A .weekend away but I can't wait for ot to be Monday

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by father ted, Apr 22, 2015.

  1. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    691
    London
    For the first time in 5 years I have the opportunity to go away this weekend with my husband-just the 2 of us. Have arranged sitting service for Mum and my disabled daughter is going to respite but the stress of all the organisation of it has taken the potential enjoyment away.
    When I wanted to go away before Mum refused to go to the family member who had offered to care for her (this is her favourite niece who she gets on with) saying I was 'treating her like a parcel being passed from one to another' there were tears and slamming doors etc so I stayed at home with her and forgo my weekend. She said then she would prefer if I got a sitter in so she could stay put. I have not told her yet that we are going this weekend because I know she won't be happy and will turn the tears on and say she is treated like a child- but now her reasoning has gone she behaves like one. She says if I don't want her here I must put her in a home, simply because at the age of 56 and for the first time in 5 years I want a weekend without her!!!!
    What makes it worse is my disabled daughter would rather not go to respite but when she has a visit due my Mum keeps asking her if she likes going and then winks at me so sometimes I truly think she does it deliberately just to stir things up. Also my daughter would get anxious if she knows I am more than a couple of hours drive away and starts to get upset and says 'but what if I need you' and calls me everyday whilst she's there any way.
    I am planning not to tell Mum we are going away till Friday evening when daughter has already gone to respite so she won't get worried.
    I know it seems cruel but Mum seems to think that if I want a bit of private time away from her then I am rejecting her. If it were only her I was caring for I might cope but her lack of consideration for everyone else annoys me even though I know its the condition. She insists that I' have changed, become hard and cruel and that's not from my side of the family' if I go out wants to know where I am going and who I am seeing. Took myself off to and exhibition the other day and when I got in she asked what it was about and her reply was' ooh how boring'.
    How can I maintain looking after her but shut out all the irritations that seem to increase everyday and get over the guilt I feel for simply wanting to spend quality time with my husband ? We are together a lot at home but are always engaged in 'doing' for family members. I know this sounds selfish but that's how I feel.:(
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,156
    Toronto, Canada
    I think you have made a wise decision to not tell your mother till Friday night. It's not cruel, it's sensible. One of the sad things with dementia is the lack of empathy it often brings on. Our loved ones do seem to become incredibly self-centred. We have to try and remember that they are most likely very scared.

    You do deserve time for yourself with your husband. Please try to relax and enjoy your weekend. If your daughter gets upset when you're more than a couple of hours drive away, would it be unreasonable for you to tell her you're going to somewhere closer than you actually are?

    Next time you go to an exhibition or movie or whatever "me time" you've arranged, tell your mother you were at the dentist. It was what a friend of mine would tell her husband. He was not at all interested in the dentist so it made life a little easier for her.
     
  3. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    202
    West London
    God bless you....you have definitely earned a break, hope when you finally get to your destination you can relax and enjoy it


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    I don't think you sound selfish for wanting respite, or that you sound selfish for wanting some uninterrupted time with your husband. I think you sound like a normal, reasonable human being who has a right to a life of your own.

    You say this is the first time in five years you will have gone away, just the two of you. I'm not very good at maths but I think that means that out of about 1,825 days, you would like two days to call your own. :)

    I also agree that it's practical, and not at all cruel, not to tell your mother ahead of time. You are not cruel, you are being sensible and doing what will be best, even if it's not 100% truthful or what you would do under other circumstances. What is cruel, is the dementia.

    If there are tears and slamming doors again this time, like last time you tried to go away, don't give in. Go on your trip anyway. You more than deserve some time away, you need it. I am sure it's very difficult and very stressful but if you never get any respite how will you keep going?

    I hope you have the best weekend you possibly can. If you get a chance, please come back and let us know how you get on.
     

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