a vist from my daughter

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by muriel67, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Wow Muriel67 and Patsy56 what amazing women and mothers and daughters you both are - and how very normal and ordinary human beings
    We all get things so wrong and so right and somewhere in between
    And TP has given you the gift of seeing each other's view of this 'thing' we all face some aspect of - and given us the privilege of sharing in this with you both.
    My parents were always ones to 'not want to bother' me with their problems and want to make life as easy for me as they could - which made it hard to help dad care for mum and so he nearly drove himself to breakdown - and then hard to intervene when dementia set in with him, because he 'knew best' and, of course, so did I (I am their daughter after all!!) so we went through frustration, denial, anger, resentment, stepping back, rushing in ....
    But we were always there for each other, however apparently distant - and I am truly humbled at the deep trust he must have in me to allow me be my flawed self and care for and support him in my stumbling way. He has endowed us both with real dignity in accepting my awkward helping hand.
    The two of you will find your own ways to support each other - give and take - the strong bond between you is so clear
    And post whenever and whatever is best for you
  2. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    #42 patsy56, Jul 16, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2015
    Just to clarify I am NOT Muriel's daughter, but I feel I was, at what she wrote, I trust this clears the confusion but I will edit my post so as not to confuse.

    edited my response
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Apologies Patsy56 - I now realise what you were doing

    And apologies Muriel67 if my misunderstanding upset you

    But my comments still apply to each of you separately

    This whirlwind we are all negotiating sure has a way of stirring things up
  4. Oxy

    Oxy Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    #44 Oxy, Jul 16, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2015
  5. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    I'm often amazed how different individuals can carry the weight of their life burdens at all, let alone manage to carry them so bravely and lovingly. I just wish (rather hopelessly) the support for them could be far better.
  6. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    #46 Saffie, Jul 16, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2015
    I'm afraid, that although I feel for you all, Muriel and your daughter and Patsy, this thread has now descended into sheer confusion which might not encourage Muriel to come back here for the support she needs.
    Patsy, despite now changing your original post, you actually wrote that you were Muriel's daughter and wrote of your mother's behaviour as if it was that of Muriel.
    That must be hurtful for Muriel as you have no way of knowing how Muriel reacts to suggestions of help. So it's a shame you did not phrase your words just a little clearer so that your intention was not open to being misunderstood.
    I sympathise with your situation which does sound equally as exhausting as that of Muriel's daughter, though I appreciate we can now only imagine it. However, I repeat that nobody should have to feel burdened by care but to feel compassion is without cost of cash, effort or time.

    Both of you Patsy and Muriel's daughter need support and both are going through your own fears and agonies. Muriel is too. I hope that you all, and everybody facing this disease from any perspective can find the help and support that they so desperately deserve. xxx
  7. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    I apologise again for any misunderstanding or hurt I have caused, it was not intended. I thought I had changed/edited my post
  8. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    You have changed it Patsy but only after a lot of people, such as me, read it and got completely the wrong end of the stick. I'm glad you have so quickly clarified your post and I can see what you were trying to convey with your original wording but I think confusion reigned and my heart goes out to Murial who must have had quite a shock reading those words......

    Murial, if you are still with us after all of that.... I also think counselling sounds like a good idea - your daughter has a huge amount to deal with and with your diagnosis and previous history of caring for your Mum so do you and you are taking all of that on board and trying to do the best for everyone - counselling will help you talk through all of your concerns and focus your thoughts on setting a good, secure future for yourself where your daughter is not tasked with a main caring role but can simply be your daughter so it will benefit you both. And things like setting up a Power of Attorney for your finances and health and well being will be good things to organise, if you haven't already.

    Do please stay with us here on TP - not 'until you have counselling' but afterwards too.
  9. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    For what it's worth, Patsy, I got the gist of your original post and if I'd had time, I would have posted after the first two mistaken posts following your post, that you were speaking metaphorically.
    Don't beat yourself up about this, you were trying to help, it just got lost in translation.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Muriel I hope you're still with us. I hope these misunderstandings don't prevent you from posting again. It might be a good idea to start a new thread when you're ready. I know you'll get lots of help and support here.
  11. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    I echo Izzy's words.
    This thread was all about supporting you and trying to understand your daughter's point of view.
    Do stay with us and when you are ready, let us know how you are are.
    I'm sure I speak for many when I say we care. xxx
  12. muriel67

    muriel67 Registered User

    Apr 10, 2014
    Hi Patsy.I just want to say I know that you meant well when you posted and didn't try to cause hurt,You do have a lot on your plate and I wish you well.My daughter wouldn't write on here but I do show her the posts.What she said yesterday was how quickly certain people on here jumped in and thought your post made their previous comments ok ,wich of course it doesn't.I have never been offered any help from anyone with my dementia ,its like trying to get blood from a stone when I go to my docs telling him the latest event and asking what can be done.Thats why I came on here to see what others do in my situation.
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s good to see you here muriel.

    Sadly there are many of us who have experienced being left out in the cold following a diagnosis.

    My husband was one of the lucky ones and had six monthly monitoring but that was in 2005 and I know cuts in the health service have affected the service provided.

    Are you getting the financial benefits due to you? Claiming benefits is a minefield but the national Dementia helpline should be able to point you in the right direction or your local Citizen`s Advice Bureau.


  14. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    #54 Saffie, Jul 17, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2015
    Patsy's post explained her reasons for the way she felt which made some some sense. However, she isn't your daughter and the reactions of her mother to her attempts to help are presumably not your's either.
    We can only respond to what we are told and I stand by every word I have written in response to all posts.
    So I think my time on this thread is done.
    I wish you well Muriel and hope you and your daughter can face this illness together once these hurdles have been overcome. God bless you. xxx
  15. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Here is another source of information for you that you might find helpful. It will tell you what there is around where you live.

    Local information - Alzheimer's Society
    Help in your local area. Use Dementia Connect, our new online services directory, to find services near you. Enter your postcode, town or city to search.
  16. Xeenies

    Xeenies Registered User

    May 19, 2014
    Thank you

    I just wanted to say thank you for explaining your situation so openly on here, my Dad might have Alzeimers and I find the postings by people already diagnosed are so helpful and will hopefully help me understand my Dad more. I hope your daughter comes around soon. I am lucky in some sense as I have no dependants so apart from work can prioritise my Dad, hope you're ok too. Take Care.


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