a vist from my daughter

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,439
Yorkshire
Wow Muriel67 and Patsy56 what amazing women and mothers and daughters you both are - and how very normal and ordinary human beings
We all get things so wrong and so right and somewhere in between
And TP has given you the gift of seeing each other's view of this 'thing' we all face some aspect of - and given us the privilege of sharing in this with you both.
My parents were always ones to 'not want to bother' me with their problems and want to make life as easy for me as they could - which made it hard to help dad care for mum and so he nearly drove himself to breakdown - and then hard to intervene when dementia set in with him, because he 'knew best' and, of course, so did I (I am their daughter after all!!) so we went through frustration, denial, anger, resentment, stepping back, rushing in ....
But we were always there for each other, however apparently distant - and I am truly humbled at the deep trust he must have in me to allow me be my flawed self and care for and support him in my stumbling way. He has endowed us both with real dignity in accepting my awkward helping hand.
The two of you will find your own ways to support each other - give and take - the strong bond between you is so clear
And post whenever and whatever is best for you
 

patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
Wow Muriel67 and Patsy56 what amazing women and mothers and daughters you both are - and how very normal and ordinary human beings

The two of you will find your own ways to support each other - give and take - the strong bond between you is so clear
And post whenever and whatever is best for you
Just to clarify I am NOT Muriel's daughter, but I feel I was, at what she wrote, I trust this clears the confusion but I will edit my post so as not to confuse.

edited my response
 
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Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,439
Yorkshire
Apologies Patsy56 - I now realise what you were doing

And apologies Muriel67 if my misunderstanding upset you

But my comments still apply to each of you separately

This whirlwind we are all negotiating sure has a way of stirring things up
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
I'm often amazed how different individuals can carry the weight of their life burdens at all, let alone manage to carry them so bravely and lovingly. I just wish (rather hopelessly) the support for them could be far better.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,505
Near Southampton
I'm afraid, that although I feel for you all, Muriel and your daughter and Patsy, this thread has now descended into sheer confusion which might not encourage Muriel to come back here for the support she needs.
Patsy, despite now changing your original post, you actually wrote that you were Muriel's daughter and wrote of your mother's behaviour as if it was that of Muriel.
That must be hurtful for Muriel as you have no way of knowing how Muriel reacts to suggestions of help. So it's a shame you did not phrase your words just a little clearer so that your intention was not open to being misunderstood.
I sympathise with your situation which does sound equally as exhausting as that of Muriel's daughter, though I appreciate we can now only imagine it. However, I repeat that nobody should have to feel burdened by care but to feel compassion is without cost of cash, effort or time.

Both of you Patsy and Muriel's daughter need support and both are going through your own fears and agonies. Muriel is too. I hope that you all, and everybody facing this disease from any perspective can find the help and support that they so desperately deserve. xxx
 
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patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
I'm afraid, that although I feel for you all, Muriel and your daughter and Patsy, this thread has now descended into sheer confusion which might not encourage Muriel to come back here for the support she needs.
Patsy, despite now changing your original post, you actually wrote that you were Muriel's daughter and wrote of your mother's behaviour as if it was that of Muriel.
That must be hurtful for Muriel as you have no way of knowing how Muriel reacts to suggestions of help. So it's a shame you did not phrase your words just a little clearer so that your intention was not open to being misunderstood.
I sympathise with your situation which does sound equally as exhausting as that of Muriel's daughter, though I appreciate we can now only imagine it. However, I repeat that nobody should have to feel burdened by care but to feel compassion is without cost of cash, effort or time.

Both of you Patsy and Muriel's daughter need support and both are going through your own fears and agonies. Muriel is too. I hope that you all, and everybody facing this disease from any perspective can find the help and support that they so desperately deserve. xxx
I apologise again for any misunderstanding or hurt I have caused, it was not intended. I thought I had changed/edited my post
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
I apologise again for any misunderstanding or hurt I have caused, it was not intended. I thought I had changed/edited my post
You have changed it Patsy but only after a lot of people, such as me, read it and got completely the wrong end of the stick. I'm glad you have so quickly clarified your post and I can see what you were trying to convey with your original wording but I think confusion reigned and my heart goes out to Murial who must have had quite a shock reading those words......

Murial, if you are still with us after all of that.... I also think counselling sounds like a good idea - your daughter has a huge amount to deal with and with your diagnosis and previous history of caring for your Mum so do you and you are taking all of that on board and trying to do the best for everyone - counselling will help you talk through all of your concerns and focus your thoughts on setting a good, secure future for yourself where your daughter is not tasked with a main caring role but can simply be your daughter so it will benefit you both. And things like setting up a Power of Attorney for your finances and health and well being will be good things to organise, if you haven't already.

Do please stay with us here on TP - not 'until you have counselling' but afterwards too.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
For what it's worth, Patsy, I got the gist of your original post and if I'd had time, I would have posted after the first two mistaken posts following your post, that you were speaking metaphorically.
Don't beat yourself up about this, you were trying to help, it just got lost in translation.



Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,382
Dundee
Muriel I hope you're still with us. I hope these misunderstandings don't prevent you from posting again. It might be a good idea to start a new thread when you're ready. I know you'll get lots of help and support here.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,505
Near Southampton
I echo Izzy's words.
This thread was all about supporting you and trying to understand your daughter's point of view.
Do stay with us and when you are ready, let us know how you are are.
I'm sure I speak for many when I say we care. xxx
 

muriel67

Registered User
Apr 10, 2014
44
I am not Muriel's daughter, I'm not but I am the daughter from hell.......let me explain.

I knew my mum was going down hill and took her to her appointments, did her washing, tried to help. I did look for a CH near me , she lives an hour away. My husband has Parkinson's and is I think going down the dementia trail.

I suggested clubs, coffee mornings, and friends suggested the Church. Answer, "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt"

She fell, sis and I got her the alarm bracelet "Not using it"

We got her the blister pack with her tablets, and we got the nurses to drop by daily.

We got a care package for her, "Why do all these people keep coming in"

I used to shout at mum, but I think it was to try and tell her, she wasn't looking after herself, yes I was confused and worried.

After finding TP I realise my feelings are the same as other daughters. I am trying to be a better person to B and to mum, here on TP has taught me I am not alone.

Please I am not saying, I am perfect, and I can see Muriel your side of the story, maybe I just wanted the elephant to go away.

Sorry for my long post, but I had to reply.

Edited as I realise some people thought I was Muriel's daughter, I am not.
Hi Patsy.I just want to say I know that you meant well when you posted and didn't try to cause hurt,You do have a lot on your plate and I wish you well.My daughter wouldn't write on here but I do show her the posts.What she said yesterday was how quickly certain people on here jumped in and thought your post made their previous comments ok ,wich of course it doesn't.I have never been offered any help from anyone with my dementia ,its like trying to get blood from a stone when I go to my docs telling him the latest event and asking what can be done.Thats why I came on here to see what others do in my situation.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,332
Kent
It`s good to see you here muriel.

Sadly there are many of us who have experienced being left out in the cold following a diagnosis.

My husband was one of the lucky ones and had six monthly monitoring but that was in 2005 and I know cuts in the health service have affected the service provided.

Are you getting the financial benefits due to you? Claiming benefits is a minefield but the national Dementia helpline should be able to point you in the right direction or your local Citizen`s Advice Bureau.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/faq.php?faq=resources#faq_resources_helpline

You can contact our helpline by calling 0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,505
Near Southampton
What she said yesterday was how quickly certain people on here jumped in and thought your post made their previous comments ok ,wich of course it doesn't.
Patsy's post explained her reasons for the way she felt which made some some sense. However, she isn't your daughter and the reactions of her mother to her attempts to help are presumably not your's either.
We can only respond to what we are told and I stand by every word I have written in response to all posts.
So I think my time on this thread is done.
I wish you well Muriel and hope you and your daughter can face this illness together once these hurdles have been overcome. God bless you. xxx
 
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jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,652
England
Here is another source of information for you that you might find helpful. It will tell you what there is around where you live.

Local information - Alzheimer's Society
www.alzheimers.org.uk/localinfo
Help in your local area. Use Dementia Connect, our new online services directory, to find services near you. Enter your postcode, town or city to search.
 

Xeenies

Registered User
May 19, 2014
77
Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you for explaining your situation so openly on here, my Dad might have Alzeimers and I find the postings by people already diagnosed are so helpful and will hopefully help me understand my Dad more. I hope your daughter comes around soon. I am lucky in some sense as I have no dependants so apart from work can prioritise my Dad, hope you're ok too. Take Care.

I have been posting on here a lot lately about my situation with my daughter.Well she came to see me on Saturday and we had a good talk.I asked her how she felt about my diagnosis and how she was feeling because she's a bit short with me lately.I wish hadn't asked.She said that it felt like she had another child when she has to explain things to me more than once and the strain was too much that's why she gets angry.She also said she feels like she wants to stay away because she cant cope with me like that.I told her I try very hard to not cause her any extra stress but it fell on deaf ears.I wear a sos bracelet because sometimes I wander the streets at night in my jamas or in the daytime and I have no idea were I am or were I have been.I took her name of the contact part so that if I am found alone and taken to hospital they wont contact her and she doesn't get disturbed.I really do try to make it easier for her but I don't know what I can do to help her cope.S he mentioned me going in a home again and coming to see me every now and then,I asked her what that meant and she said well you wont know.She just comes out with these things as if its nothing and its funny.but it isn't .I don't have any other family apart from my sister who lives half hour away but shes no support she says the docs have got it wrong and im just forgetful.if only.I asked my sister if I could put her name as a contact on my bracelet she said no because I have to get up for work in a morning.I hate dementia it makes me feel isolated and abandoned by my family who before I had the diagnosis were very supportive and close.Now I don't feel like I have got one.I know they might be frightened of the future but they want to try a day in my shoes.