A strange lucidity in Mum

[Big Effort]

I want to tell you about a strange event yesterday.

When I went over to dress Mum, it was the same as always. Disposable underwear, two fresh ones, the one I put out and dated for yesterday, and another one she had found. As usual it was the hunt for yesterday's disposables before the dog eats it (he has eaten two with no ill effects thank Heaven). As per my current practice I don't talk much, just get the essentials done.

Mum commented that I looked very tired. True. I said I didn't think I had slept at all the night before (nasty me, was that an effort to make her feel guilty? Probably yes).

Next thing she starts to tell me that she is ill. That it is time to put her into care. That we cannot continue like this. She is not happy and I am not either. I need to be free. I am so busy, I have a great job lined up, and it is time for her to be cared for elsewhere.

I could not believe my ears. And I have just self-diagnosed her with ansognosia (pathological inability to accept her condition). It was just like talking to Mum. The real Mum. She was lucid and very realistic. I chose my words with great care. I said I thought it would be great for her and me if she tried various options, "sheltered housing" I called it as "home" is like a red rag to a bull. She could try out various places and see how she got on. I would have her home at weekends. I would visit every day. And she would probably like it as people are trained to look after her needs.

Our conversation continued so calmly and peacefully. I brought over breakfast. Still she continued in the same understanding vein.

I felt so grateful and loving towards her. I felt the real person, my mother. I thanked her for being so considerate, and acknowledged that I was very worried about September when I go to work. As she cannot be alone.

The wonderful feeling of harmony and intimacy continued until her afternoon snooze. It let me feel what it would be like if Mum didn't have dementia. It felt so wonderful.

[By the way, based on my previous post and my acknowlegment that my state of mind is hyper-sad and desperate, you may think I was delusional. Not so. She was like this in my husband's presence too.]

After her snooze Dementia had moved back in. Mum has gone. Just a person determined to get her own way at any cost to her, me or life in general remains. I call that her reptilian brain. Survival mode.

And I recognised that the gentle honeymoon was over. And the strange feeling I have at the pit of my stomach clicked back into place. Like a key in a lock.

What do you think that is about? It comes by coincidence as I am applying for power of attorney (her big neurological visit is on Monday) and we visited a care home the previous day.

I don't believe in coincidence. There is a message here. What is it?
Thanks for reading. Love BE

 

[at wits end]

Hi BE.

Firstly you have always done a fantastic job seeing to your Mum's needs.

I think this is your Mum saying 'I get it, I accept it, I forgive you for the choices you will make'. For whatever reason she had a spell of lucidity, this was her chance to tell you she understands how hard it is for you and she is ready to accept some alternatives. She may not accept them when you present them to her but you must take comfort that she knows these choices needed to be made.

Good luck. X

 

[Cfduti]

Maybe you were just being honest? Maybe you didn't need to feel the other feelings? For her it seemed she could in the present see you? Maybe, again, all you needed to do was to glory in the moment. No analysing or over thinking it. Just stay with her in that meeting place with no demands on a thinking that will always continue the journey. Perhaps if so something along that line of simple acceptance at all times as a way of achieving inner peace that then reverberates into other times even if it's just being more able to deal with the next shock better than otherwise? I hope that made sense. I know what I'd like to say but I always find explaining things like that an effort in dredging up appropriate language and concepts in explaining something so simple yet so hard to actually do. Being mindful I mean and not continually wind up more gordian knots but continually strive to unwind in all things.
Peace. Be Happy.

 

[Butter]

It does happen. I don't know whether or not it makes it all easier or harder for everybody. It adds to the mysterious nature of the illness - and helps explain why we are all confounded.

 

[rajahh]

For a number of years Gordon and I have had an " Important Decision book"

When we have decisions to be made I try to catch Gordon when I feel he is receptive and lucid,

We have a discussion and come to an agreed decision. Gordon the writes in the book about the agreed decision and puts the date. This is inhis own handwriting.

So even if he forgets later I can actually show him the book.

Recently he started to say he did not want to go to Day Centre. I showed him the book where he agreed he would go, he said well you should have hit me with it to remind me earlier!!!

I think your mother is not able to write easily now BE so you must write it down, and write her words, alongside the date.

Then even when she " kicks" against the decisions you know that at a lucid moment she actually chose and this should give you the extra " hug" from her to enable you to carry out the deed.

We have not written every decision down, but I do not worry so much about smaller ones, and if he does not remember them, well I do, and then I do not feel guilty.

So far I have not got it in writing that he will go into a home!!!! Perhaps we are getting near to that as he is very aware that I am close to breakdown again.

Cling on to that conversation BE write it down, to remind you and to empower you

Love Jeannette