oh today wasn’t a good one. He’s in hospital because he all of a sudden could get up at all at home yesterday even with 3. He’s not coming home now. The Ward he’s now on is very bad. But he had to be deemed medically fit before respite. The deterioration in the last 12 hours since he’s been on this ward has been so painful. Not friendly and no staff, falls alarms constant, bells constant. People falling. People screaming. Who do I call? The police? It feels criminal. He is delirious, he is frustrated, can’t rest, heightened repetitive behaviours, getting up although he can’t use his legs, I couldn’t get help to toilet him, he didn’t want me, he’s a private man and a strong man and I cried silent wiping the tears and sucked it up, painted on a smile and chatted calmly and reassuringly with that loved amazing man and repeated this cycle. They didn’t give him any medication, I had to fight for a 1:1 before I left. They came at midnight. He has been the most sexually inappropriate ever towards me. He has shouted at me. Sunday is not a good day to be in this ward. I begged for the manager, for a doctor, pals not open. If he falls there and hits his head... Anyway, that hospital killed my great grandma in the 1990’s with poor care. Death by misadventure. I feel so helpless. I start a new job in 3 days. The day nurse was the nastiest most uncaring, dangerous and neglectful nurse and I’ve met a lot of bad nurses in my own career. I am exhausted. I’m so lucky, we’ve had him so long, he’s a magical amazing man. He’s so lucky, he’s travelled the world, he’s done amazing things. I hope this stage is quick. How can I make this better? How can I cope? I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, it’s a privilege to be near him when he needs me. I also feel like I wish I was so far away, I wish he wasn’t magical, I wish like other members of immediate family I lived in Australia and I was too busy to be there. I hated today, I hate myself, I hate that nurse. I love him. He deserves a good death, dignity. He’s not going to get it is he. How terrifying.