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A wedding, care dilemna

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
623
0
My daughter is getting married in July, which involves an overnight stay .
What to do about mum?
I look after mum 24/7 and am very happy with the slow progression of Alzheimer’s, even though it seems to be picking up a pace.
Obviously my daughter wants me to be at her wedding (father passed away) and I would wish to be there.
However I would be quite happy for it all to go away, what do I do with mum? I have decided as step one to ask her if she wants to come. If she dosnt it’s easy(???!) but very expensive, just phone a care firm and get in carers for 24 hours. (I think it could be £700 as we don’t use a care firm)
If she wants to come to the wedding solutions I have are taking mum plus carer to the actual wedding and drinks reception only and sending them home in a taxi (add another £50 to the cost) or.... have carer meet mum after drinks reception and sit with her til 10 pm , I would also have carer in on the Friday night from 5/10 so that I could have fun and frivolity ... all I would need is someone to feed the cats!
I need to put my big girls pants on and sort this, but I just don’t want to.
My sister in law is in the same boat but family have stepped in. My sister was asked to help but won’t, so it’s me again. Mums got the money, without my care she would be in a home so I guess I just feel like I need permission to have a break!!
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,584
0
West Hertfordshire
Isnt it sad when a family member wont assume responsibility for your Mum for a day so she can attend and be taken home by a friendly face when she/you have had enough without you having the worry on your daughters wedding day.

Do you have a nice friend that might? I know I would for a friend, let her get on with enjoying the day, and be her mothers buddy all day long,
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,331
0
Yorkshire
permission given @Starting on a journey
personally I would arrange as much cover as you need to have a slightly longer break .... if there are times a daughter wants her mother around, one surely is her wedding
I wouldn't ask your mum whether she wants to go ... yes she may enjoy with no fuss, but she may not with a great deal of fuss (not deliberate) and your focus should be on your daughter, which your mum of old would most prpbably have understood
arrange carers .... go and create precious memories for you and your daughter
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
623
0
I might, but it’s a big ask, the problem is that mum won’t tolerate more than an hour , if she say quietly in a corner that would be fine but I think she will spend most of the time In the room, asleep, moaning or watching the tv.
I had a special person 3 years ago at my last daughters wedding as I didn’t trust my sister ... I think mum is quite a bit further on now. She is ok as long as everything we do is tailored to her needs and wants which obviously can’t happen on a social occasion
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
623
0
@Jessbow
@Shedrech
Thanks for your replies; I think it’s causing bad times for me as my husband died weeks before my first daughters wedding and hers was understandably a nightmare. Things have improved for me but I do feel echos of the past and probably that’s why I just want to ignore it. Mums problems can be solved by money, which she has.
Thankyou for reading and giving me the opportunity to realise that it is the whole wedding thing not just mum that is the problem
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,844
0
Dorset
It’s like taking my dogs to any event, however simple, in the long run it is easier and allows me more time to have fun without worrying what they are doing, if I leave them at home tucked up safely.
Arrange care for Mum at home so you can go to the wedding without the constant worry of what she does/doesn’t want/won’t do etc.
Numbers may still be restricted at weddings so that’s one less to fit in too.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
13,889
0
England
It might be worth thinking about arranging a couple of days respite for your Mum so she is covered day and night in a local care home. . If your mum has funds then use those. It’s just two days and though expensive, you can’t put a price on being at your daughters wedding And being free to enjoy it/
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
96
0
We decided that Mum wouldn't go to my daughter's wedding however, she was able to manage with remote support.

Initially, when Mum saw the photographs, she kept saying "I should have been there" but within a week or so, she'd forgotten all about the wedding.

This is your daughter's day so make those arrangements for your Mum and have a fantastic time without her.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
225
0
It might be worth thinking about arranging a couple of days respite for your Mum so she is covered day and night in a local care home. . If your mum has funds then use those. It’s just two days and though expensive, you can’t put a price on being at your daughters wedding And being free to enjoy it/
From what I've heard, care homes aren't keen to offer respite for that short a time as it takes PWD a long time to get accustomed to new surroundings. Getting a carer at home is a better solution