About me and my problem.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by auntie, Feb 5, 2008.

  1. auntie

    auntie Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    8
    london
    At last I have plucked up the courage to enter the TP site. I usually just look in the vain hope I might see the answer to my problems. I can't give too much detail as I am afraid of being identified. My current problem is - the decision to move mum into a care home has been taken, but she will be 100% opposed to it. She still believes she can "do" for herself. The reality is she does nothing. She can still hold a coversation, but it is the same coversation as the one 20 seconds ago. She gets confused and agitated over every thing, and only seems to function while I am on hand. I have siblings who plead numerous excuses for not helpling. Mum is now classed as "severe". She gets lost (the police have been great) but can't understand what the fuss is about. And it's all my fault! She will fight the move to the end, I am sure. But I can cope no more and my own family life has suffered too much. So I need ideas, please. The big day will be coming up soon and I am so unprepared, and feel totally out of my depth. How will I get her there, and keep her there?
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Auntie,
    Welcome to Talking Point. It is so difficult to give you hard and fast rules because everyone has a different way of dealing with the situation.
    My own husband was placed in a E.M.I. Unit 10 months ago so I know all the emotions that you will be going through.
    Later on more people will come on line and offer you advice.
    I wish you all the best
    Christine
     
  3. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Auntie,
    I meant to mention the part where you say It is your fault. You did not give your mother A.D.
    Christine
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Auntie, welcome to TP.

    It's not easy, persuading someone that they need full-time care.

    Like Christine, my husband is now in an EMI unit, but he was transferred ther directly for hospital when he was very ill, so he didn't know the difference.

    Dealing with a parent who is having to give up their independence must be so much harder.

    And of course it's your fault:eek: -- we've all been at the rceiving end of that one.:)

    It certainly sounds as if your mum needs care. If she is confused and wandering, she's not safe to be left in the house alone.

    One ploy some have used is to say that the house has to have some work done urgently, and she's got to move out for a while. Then the work takes longer and longer, until hopefully your mum would settle. I don't know if you think that would work for you.

    Then there's the question of visiting. One argument is, not to visit for a while, until they begin to acccept their new home. The other is, visit as often as possible, so that they don't feel abandoned. There's no right or wrong, you have to decide which would work best for you.

    Lots of our members have been through a similar situation, and will be around later on with suggestions.

    Please don't be afraid of us, we're a friendly bunch really, and you'll soon get to know us.

    Good luck,
     
  5. Christinec

    Christinec Registered User

    Aug 8, 2007
    214
    Dear Antie,
    Welcome and they are are lovely friendly bunch here. I am also very aware of being careful about what I say for the same reasons.

    My mum sounds similar to yours. Anyway I also had to take Mum to home for respite and then long term amongst lots of family conflict. Can I suggest that if possible you take someone else along to help you. My daughter was wonderful although I do worry about the strain on her. Ideally a professional (the right one)might have been good but off course unlikely unless there is really no one in the family- CPN or suppotive carer would have been great.On one occasion husband was there and as Mum of the generation who did what a man told them this helped. I had to be horribly firm with my Mum and say there was no option, lie through my teeth about it only being for a day or two. It was very hard and I sometimes thought we would just not get her there. I do not mean to upset you just prewarn you. We did always get there in the end but boy did it feel bad. I felt ruthless and cruel. I do not think I have ever been so upset even though my Mum and I never really got on well.

    I think I worried too much about packing and if you cannot organise this as well as your Mum it could be done later and taken over to the home. There was no point in me trying to prepare Mum by talking about it in advance as any thought of anything makes her extremely anxious even though after 2 mins she will have forgotten why.I think saying that there need to be work on the house might have worked with some people but would not have worked for Mum.
    I did tell her where we were going before we left the house. I could not lie so completely. If mention of a home came up- once or twice in the year before she said she had to go somewhere else I would be honest and say well the time might come then change the subject as she had always said she would not go in to a home.

    On the positive side at all of the homes Mum was in once we arrived they were very good at taking over and I followed the advice they gave. My experience is that they know how to deal with the person and reassure them. All care homes must deal with this regularly and I was so emotional and exhausted by the time we arrived I was very grateful for the way they swung in to action.

    There is no doubt I worry less about her now and still think this was the only option. I think given the illness she is as well and happy as can be expected. You just have to keep hoping that it was the right move.

    Sorry if this is grim. It probably verges on the worst scenario and your Mum may suprise you on the day - I certainly hope so. I am sure others will come on with more useful, positive ideas but also did not want you to feel that you were alone with this. None of my friends in the real world have any idea of how this feels and when I did it I felt very alone.

