Hi All
I have not been on the boards for a while and I am a bit embarrassed to be back now because I have a problem. I do "lurk" and read the posts but mostly dont feel experienced enough to really reply to many posts.
Anyway to recap, Mom 83 and diagnosed april of this year with vascular dementia with possibly AD too. She was 2 years post stroke but it still came as some suprise. She was very aggressive to my Father and started attacking him which ended up with her using a bread knife to cut his neck. Until this illness a kind, placid, lovely lady (dont know why I added that but I am sure you understand)
So to move on, she diagnosed with "capgras syndrome" alongside it which is a rare disorder where the sufferer thinks their spouse (usually) has been replaced by an identical looking imposter. Wont go into it but very distressing for all concerned. Was prescribed anti-pyschotic medicine which was at firstso effective,it felt like we had won the lottery but does wear off and she has had it increased 4 times already.
My dilemma now is this; Mom lives with Dad and I help to care everyday although I dont live there. Dad is very low and stressed now and has asked me if I have ever thought of the possibility of him dying first ( I have done but then put it out of my mind its so unthinkable) He has asked if he did will I move in and look after Mom. I would if I only had myself to think of but I am divorced parent of a 10 and 17 year old and am worrying of the impact it would have on them. I want to help Mom, please dont get me wrong. My house is too small for her or she could live here with us. The alternative is a home which is a non-starter as I could not bear to even think about it yet.
My other problem is that in my divorce settlement I have to sell my house if I dont reside here for a period of 4 months or more,and pay my ex his part I owe him on the house, so in the meantime would lose this home for us three. My parents own their home but when Mom passes away I know my Brothers will want it sold and share the money.
I suppose I have two separate problems, can I make a promise to my Dad should anything happen and then not be able to keep it or should the nursing home be looked at as I am sure many people reading this will have gone through the denial of using one but had to in the end.
My friend said I should forget about it as Dad dying first" may never happen" but I cant do that as Mom could not stay one day or night by herself now as she is so bad. He is 81 and I see him getting lower by the day, some months ago he had a new knee and contracted no less than THREE hospital bugs. Although they are allegedly clear from hs system who knows.
I hope I dont come across as selfish. My brothers will be more than happy to let me move in but then I know in all fairness will want their money and I wont have enough to buy another place.
I hope this letter makes sense, I dont think its very concise and I lie awake at nightworrying about all the jumble in my head. My Mom means the world to me and somedays seeing her is too painful to convey to anyone but at the end of the day she has one daughter and as in the care it has all fallen on one childs shoulders.
Thanks for reading
K xx
I have not been on the boards for a while and I am a bit embarrassed to be back now because I have a problem. I do "lurk" and read the posts but mostly dont feel experienced enough to really reply to many posts.
Anyway to recap, Mom 83 and diagnosed april of this year with vascular dementia with possibly AD too. She was 2 years post stroke but it still came as some suprise. She was very aggressive to my Father and started attacking him which ended up with her using a bread knife to cut his neck. Until this illness a kind, placid, lovely lady (dont know why I added that but I am sure you understand)
So to move on, she diagnosed with "capgras syndrome" alongside it which is a rare disorder where the sufferer thinks their spouse (usually) has been replaced by an identical looking imposter. Wont go into it but very distressing for all concerned. Was prescribed anti-pyschotic medicine which was at firstso effective,it felt like we had won the lottery but does wear off and she has had it increased 4 times already.
My dilemma now is this; Mom lives with Dad and I help to care everyday although I dont live there. Dad is very low and stressed now and has asked me if I have ever thought of the possibility of him dying first ( I have done but then put it out of my mind its so unthinkable) He has asked if he did will I move in and look after Mom. I would if I only had myself to think of but I am divorced parent of a 10 and 17 year old and am worrying of the impact it would have on them. I want to help Mom, please dont get me wrong. My house is too small for her or she could live here with us. The alternative is a home which is a non-starter as I could not bear to even think about it yet.
My other problem is that in my divorce settlement I have to sell my house if I dont reside here for a period of 4 months or more,and pay my ex his part I owe him on the house, so in the meantime would lose this home for us three. My parents own their home but when Mom passes away I know my Brothers will want it sold and share the money.
I suppose I have two separate problems, can I make a promise to my Dad should anything happen and then not be able to keep it or should the nursing home be looked at as I am sure many people reading this will have gone through the denial of using one but had to in the end.
My friend said I should forget about it as Dad dying first" may never happen" but I cant do that as Mom could not stay one day or night by herself now as she is so bad. He is 81 and I see him getting lower by the day, some months ago he had a new knee and contracted no less than THREE hospital bugs. Although they are allegedly clear from hs system who knows.
I hope I dont come across as selfish. My brothers will be more than happy to let me move in but then I know in all fairness will want their money and I wont have enough to buy another place.
I hope this letter makes sense, I dont think its very concise and I lie awake at nightworrying about all the jumble in my head. My Mom means the world to me and somedays seeing her is too painful to convey to anyone but at the end of the day she has one daughter and as in the care it has all fallen on one childs shoulders.
Thanks for reading
K xx
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