abandoned Hero

[Norman]

Did you all see the story of the ex fighter pilot,racing driver who was left at a hospital with a label pinned to him.
It seems his wife brought him from Spain and dumped him because she couldn't cope any longer with him, because he had Alzheimer's!!!!!
Any body know more?
Norman

 

[connie]

Dear Norm, I could not beleive what I was reading when that story first appeared. By now I think we will all have read that this was a sad case of someone who could not cope.

There is always someone to help, and this should never have happened. I knew Ken Baker, the man concerned, in his motor racing days, and then when he had his pub. What a tradegy! Let us hope that the family rallies roung him soon. Connie

 

[barraf]

Yes Norman

I think we all saw it, and most of us cannot understand why people should do such a thing.

You must remember that most of the members of TP, and local support groups are stong carers. But there are others (and perhaps his wife is one of those) who just can't cope with the strain of caring for someone with dementia. Be it Alzheimer's or any other form of dementia.

I do not condone the method she used of dumping her husband in a hospital foyer, but I can to some extent understand how she feels, and would hesitate to condemn her without knowing a great deal more about the circumstances.

I think it is just another pointer to the fact that the government are only too happy to let the relatives do the caring, and will only pick up the pieces when something of that nature occurs. Then they are only too ready to mouth platitudes about what help is available if only you had asked.

Well we all have asked and know only too well the difficulties involved in getting the help we would wish for.

Cruel as it may sound, if more people take the same stance as this poor mans family something may get done to help all of us.

Barraf

 

[Chesca]

Yes, but most people would try an awful lot harder to get help out of a deep sense of love and duty. I'm sure that we have all at one time or another prayed for some divine intervention, felt we were losing our own minds through the stress of caring and fighting through the minefield of the system. I don't think I'm strong, but I developed strength and skills I never dreamt I was capable of, and I suspect that it is true of most carers, and, yes, there has been a high price to pay by members of my family but with little regret.

The only good thing that has come out of this is that the heartless harpy may be ostracised by the rest of his family and friends, of whom I read he had many - they were just too far away to see what was going on by the sound of things.

I just hope this wonderful man now receives some overdue decent, loving care.

Chesca

 

[Brucie]

Hi Chesca,

I agree 100%

 

[Mjaqmac]

Chesca I agree

I too have developed strength and skills I never knew I had.

I think it was very sad what happened to the man, but in a strange way, I can understand that the "carer" must have been at their wits end. Some days caring just seems an impossible task, but you seem to get through the next 24 hours anyway.

People keep telling me if I collapsed or died someone would cope with mum. Is that what it would take? How sad that people will only help if you are no longer able through tragic circumstances to do it yourself.

I hope the gentleman gets the respect and care he deserves, let's hope the lady finds a way through too, it must have really been the end of the line for her. Nobody can understand what a carer's life is like until they have tried it themselves. Everyone is great at telling you what and how to do it, but they jump back like a scalded cat if it looks like it might become anything to do with them.

I was told by my mother's own sister yesterday I should think about putting my mother in a home. Why can't people realise it's real help we carers need, we want to do the job for as long as possible and maybe if someone would listen to us occasionally and help, sad events like the man being left at a hospital wouldn't take place.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Magic

you say "I can understand that the "carer" must have been at their wits end"

I quite agree, we've all been there already I suspect.

But in such a circumstance, I reckon most of us would bring the person back to the UK and not just drop them off? I'd have thought, take them somewhere and explain the circumstances... [and not just a note] then maybe run like hell, if they felt that way.

But make sure the person is properly acknowledged by someone who can take responsibility first.

 

[Norman]

The only good that may come out of this awful incident is that it may highlight the problems of carers and Alzheimer's desease in particular.
Norman

 

[Brucie]

Very good, though it would have been even more helpful if part of the support for carers had included a reference to Talking Point!

I know it was not of relevance necessarily in this case, but it is one of the range of help that AS provides. Some of the very helpful suggestions from Jude, Sheila, Norman, Magic, Chesca, Snuffy, etc prove absolutely invaluable to very many people, and just knowing you are not the only one is a major step.

Yes, I know... preaching to the converted. It might be a good idea to ask those who produce the responses to consider whether or not TP should be included.

In my view, there are very few occasions for responses when TP should not be highlighted as its area of coverage is so great and important.

 

[Mjaqmac]

You're right Brucie, this has been the only place I have found any good sound advice or comfort and I can come to it any time of the day or night. No one knows when the terrble all consuming grief or I can't cope feeling will strike. A 24 hour national helpline especially for carers run by former carers is needed. Samaratians are great but you need to speak to someone whom has experienced it, who can say, don't feel bad, I've been there too, your feelings are normal. Sometimes that's all you need to hear. When Mum first took the dem/Alz I knew nothing and had nowhere to turn including my family, it was here I began to gather strength because I didn't feel so desperatley alone anymore.

