A snowballing memory in a PWD! How bad does it get?

[MorryLou]

Hi
I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this situation with their PWD.
My mother has mixed dementia, in the early- mid stages.
The history to all this is that she felt aggrieved by a neighbour a couple of years ago regarding the state of her lawn, that was it! That memory has then snowballed and took on a life of it's own in her own head!
Next, she said that the fence that we erected, because the old one had fallen down, was to keep the neighbour out and to stop her climbing over to get her. Then came the accusations of physical assault, now at least 4, the last one of which was supposed to have rendered my mother unconscious (while I was there!).
Then my mother said she had witnessed this neighbour being restrained and taken away to a secure unit to have injections! Now she is telling everyone she sees that the neighbour has been in prison.
I don't know how to handle it all. I can't agree with her that this all must have happened and I don't want to argue. With not wanting to talk about it, my mother thinks I'm siding with the neighbour!
The neighbour by the way is a lovely woman in her 70s who lives with her husband and has been very kind.
My mother is about to start Memantine in a couple of weeks. She can't take Aricept because of heart issues. Will this help? I'm becoming increasingly concerned by the situation.
Any comments appreciated!

 

[karaokePete]

My wife takes Memantine in addition to Donepezil(Aricept) and that certainly helped reduce hallucinations. She can still confabulate and is impossible to 'argue' with.

I find going back to this thread helps me to keep away from 'engaging' https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[Helly68]

Morry Lou - you have my sympathies, this is a difficult situation. Could you write to close neighbours, explaining the situation? You could also ask that they don't divulge that you have sent the message, as it would cause your mother more agitation, but that if she continues to spread these stories, they let you know? I know there is very little you can do but it might help if you had these incidents documented (if that doesn't sound too formal) in case you need a social services assessment in future.
Is it possible your mother could be distracted by other activities? My mother went through a phase of publically adjusting her clothes but could sometimes be distracted with cups of tea or other enjoyed activities.

 

[margherita]

I always tell OH "you are right", whatever he may say.
I think it is useless to try to make him reason. Once he gets convinced about something, no evidence, let alone reasoning can make him change his mind.
The most common words I utter are " you are right" and "do as you like"... and not much else. At least, I spare breath (mine) and exasperating arguments.
If I were in your shoes, I would tell the neighbour about your mum's illness, if she doesn't already know.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi
I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this situation with their PWD.
My mother has mixed dementia, in the early- mid stages.
The history to all this is that she felt aggrieved by a neighbour a couple of years ago regarding the state of her lawn, that was it! That memory has then snowballed and took on a life of it's own in her own head!
Next, she said that the fence that we erected, because the old one had fallen down, was to keep the neighbour out and to stop her climbing over to get her. Then came the accusations of physical assault, now at least 4, the last one of which was supposed to have rendered my mother unconscious (while I was there!).
Then my mother said she had witnessed this neighbour being restrained and taken away to a secure unit to have injections! Now she is telling everyone she sees that the neighbour has been in prison.
I don't know how to handle it all. I can't agree with her that this all must have happened and I don't want to argue. With not wanting to talk about it, my mother thinks I'm siding with the neighbour!
The neighbour by the way is a lovely woman in her 70s who lives with her husband and has been very kind.
My mother is about to start Memantine in a couple of weeks. She can't take Aricept because of heart issues. Will this help? I'm becoming increasingly concerned by the situation.
Any comments appreciated!

Similar issue but less of a problem. Dad thinks the family opposite are dead lazy and stay in bed all day because they don't open the downstairs blinds. I explain that all the cars have gone and they are all at work. They leave the blinds closed because it stops the dogs from barking every time someone walks by. They are a lovely family and would do anything to help anyone and I feel I have to defend them. I know I should agree with dad but I find it difficult on this one.

Yours is a bit trickier. What if you told her that this neighbour has been warned by the police and she will not dare to accost your mother again. I don't know what really but I do sympathise with you over this.

