I was always ready to dash over day or night when there was a crisis (and there have been quite a few!) & moved in with them for 6 weeks when Dad was discharged from hospital to assist with 24/7 care required. My brother on the other hand rang once a week and visited them every few months - apparently oblivous to Dad's declining health. "He seemed fine when I saw him" - was the usual reply - totally in denial!!!!

    Recently Dad has suffered several major health traumas & sadly his AZ has advanced quite rapidly as a result (he is currently in mental health assessment unit.) Finally the penny seems to have dropped that Dad is actually quite poorly & my brother is now phoning daily for updates & visiting every couple of weeks. A vast improvement - just a shame things had to get so critical for this to happen.

    It now transpires that my brother finds it very difficult to relate (i.e make conversation) with Dad and I think the mask of "not caring" has actually been a front he has put up mainly out of fear. Not everyone finds it easy to "make conversation out of nothing" and I have to do that quite a lot these days.

    I have ranted & raved at him on more than one occasion for not doing his bit & feeling like an only child - when the responsibility should be more evenly shared etc...etc...(particularly when I was working full time & running myself into the ground) It didn't seem to make any difference - but was good therapy for me at the time!!!!

    I do sympathise with you - I wonder if your brothers are scared & in denial as to how serious the situation is now getting.

    Sadly I have no solution to offer - but as previously stated we may go to bed absolutely shattered but at least we know that we are doing all we can.

    Take care


    Gill x
  14. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Nothing helpful to add - just another story about a useless sibling. I have two sisters who are marvellous and do as much as they possibly can.

    My brother is (forgive me!) a "drop kick" , a waste of space and totally useless. He is on sickness benefits (it is true he is not well, but he isn't "dying" as he'd have us believe!) and spends all day every day drinking and watching TV.

    He professes to love our mother dearly and cries at the drop of a hat (hard hearted me thinks the tears are pure alcohol!) - passionately declares he'd do "anything" for Mum, but never bothers to visit or evenm ring up unless he needs money!!!

    He opposes me and my sisters in every decision we make for Mum and casts aspersions about us doing things for our good rather than Mum's. He robs her blind - always asking for money - and of course she gives it to him.

    Do I sound bitter? Yes, I must confess I'm terribly bitter. I don't want him to DO anything for Mum except ring up once a week and maybe visit once a fortnight. (He lives about 1/2 hour from her NH.) I don't expect him to take on any of her care and support needs - wouldn't trust him with them anyway.

    Fortunately for me (and for Mum) my husband is a wonderful S.I.L. and does all sorts of little jobs for her that one woud usually ask of a son - such as fix things that break, organise a TV repair man, pick up her shopping needs, etc.

    My greatest sadness is for Mum. He was/is always her favourite child. Nothing he ever did was wrong. According to Mum, all the world is against him!! It breaks my heart that after everything she (and Dad) have done for him, he can't even give her a little bit of his time. (And, as I've said, his time is not taken up with ANYTHING except his own selfish and self destructive pursuits.)

    BOY!! I've just re=read my post and realised what a bitter old crone I sound!! I knew I was upset by his behaviour but didn't realise how much until it all came pouring out!! Sorry!
  15. Josh

    Josh Registered User

    Jun 24, 2007
    Hi kayleigh,

    Families don’t you just love em !

    Similar situation here as well, My dad died nearly 12 years ago, my Gran (My dads mum) moved in with my mum about 6 months ago,

    I have a very capable Aunty (Gran’s Daughter) who has plenty of time on her hands, lives about a 15 minutes drive from our house. Despite the distance we see her maybe once a month, and if we are lucky a weekly phone call which lasts less than 2 minutes.

    Also have an Uncle who does live about 50 miles away so it is a bit of a distance to travel regularly, which is completely understandable. But a phone call wouldn’t hurt once in a while, however we haven’t had one of those since New Years eve !

    As far as I am aware no family arguments etc has ever taken place, and Gran still thinks the sun shines out of their you know where most of the time, of course on the bad days, we are the bad people and they are on a Pedi-stool

    Be lying if I said it doesn’t get me angry at times, when I think of what My mum is doing for their mother. But then my Gran and mum for that matter wouldn’t have it any other way, Gran has said many times she wouldn’t feel comfortable any where else.

    When I do get angry about it, I just remind my self its their personal choice, and they only have their own conscience to live with, Because one day, I believe they will regret not finding the time to spend those precious minutes with their loved ones.

    Keep your chin up.

    Thinking of you all

    - x -
  16. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hi Kayleigh, I am sure that at the end of the day you will take great comfort in knowing that you did all you possibly could to help mum and dad especially at the time when they needed you most. Your a good daughter and I truely know how hard this is for you. As already quoted your children will grow up learning valuable lessons.I did have a smile reading about the will, not that I thought it funny,but it reminded me of my gran she was Scottish she always said:Where there's a will there's a relative.

    Kayleigh, I don't think you sound like your resentful, just disappointed,I guess you expected and rightly so, that your siblings would also be there for your parents. Never mind your doing your best and you can't do anymore than that. Best Wishes. Taffy.
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    #17 Grannie G, Jul 8, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2007
    Dear Janetruth

  18. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I could have wrote that! When my dad was alive he got the blame for my brother not visiting - because my mum said that my dad didn't like him. After my dad died (and my brother didn't bother visiting my mum before the funeral, and didn't see her after the funeral for over a year ) the blame was passed to me and my sister. My mum decided that he wasn't visiting because we didn't like him. She was in residential care at this time so the chances of his visit coinciding with one of ours was minimal. My mum also wanted us to take her to visit him, despite her extreme fragility and we were made to feel very guilty for not agreeing to this.

    This will sound awful, but I don't actually want him to visit any more. It just causes arguments and problems and after his last visit my mum was quite distressed, although we don't know why exactly.
  19. SHANDY

    SHANDY Registered User

    Jan 24, 2007

    my mums old saying was, a sons a son until he find's a a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life, i have 2 brothers and this is so true.

  20. SHANDY

    SHANDY Registered User

    Jan 24, 2007
    sons and daughters

    moms old saying , 'a sons a son till he find a wife, a daughters a daughter all her life, this is so true

    regards shandy

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