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A tragedy

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by shelagh, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. shelagh

    shelagh Registered User

    Sep 28, 2009
    The 101 year old mother of a friend of mine has been cared for, for many years,by her single daughter. Yesterday, untypically, the daughter left the house leaving her mother alone. The family alerted the police who initiated a major search. This morning her body was found and no other person seems to have been involved.
    Caring for someone with dementia or any kind of long term caring is the hardest and most stressful work we can do. This tragic story highlights the vital need for the work AS does to support carers.

    For me both as an former carer but more particularly as someone who has dementia I do not want my family to suffer stress and pain because of me. In the discussio0n around assisted dying one of the reasons always given is that people with dementia should not be pressured by family wishes. It is not about that. How many of us would willingly save our family the pain of caring for us at the end of our lives when our lives will have so little meaning. This is a difficult and painful subject but we must not dodge it.
  2. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    How very sad for the family. As you say the carers role is so undervalued , and taken for granted by the powers that be in my opinion.

    I also agree about having the choice to end it as I really don't want my sons to endure what I do and will have to do for my parents.
  3. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    It is indeed a very tragic story and my sympathy to your friend, the daughter of this poor lady. You have shared your thoughts on this very difficult subjec and thank you for doing that. It will give us all chance to think of this more deeply.
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    This is so very sad. The daughter of the PWD couldn't have been young herself, a time of life where one perhaps expects to sit back and relax a bit, not save the state £1000s
    in carer/residential costs!
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    How incredibly sad. The poor woman.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point mobile app
  6. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    Very sad indeed but I am not a supporter of Euthanasia.

    Resources should be spent on people who need support, so they aren't and don't feel they're a burden.

    IMO that's how things should change.

    Where will we draw the line, otherwise?

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  7. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    I find this such a difficult moral dilemma.I find the uses of a long illness with no hope of recovery terrifying.I think I am more an advocate of not prolonging life just because it's possible.A gentle end is what I hope for.I watched my sister die of secondary cancer,she had brain surgery,radiotherapy and aggressive chemo and survived for 10 months.But for 5 months she was in hospital/hospice/nursing home.She was bedbound and lost her speech.She was 45 when she died and left 2 little girls.She was never going to get better,her 'life'was extended by a couple of months.
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    I've known a few refuse aggressive cancer treatment as it is unpleasant for the life extension and quality.

    I wonder when my mum is further along her journey what my attitude will be to ABs - we are always hearing they are overused. Maybe by the time I get there they will no longer be effective anyway.
  9. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    Not an end I would want for me either. I have no children and my brother is my only close relative. I have even elected to donate my body to medical research to save him the expense of a funeral. To be honest if I actually make it to 75 I will probably end my life before things get unbearable.
  10. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    Yes, I agree.
    I have no problem with people choosing their own path.
    Indeed, if someone I loved and supported made plain their desire to help them.
    I would.
    And, as English law stands now, I think I would be looked upon with sympathy,

    It's writ large already.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  11. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    BUT... Capacity is the hook.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  12. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    First of all, Shelagh I'm sorry to hear that your friend died alone.

    I believe in the Right to Choose life or death, however I could not support Assisted Dying as a matter of course, especially if a decision was having to be made about someone without capacity. I am a great believer in having a living will, DNR or Emergency Health Care Plan.
    My Mum spent the last few months begging to die. Given her state of mental and physical health, I would willingly have given her the pills myself. She was 87, bedbound, blind, incontinent, had mixed Dementia and was riddled with metastasized Cancer.

    What would you or I do about my relative who is 17, suffering some sort of mental illness, self harms and at times also begs to die ( and takes the pills to attempt to end it all). She faces a lifetime of spells in secure mental health facilities, counselling, medication and times of " Normality" whilst waiting for the next episode.

    This is a dilemma that many of us might face....I don't think there is ever going to be an acceptable solution to suit everyone.
  13. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    such a terribly sad story. My sympathies to everyone involved. We all understand here on TP what its like caring for someone, the highs, the lows, and as a former depression sufferer myself, I sometimes can feel myself sinking. We all need support, that poor girl must have gone through hell.

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