 

[canary]

It is so hard.
Mum wrote horrible letters to all her neighbours accusing them of all sorts (mostly stealing), got into huge arguments with her next door neighbours over the bins (she thought the recycling bins that had been put out were deliveries to her) and the woman across the road reported her to the police because mum was harassing her. The police were lovely BTW and realised immediately that mum had dementia.

Mum wouldnt go and see anyone and wouldnt have taken any medication because she was certain that she was being poisoned. It was only after mum went into a care home that her paranoia went away - and without any medication either. I think the stress and anxiety of trying to live "independently" at home caused the paranoia

 

[MorryLou]

Dear All
Thanks for your helpful suggestions and comments, its comforting to learn that others who have relatives with dementia have experienced this in some form. My mother has significant short term memory issues and what I find perplexing is that she is holding on to this memory and has done so for years. It is the one memory which I would love for her to let go. It is not as if she talks about it loads, to remind herself, it just keeps coming out when you least expect it and is ever more surprising!
I hope that the Memantine does something for her to reduce these persecutory beliefs. I can see her getting into all sorts of trouble if it continues. Do you think it is worth warning the police just in case? The neighbours know about the dementia. I haven't told that particular neighbour about what my mother is saying, I think she would find it too upsetting.

 

[canary]

Sometimes they do retain bits of memory or an obsession/delusion for years - and it usually is the bits you would rather that they forgot It may be that seeing these neighbours is what is triggering these delusions and reinforcing them; I think it probably was in mums case.

 

[emp]

Hi MorryLou, we experienced this with my nan. She had a fall which broke her hip and she went straight into a care home from the hospital. When that happened she started telling people my dad was a criminal record. Then it escalated to my dad had been in prison, he was a gang leader, he was on the run from the police and he had done all these terrible things. It got to the point where we had to avoid any mention of my dad because it would set her off. We think it started because we think she held dad responsible for her going in a home. Then she forgot, but she retained the negative feeling towards my dad. So why would she feel bad towards her son? Because he's done something bad. She's a lot calmer now as she's taking an anti-anxiety medication, but while she was going through it I used to say "I'll check he's ok when I get home" or "The police made a mistake and got the wrong person" because she would have never believed me if I had argued with her. Maybe you could say "That's terrible" when your mum says these things so you acknowledge her feelings and then distract her with something else. As others have said, maybe it might be worth having a chat with the neighbour too so they're in the loop. Good luck!

 

[Witzend]

This sort of thing can be so difficult.
At one point my mother had a lengthy and angry obsession with the idea that a sister had 'stolen' their mother's house, and walked off with all the proceeds of the sale. I did have a fair idea of what had triggered this - it was of course all in her own head - but any sort of logical reasoning was useless. If I'd had a signed and sealed assurance from the Lord Chancellor she still wouldn't have believed it.
If I tried any reasoning she would angrily accuse me of being 'in league with' my aunt.

At another point she became obsessed with the idea that a neighbour's son had 'stolen' her garage, when in fact she'd agreed pre dementia that he could use it, since she no,longer had a car.

In both cases I soon gave up trying to reason with her. I'd just say e.g., 'Dear me, that's awful, I had no idea, I'll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.'

This always kept her more or less happy for the moment, and since her short term memory was practically zero by then, I could repeat as necessary. Which was often!

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @MorryLou your mother sounds very similar to mine ,as she is also convinced the neighbours do all sort of awful things, mainly coming into her flat and helping themselves to her stuff. Mum lives alone and tells me of conversations she has with the neighbours when they admit to doing all these things. I try and sound sympathetic and change the subject but it does concern me as mum is trashing the poor womens' names to the other neighbours (who fortunatly appear not to believe mum) and has called the police about them twice. Mum also rewrites what happens as time goes on. The first time mum called the police she was convinced the neighbours had taken £500.00 from her flat. Shortly after mum found it and, at the family's promoting, paid most of it back into her account. I know she did, as I have POA and internet access to her account. Now mum says the neighbours did take the money and mum has the screwed up envelope to prove it. Mum can't see well enough to read a bank statement, but even if she could I'm sure she would think it was all some clever plot to gaslight her. As it is I feel gaslighted a lot of the time