aaaaaaaggggghhhhhh !


Registered User
Jan 9, 2006
I am at a loss what to do at present and feel like we are sinking. We try really hard to look after mum, even though she doesn't think she need slooking after
My brother and I care for mum ( we are trying to keep her in her own home as long as we can! ) whilst we try to hold down full time jobs ourselves,
I phoned the Nurse at the Memory Team last Monday to advise that mum has been getting more and more aggressive and violent of late (I am covered in bruises at present on my arms and I twisted my ankle last week trying to fend her off - she is not a feeble little old lady!!) this was because I wanted to empty her washing machine and hang stuff out on the line for her, she went mad at me. We are having more and more incidents like this so I spoke to the nurse at the memory clinic who said she would speak to the consultant and get back to me. I heard nothing so chased on Wednesday and then again on Friday. Well the nurse phoned me yesterday and said that she had squeezed mum in for a home visit as an emergency but myself or my brother would have to be there. Sadly neither my brother nor I can get the time off work at such short notice so now we feel really guilty for not being there for mum. So the consultant will not call. ( if the nurse had phoned me last week I could have got the time off as no one else was off work last week!)
Now we have to try and get mum to the actual Memory Clinic which is miles away from us and is virtually impossible cos if mum decides she is not doing something she is not doing it. She has not been through the door since Christmas day and nothing we do can make her get ready and come out and I cannot physically be in her house more than a few minutes as she does not want me there at all (for some reason she has taken a distinct dislike to me in every way. (apparently I have stolen everything she possesses!! )

Anyway sorry to rant on and on but we were hoping that maybe the consultant could just change her meds or something because obviously if she sees him she is not going to be aggressive or violent whilst he is there so invariably they take us aside and ask us what is going on anyway , so I just wondered am I being unreasonable to think they could have helped a bit more without actually seeing her. I could understand it if they said she had to see her GP or something (maybe to check for a urine infection or something) but they have not suggested this at all so now we have to wait until 9th May for her appointment (that is if we can get her there!!!) Any suggestions please.


Registered User
Sep 26, 2007
Hi Maggie,

It is awful that you are under so much pressure and you are all feeling the strain. This is the difficulty when you are working and trying to help someone. I wish the system would accommodate for everyone who is caring! What people need are more options - but the system is so under pressure it makes it difficult.

I know that when my Granny is unsettled we try and take a urine sample and get it tested as that can make a big difference to her behaviour. The GP may be the best idea for you at the moment. It could be something else medical triggering the behaviour. Also need to communicate the difficulties you are facing. We've also experienced being told to leave! We just leave her for a little while and return later and she's more calm.

Try doing things she doesn't like you doing elsewhere if possible or maybe someone could take her out for a little while to let you get it done? It can be frustrating for someone with dementia to see someone else doing things they used to do but aren't able to. Just a few suggestions but I think given the circumstances you need someone to listen to you and how you are feeling so I would try your GP. Hope this helps at bit.

Take care,

EmJ :)


Registered User
Apr 7, 2008
Lancashire England
Hi Maggie

It's really tough isn't it??? From what I have read on TP it seems that a lot depends on where you live regarding the standard of service you receive. I'm in Lancashire and it has taken years for the GP to acknowledge that Mum even had a problem despite my letters and visits. Dad died in December so maybe that's why she has now taken some action. Dad used to be the thief and the liar, now it's me (I moved in in December.)
Mum is in complete denial as there's nothing wrong with her IT's ME of course making her THINK she's going mad by taking and moving her things and then putting back somewhere else !!! I wouldn't mind but I work full time so don't really have the time or inclination to spend my free time moving things around. Mum did the memory test two weeks ago (that was a nightmare to get her there) and the psychiatrist wants me to phone him this afternoon. Hope he has some answers for me !!
I am sure someone will be able to give some good advice. Unfortunately I'm new to all this so am learning every day.
Good Luck
Will read the other replies and hopefully learn for the future !!!


Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
Hello Maggie

This sounds like a pain in the neck for you. As if life isn't difficult enough!!I am new to all this, Alan my husband, having a dementia. However, I was wondering whether a C.P.N. would be able to assist you. It is my understanding that they sometimes accompany patients on visits to appointments. Would it be worth considering contacting a C.P.N. and asking what they could offer your mother in any case??

Best wishes Maggie



Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Maggie,

Did the nurse (presumably a CPN) say why you or your brother had to be there? If the consultant needs information from you, could this be provided in writing before and/or after the visit?

I now find it better anyway to give the Consultant written details of the problems rather than describe my Dad's behaviour in front of him.

I'm lucky in that I am my own boss and can take time if I need it, but there must be so many other carers who can't.

Have you explained to the Memory Clinic that your Mum might refuse to leave the house? Could the nurse visit?

Sorry, this post seems to be all questions! We are going through the same kind of struggle as you to get the help we need, and all the advice I can give is to keep pushing!

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