I want to tell you about a strange event yesterday.
When I went over to dress Mum, it was the same as always. Disposable underwear, two fresh ones, the one I put out and dated for yesterday, and another one she had found. As usual it was the hunt for yesterday's disposables before the dog eats it (he has eaten two with no ill effects thank Heaven). As per my current practice I don't talk much, just get the essentials done.
Mum commented that I looked very tired. True. I said I didn't think I had slept at all the night before (nasty me, was that an effort to make her feel guilty? Probably yes).
Next thing she starts to tell me that she is ill. That it is time to put her into care. That we cannot continue like this. She is not happy and I am not either. I need to be free. I am so busy, I have a great job lined up, and it is time for her to be cared for elsewhere.
I could not believe my ears. And I have just self-diagnosed her with ansognosia (pathological inability to accept her condition). It was just like talking to Mum. The real Mum. She was lucid and very realistic. I chose my words with great care. I said I thought it would be great for her and me if she tried various options, "sheltered housing" I called it as "home" is like a red rag to a bull. She could try out various places and see how she got on. I would have her home at weekends. I would visit every day. And she would probably like it as people are trained to look after her needs.
Our conversation continued so calmly and peacefully. I brought over breakfast. Still she continued in the same understanding vein.
I felt so grateful and loving towards her. I felt the real person, my mother. I thanked her for being so considerate, and acknowledged that I was very worried about September when I go to work. As she cannot be alone.
The wonderful feeling of harmony and intimacy continued until her afternoon snooze. It let me feel what it would be like if Mum didn't have dementia. It felt so wonderful.
[By the way, based on my previous post and my acknowlegment that my state of mind is hyper-sad and desperate, you may think I was delusional. Not so. She was like this in my husband's presence too.]
After her snooze Dementia had moved back in. Mum has gone. Just a person determined to get her own way at any cost to her, me or life in general remains. I call that her reptilian brain. Survival mode.
And I recognised that the gentle honeymoon was over. And the strange feeling I have at the pit of my stomach clicked back into place. Like a key in a lock.
What do you think that is about? It comes by coincidence as I am applying for power of attorney (her big neurological visit is on Monday) and we visited a care home the previous day.
I don't believe in coincidence. There is a message here. What is it?
Thanks for reading. Love BE
When I went over to dress Mum, it was the same as always. Disposable underwear, two fresh ones, the one I put out and dated for yesterday, and another one she had found. As usual it was the hunt for yesterday's disposables before the dog eats it (he has eaten two with no ill effects thank Heaven). As per my current practice I don't talk much, just get the essentials done.
Mum commented that I looked very tired. True. I said I didn't think I had slept at all the night before (nasty me, was that an effort to make her feel guilty? Probably yes).
Next thing she starts to tell me that she is ill. That it is time to put her into care. That we cannot continue like this. She is not happy and I am not either. I need to be free. I am so busy, I have a great job lined up, and it is time for her to be cared for elsewhere.
I could not believe my ears. And I have just self-diagnosed her with ansognosia (pathological inability to accept her condition). It was just like talking to Mum. The real Mum. She was lucid and very realistic. I chose my words with great care. I said I thought it would be great for her and me if she tried various options, "sheltered housing" I called it as "home" is like a red rag to a bull. She could try out various places and see how she got on. I would have her home at weekends. I would visit every day. And she would probably like it as people are trained to look after her needs.
Our conversation continued so calmly and peacefully. I brought over breakfast. Still she continued in the same understanding vein.
I felt so grateful and loving towards her. I felt the real person, my mother. I thanked her for being so considerate, and acknowledged that I was very worried about September when I go to work. As she cannot be alone.
The wonderful feeling of harmony and intimacy continued until her afternoon snooze. It let me feel what it would be like if Mum didn't have dementia. It felt so wonderful.
[By the way, based on my previous post and my acknowlegment that my state of mind is hyper-sad and desperate, you may think I was delusional. Not so. She was like this in my husband's presence too.]
After her snooze Dementia had moved back in. Mum has gone. Just a person determined to get her own way at any cost to her, me or life in general remains. I call that her reptilian brain. Survival mode.
And I recognised that the gentle honeymoon was over. And the strange feeling I have at the pit of my stomach clicked back into place. Like a key in a lock.
What do you think that is about? It comes by coincidence as I am applying for power of attorney (her big neurological visit is on Monday) and we visited a care home the previous day.
I don't believe in coincidence. There is a message here. What is it?
Thanks for reading. Love BE