    Best wishes
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,865
    Kent
    Dear auntie.
    I hope you have been reassured a little by the advice you have received so far.
    Please let us know how it goes when the time comes.
    Good luck.
     
  7. JuJu

    JuJu Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    8
    north yorkshire
    Dear Auntie

    I was lucky in some respect Mum was placed in a residential home when she broke her ankle in hospital and could not return home until she was weight-bearing. Unfortunately during this time her husband, my stepfather, who was her carer became seriously ill and died in November. She could therefore not go home and also could not stay in the home she was in because she needs EMI care as she is aggressive.

    I have just moved her to a home nearer me, as the only 1 of 4 children, who show any interest in her. Leaving her that day was dreadful, she has had a lot to deal with - leaving home, her husband dying and now having to adjust to a new environment.

    In all the time she has been in care she has never mentioned 'home' until the other day in a rare moment of lucidity she said " I hope someone is looking after my house, I know I am never going back there". She then continued on about nothing and has never mentioned it again.

    I find it hard not to see her every other day as she is only ever content when I am there and leaving her is like leaving your child at school for the first day. Only she never gets over this and I leave feeling I have abandoned her. What I would not give for just 10 minutes of 'normal conversation' with her to explain her situation to her and for her to let me know that she is okay. the only consolation is that she is receiving excellent care which could not be provided at home, I just wish she would be happier, but she is just a very frightened lonely person who cannot understand anything that is happening to her.

    I can only wish you good luck for the day and hope your mum settles well. It is a very big step to take and all our thoughts are with you to help you through this emotional rollercoaster that we all find ourselves on.
     
  8. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    31
    grimsby
    my lies

    i to tell my mum a few lies about going in to respite i tell her she is having some memory test like she has at mental health clinic i tell her they just ask her few question and just monitor the way she gets around by the time i pick her up she cant even remember being there when i ask her what she done over last few days she always says why have i been away i to dont get lot of help from my family and i am dreading the time i have to put her in peremently as she lives with us and thingd are not that good at moment her memory as got worse over the last week and her mood swings hope you find a way it is terrible that we have to lie but it has to be done
     
  9. auntie

    auntie Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    8
    london
    Thankyou

    Thankyou for your messages of support. It really did help, especially as Mum was offered a place quickly after she went missing again for 10 hours. She co-operated on the day because she thought we were taking her out somewhere nice. She hasn't settled in but it is still early days. She gets quite aggressive with the staff, but so far not with the family. We have been at our wits end, and it seems we have swapped one set of problems for another. But at least we are reasonably sure that she is safe, if not happy. Hopefully things will get better as time goes on.
     
  10. JuJu

    JuJu Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    8
    north yorkshire
    I am glad you have got over your first hurdle. My mum has been at her new home now for 4 weeks and things are slightly better. She is still aggressive and abusive to staff (but so far not to me- long may that continue) but does have some good days. This week she decided to take her teeth out and throw them on the floor breaking them! Apparently for 2 days after she was wonderful and the carers told me not to replace them as they thought they were the root of all evil! Teeth or no teeth today she is as grumpy as ever and blaming everyone for losing her teeth.

    Anyway as you say you now know she is safe and well looked after and hopefully this will give you some peace of mind. I have found that reading other people's comments has helped me not feel as emotional and stressed out when visiting her and having to leave. I have to come to terms with the fact that she is in the best place, I just enjoy the time I spend with her and try not to worry about how she is when I am not there as I cannot do anything about it. It seems easy written down but it takes some doing!

    Best Wishes
    Julie
     
  11. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Auntie,

    I agree with what everyone else has said. I had the same situation with my Mum but the staff in care homes are very used to dealing with this. There is an awful lot of lying involved I'm afraid.

    Best of luck, I hope she settles in well.
     
  12. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Auntie,

    The decision to find a care home for mum was taken out of our hands as the hospital would not discharge her without 24-hour care being in place. She has been in the home for just 6 months now, and has only just started to regard it as home. For the first 4 months she didn't like it, staff weren't nice, food was rubbish, room was cold, other residents weren't pleasant. Now we have the opposite, Janice is wonderful, Maria too, food is great, everywhere is warm, she has made some friends. Today I brought her to my house for tea for Mother's day. She had to be persuaded to come, but she enjoyed it. But she was anxious to get back. She knows she doesn't have her own home any more, that was distressing, but I think she now finds a familiarity with my home that she find reassuring - she regards it as "her place".

    I wish you luck and love. It comes right in the end.

    Margaret
     

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