I have been reading comments on TP about whether or not to care for someone at home and whether or not to carry on working etc. For what it is worth, here is my situation.
I have been unable to work since March because my mother's care needs, despite being in formal 'care settings' such as the hotel/home, hospital, EMI wing and nursing home always seem to me to be quite poorly addressed. So, as an early-retiree with time on my hands, I have spent my energies trying to get her the best possible care in whatever setting she has found herself and working with carers informally to care for my mother, feeding, washing, toiletting, dressing her, taking her out into the grounds, and giving her as much of my time as I could manage. I have also tried to act as her advocate beacuse I have experience, in a former life, of providing advocacy.
Increasingly, as she has grown frailer, I have felt that Guilt Monster climb aboard more heavily, because I simply have very little faith in care homes. I see things, practices that I think are often mediocre if not downright poor. I would love to scoop my mother up and bring her back to my home, but I know that I wouldn't be able to manage and that has frequently reduced me to howling desperation. I wish that there was just one home in which I had total confidence, but I haven't seen one yet, and I have visited a good number this year.
My mother's final years are not going to be that sunny decline that I had always imagined but I am going to try and make sure that they are as comfortable as they possibly can be. However much I dislike care homes I do not think I could cope with my mother either. In fact I am certain of it. So I have tried to raise my concerns about her care in as constructive a way as possible and when I feel that care is good, I am extremely positive about it. I'm not always unsuccessful.
I have sought out a part time job near to my mother's present care home. When I was going to go for the job interview, my mother actually gave me some advice which was helpful, ( " Go and find something you really love doing, and go and do it. Tell them how passionate you are about the job, at the interview") So I did, and I start the job next week.
I still often feel guilty and depressed, but I think (pray) this activity will help me to retain my own health and ability to help my mother. The isolation of joblessness is a really daunting, soulless place to be and I need to protect some part of my life and health away from the focus on my mother, both for my sake and hers. At least that is what I am telling myself. Please wish me luck. Kind regards to everyone who has managed to read this through to the end!, Deborah
I have been unable to work since March because my mother's care needs, despite being in formal 'care settings' such as the hotel/home, hospital, EMI wing and nursing home always seem to me to be quite poorly addressed. So, as an early-retiree with time on my hands, I have spent my energies trying to get her the best possible care in whatever setting she has found herself and working with carers informally to care for my mother, feeding, washing, toiletting, dressing her, taking her out into the grounds, and giving her as much of my time as I could manage. I have also tried to act as her advocate beacuse I have experience, in a former life, of providing advocacy.
Increasingly, as she has grown frailer, I have felt that Guilt Monster climb aboard more heavily, because I simply have very little faith in care homes. I see things, practices that I think are often mediocre if not downright poor. I would love to scoop my mother up and bring her back to my home, but I know that I wouldn't be able to manage and that has frequently reduced me to howling desperation. I wish that there was just one home in which I had total confidence, but I haven't seen one yet, and I have visited a good number this year.
My mother's final years are not going to be that sunny decline that I had always imagined but I am going to try and make sure that they are as comfortable as they possibly can be. However much I dislike care homes I do not think I could cope with my mother either. In fact I am certain of it. So I have tried to raise my concerns about her care in as constructive a way as possible and when I feel that care is good, I am extremely positive about it. I'm not always unsuccessful.
I have sought out a part time job near to my mother's present care home. When I was going to go for the job interview, my mother actually gave me some advice which was helpful, ( " Go and find something you really love doing, and go and do it. Tell them how passionate you are about the job, at the interview") So I did, and I start the job next week.
I still often feel guilty and depressed, but I think (pray) this activity will help me to retain my own health and ability to help my mother. The isolation of joblessness is a really daunting, soulless place to be and I need to protect some part of my life and health away from the focus on my mother, both for my sake and hers. At least that is what I am telling myself. Please wish me luck. Kind regards to everyone who has managed to read this through to the end!, Deborah
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