Hi,
I'm sat in work feeling sad today. I have actually been grieving quite a bit lately for Mum as if I am finally unravelling from all I went through with her as we all three (Mum, Dad and I) walked together during her final years and days. Its as if we get so focussed on practicality and anger and sorting things that the emotions within us get completely knotted and in that state, become almost dormant and numb. This is how I feel about mine and now they are unknotting. I have a fabulous support but he is away at the moment so this time is quite difficult. I visited her grave yesterday (go once or twice a month as I feel the need). It is the point where she left this world and is the 'door' between our two worlds that she was taken through to be in the heavenly place with the protection of God. I love being close to her human form though. It calms me and comforts me still in times of difficulty and i'm house buying at the moment and leaving my Dad who I've lived with for the past 2.5 years. So, it'll all be very different for him too when I go. I'm only going to be 30mins away but its a wrench (for me too).
Anyhow, I just wanted to say I'm feeling sad as I think a little about this day last year when Mum was rushed into hospital following a bleed, placed on a blood transfusion and sat in a lovely ground floor ward where the doors were open so she could feel the breeze and smell the fresh air and watch cars go by and see people and all the things we just take for granted not even thinking that these are things a person in a locked care home on a first floor unit is deprived of for the most part. I know she was extremely ill but I felt happy for her knowing she was smiling at where she was. i was even happy to be seeing her in the hospital, such was the unpleasantness of the care home she had to live in. I hated the place in the final year ... hated it, resented that it became a barrier to me seeing her and hated the management for allowing it to happen. I should get this out of my system now and write to them and TELL them even though I know changes have been made since the horrendous CQC report the home received last Oct/Nov time.
I wish my friend was here so I could get a hug or something. I need a bit of TLC today and can't have it. Still, I know you reading my words here will help me as I know that you will understand all I say.
Thanks.
Authona x
I'm sat in work feeling sad today. I have actually been grieving quite a bit lately for Mum as if I am finally unravelling from all I went through with her as we all three (Mum, Dad and I) walked together during her final years and days. Its as if we get so focussed on practicality and anger and sorting things that the emotions within us get completely knotted and in that state, become almost dormant and numb. This is how I feel about mine and now they are unknotting. I have a fabulous support but he is away at the moment so this time is quite difficult. I visited her grave yesterday (go once or twice a month as I feel the need). It is the point where she left this world and is the 'door' between our two worlds that she was taken through to be in the heavenly place with the protection of God. I love being close to her human form though. It calms me and comforts me still in times of difficulty and i'm house buying at the moment and leaving my Dad who I've lived with for the past 2.5 years. So, it'll all be very different for him too when I go. I'm only going to be 30mins away but its a wrench (for me too).
Anyhow, I just wanted to say I'm feeling sad as I think a little about this day last year when Mum was rushed into hospital following a bleed, placed on a blood transfusion and sat in a lovely ground floor ward where the doors were open so she could feel the breeze and smell the fresh air and watch cars go by and see people and all the things we just take for granted not even thinking that these are things a person in a locked care home on a first floor unit is deprived of for the most part. I know she was extremely ill but I felt happy for her knowing she was smiling at where she was. i was even happy to be seeing her in the hospital, such was the unpleasantness of the care home she had to live in. I hated the place in the final year ... hated it, resented that it became a barrier to me seeing her and hated the management for allowing it to happen. I should get this out of my system now and write to them and TELL them even though I know changes have been made since the horrendous CQC report the home received last Oct/Nov time.
I wish my friend was here so I could get a hug or something. I need a bit of TLC today and can't have it. Still, I know you reading my words here will help me as I know that you will understand all I say.
Thanks.
Authona x
