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A year on and things have progressed.


Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
I last posted this time last year when Mum was first moved to the NH: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?73013-Help-Dad-cant-cope-How-quick-can-respite-care-be-invoked

Since then, in November my Father decided that he could no longer cope with the family home and using a taxi to visit her on a daily basis and moved in to the NH. A double room became available and Mum changed rooms and Dad joined her. All very quick. It soon became apparent, however, that this wasn't really working either. Mum was becoming very agitated and volatile with the carers and was shouting out overnight. Where Dad had had a break when he went home, now he was finding he was there all the time. Mum's attention span diminished and where they were able to either have a conversation or watch a little bit of TV, she wasn't really able to cope with that.

So, Dad moved out of their double room and into a single "residential" room in the NH's other location, a couple of miles away. He was able to catch up with sleep and have a bit of "me" time. He had to rely on the staff to ferry him up to the NH where mum was and then back to his room, which was OK short term but not really sustainable. Then a room became available on the residential side in the same location as Mum so he moved again, there. He now visits Mum from 10-4pm every day and then goes back to his room.

Mum's dementia has progressed. Whilst she still mostly recognises the family, she does get very agitated with the carers and now has a "behavour log". I visited on Thursday to take Dad to the Dentist and had a meeting with the NH. Mum's weight has dropped to 45kg. At the beginning of June 2014 she was 69kg. Beginning of June 2015 - 49kg. Last Monday she was weighed - 45kg. Also she is getting aggressive with the carers when they try and help her. I don't know what to do to help. She isn't drinking enough either, so has continual UTIs. The NH are concerned and are trying various things to get her to eat a bit more. The doctor is aware too. Her decline is accelerating. Even in the last two weeks I can see a change. There is a meeting with the dietician on Tuesday (at the same time I'm supposed to be taking Dad back to the Dentist for further treatment.)

Dad isn't doing too well either. He has left the family home to my sister and I to clear. But still wants his possessions kept (in case he want them in the future). He was a hoarder too, so we've had a mammoth task sorting out things. Still very much in the middle of it all as we both work. I have two children as well so we only get the weekends really to crack on. I spent the two half terms with my sister and brother in law with numerous trips to the tip and charity shops. Then we've had the occasion where he asks for a particular item. We have to go through boxes of "stuff" to find what he wants (if it hasn't been sent to charity).

They are self funding in the NH which is costing an arm and a leg. I am grateful that they have the funds in order to do this but I'm scared in case the money runs out. We have their family home still, however, DF hasn't given us permission to sell it. But he still assumes we will be "sorting everything out". I know that houses take time to sell. A difficult conversation is overdue.

Then we've got the POA issues for both Mum and Dad. Managed to get that kicked off in February (it was very marginal with mum, but the solicitor OK'ed it). Now I'm in the process of registering them with the various financial institutions, and also trying to deal with utility companies who won't talk to me as I'm not the account holder - you get the picture. DF doesn't do ringing companies as he gets confused/doesn't hear what is said, he passes that over to me.

In all of this I have my own family. Two boys 13 and 11 and DH. I honestly feel run ragged at the moment and stressed out by the situation with my parents and trying to sort out my own family. I'm suffering with bad headaches, stomach issues and my skin is a mess. Also totally menopausal. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I dread the phone ringing and can't see a way through.

Sorry for the ramble, it helps to get it out into print sometimes.


Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
North West
This must be so hard for you flashbird.

I haven't had this sort of experience but I know there are many members who have so I'm just bumping your thread in the hope that you will get some supportive responses.


Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
I visited this afternoon to take dad to the dentist again. Mum has lost another 2kg this week. The doctor was in to see her yesterday and she saw the dietician this afternoon (unfortunately this coincided with the dentist). I understand that they are going to try her on Fortisip supplements to try and increase her calorie intake. Dad told me she didn't eat any of her lunch today. She kept asking to go home and got quite distressed.

I'm very concerned.


Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
near Folkestone
Oh flashbird I am so sorry as it must be incredibly hard and sad for you . I have no advice for you as I am not in that position yet but sending lots of hugs your way xx

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