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Abandoning Dad.

Bonnie blue

New member
Aug 1, 2019
3
62
East Kilbride
My Dad lived with my husband and I for 13 years after my mum died suddenly. Last year he was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease and this year with terminal cancer. He moved into a nursing home last Saturday because we couldn't cope any longer. He has settled in well but because of the corona virus we can't get into see him. I feel as if I have abandoned him even though he doesn't really know who I am. I am just praying we get to see him again when the lock down is lifted. The home sent pictures of him by email and he didn't have his teeth in or his glasses on and someone else's jumper on and that really upset me. I am a carer in a nursing home so I know what a difficult job they do, but when it comes to your family it is completely different. I am so grateful he is being looked after and he does seem happy. Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest. Xx
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,049
Yorkshire
hello @Bonnie blue
welcome to posting on DTP
it's such a tough decision to make to move a parent into residential care ... and these are challenging times ... so I'm glad you thought to post here to share your situation
I know that you will do your utmost for the residents in your care, so you'll know that the carers looking after your dad will be doing all they can ... it's deeply personal when it's your own family involved; feelings are so very different
you have not for a second abandoned your dad, you never could, so don't let any guilt in ... rest up and relax a little so you are ready to visit when you are able
and keep posting
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
179
My Dad lived with my husband and I for 13 years after my mum died suddenly. Last year he was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease and this year with terminal cancer. He moved into a nursing home last Saturday because we couldn't cope any longer. He has settled in well but because of the corona virus we can't get into see him. I feel as if I have abandoned him even though he doesn't really know who I am. I am just praying we get to see him again when the lock down is lifted. The home sent pictures of him by email and he didn't have his teeth in or his glasses on and someone else's jumper on and that really upset me. I am a carer in a nursing home so I know what a difficult job they do, but when it comes to your family it is completely different. I am so grateful he is being looked after and he does seem happy. Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest. Xx
Hi @Bonnie blue

It sounds as though you have put an enormous amount of care and effort into your Dad's well-being. You say that he has settled into the nursing home well and that is such a good thing. It is distressing when we see our parent dressed in someone else's clothes but it happens and its very unlikely that your Dad will notice or mind. You could ask that the carers make sure that your Dad has his glasses on and teeth in during the day. The fact that they e-mailed you photos suggests that they are caring and approachable. There may be some reason why he was not wearing either in the photo's.

The only thing that really matters is that he seems happy.

It is incredibly hard to make the choice of moving a loved one into care and particularly difficult at the moment when we can't visit. The guilt monster jumps out at us at every opportunity. Try to focus on the fact that he seems happy. You haven't abandoned your Dad, you have made sure that he is safe and well looked after. You have done a good job.
 

Bonnie blue

New member
Aug 1, 2019
3
62
East Kilbride
Hi @Bonnie blue

It sounds as though you have put an enormous amount of care and effort into your Dad's well-being. You say that he has settled into the nursing home well and that is such a good thing. It is distressing when we see our parent dressed in someone else's clothes but it happens and its very unlikely that your Dad will notice or mind. You could ask that the carers make sure that your Dad has his glasses on and teeth in during the day. The fact that they e-mailed you photos suggests that they are caring and approachable. There may be some reason why he was not wearing either in the photo's.

The only thing that really matters is that he seems happy.

It is incredibly hard to make the choice of moving a loved one into care and particularly difficult at the moment when we can't visit. The guilt monster jumps out at us at every opportunity. Try to focus on the fact that he seems happy. You haven't abandoned your Dad, you have made sure that he is safe and well looked after. You have done a good job.
hello @Bonnie blue
welcome to posting on DTP
it's such a tough decision to make to move a parent into residential care ... and these are challenging times ... so I'm glad you thought to post here to share your situation
I know that you will do your utmost for the residents in your care, so you'll know that the carers looking after your dad will be doing all they can ... it's deeply personal when it's your own family involved; feelings are so very different
you have not for a second abandoned your dad, you never could, so don't let any guilt in ... rest up and relax a little so you are ready to visit when you are able
and keep posting
Thank you for your kind words. Needed to hear them.
 

Bonnie blue

New member
Aug 1, 2019
3
62
East Kilbride
Hi @Bonnie blue

It sounds as though you have put an enormous amount of care and effort into your Dad's well-being. You say that he has settled into the nursing home well and that is such a good thing. It is distressing when we see our parent dressed in someone else's clothes but it happens and its very unlikely that your Dad will notice or mind. You could ask that the carers make sure that your Dad has his glasses on and teeth in during the day. The fact that they e-mailed you photos suggests that they are caring and approachable. There may be some reason why he was not wearing either in the photo's.

The only thing that really matters is that he seems happy.

It is incredibly hard to make the choice of moving a loved one into care and particularly difficult at the moment when we can't visit. The guilt monster jumps out at us at every opportunity. Try to focus on the fact that he seems happy. You haven't abandoned your Dad, you have made sure that he is safe and well looked after. You have done a good job.
Thank you. I know everything you have said is true but I just needed to hear it from someone who understands. Thank you.