Someone needs to start listening to us or there may be more people abandoned at hospitals. Yes, you would like to think you would do all sorts of things in that situation, we have all been able to hang on so far, but who knows mentally what that woman was going through? It was a very grand gesture of a cry for help. She has now got it, but look at the lengths she had to go to. Says a lot, doesn't it?

 

[Norman]

Magic
I agree but what about the husband.
In his lucid moments he must have suffered like hell,I hope he is well looked after nowand I hope his lady has a conscience
Norman

 

[Sheila]

Hi all, it is a very sad tale of utter despair. The lady apparently could not get help in Spain and got little advice from over here either. Whilst not condoning leaving the poor man there like that, I can empathise with her need to get help, for both him and herself before she did something awful. There were many times when Mum started off down the road for the umpteenth time, I felt, oh, go on then, let the police pick you up, then I panicked, (took about two minutes) and rushed off to catch her up and bring her back once she decided she would. This went on for years, every carer will know this feeling and if you were to hit rock bottom, maybe there but for the grace of God? The answer is adequate help from the powers that be, before this state is ever reached. We must campaign to get this for now, for the future, otherwise it could be some of us in the lost and founds!! Love She. XX

 

[barraf]

Hello again

I seem to be in a minority in my opinion of the sorry state of affairs that lead to this poor man being left at the hospital.

Most of your posts bear out what I said about some carers being stonger than others.

I personally know three carers very well, two spouses and one daughter who put their respective carees into homes, long before most of you would have even considered it. I know they didn't abandon them in a hospital foyer but in my opinion abandon them they did.

Some people can cope and some cannot, and as Sheila says "There but for the grace of God go I"

Barraf

 

[Brucie]

I agree to an extent Barraf, but to fly someone from Spain and dump them in a foyer - that is beyond the pale.

There are degrees of abandonment. I think anyone who puts a loved one into a care home feels at some stage they have let the person down by abandoning them, no matter how bad the circumstances, how good the care, how impossible the task at the family home.

In the early days when she was there I've driven home from leaving Jan at her care home - and before that at the hospital on assessment - and I've been crying so much that I've had to stop the car; I've broken down at the sound of a particular piece of shared music from the past, or simply in the shower.

I'm not strong, but I'd have died before I abandoned her by just having someone drop her off without making sure that she was settled someplace.

But everyone has their own views, their own situation, their own voices in the night.

 

[Chesca]

Dear Barraf

I don't believe you are in a minority re the sorry state of affairs leading to the hospital fiasco. My sense of outrage at the difficulties in accessing the system is more than well-documented but I do know what you mean. I just don't accept that any serious attempt was made to get any available help - by the time you arrive at such a state of medication for yourself by the doctor, as the wife claims to be, the doctor surely would have to be neglecting a duty if he didn't advise the options open to you - one of which wouldn't be 'catch yourself a flight back to blighty, take him to the nearest hospital which will not charge you and leave him there without a contact address'. History will tell. Mum is only 10 minutes down the road from me now, in a nursing home, which is closer than before her admission. But every time I leave her I feel a sense of abandoning her.

I'm not in the market for judging those who decide unwaveringly that the only way forward for them is an early care home placement but there are ways and means. There is something decent and honest about accepting your limitations and in the long run that has to be a kindness and demonstrates care - it wasn't my choice until the situation became too risky for Mum and Dad, but I wouldn't dare judge those who have made that choice at whatever stage. It is, truly, there but for the grace of God.............

As for being strong.......you don't even realise your turning into Popeye as each day progresses. It's only when you look back and think, Lawks! how did I do that?, that you realise you developed something unspoken, strength?, through love and determination? Who knows?
Chesca

 

[Mjaqmac]

There was a huge write up in the Daily Mail yesterday about this story and also other facts about Alzheimer's including a test you can have to see if you will take it yourself in later life. Personally I'm undecided on that one, I don't think I could cope with knowing if I'm prone, they said taking a B vitamin and folic acid, lots of walking and mental stimulation will stave it off. The latter two things not so easy when you are a full time carer.

The one good thing that has come out of this sad happening is publicity for the plight of dem/alz carers. If anyone has any ideas for more publicity the time is now to strike while the iron's hot, if anyone has stories they would want to contact a newspaper or magazine with alzheimer's carers are the topic of the moment and now is the time.

 

[Geraldine]

I believe this man had 9 children back in the UK. I wonder where they all were when the calls for help were made?

I have been in a similar situation. Mum's health broke down completely on holiday last year. After a midnight dash to A+E in Exeter 200 miles from home it was suggested to me by a junior doctor that my delusional Mum, who by now could not walk, who did not know me and who was lashing out should be taken home as there was nothing 'medically' wrong' with her. I had to completley break down before any notice was taken and suggest that this course of action would probably end up with a pile up on the M5. It was only steely resolve and witnessing my own fragile mental state that got anything done. In the end I think it was a call to our own GP back in Nottingham that got them to see sense and get Mum back in an ambulance. It was from there that she went in a home. In most cases carer's do not get any help unless their own health is at breaking point and nothing anyone will say will move me from that position!

Geraldine

 

[Brucie]

Excellent. Thanks!