A preemptive strike

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
My Mum has now been in the care home for 4 weeks, understandably she is struggling to settle. So, we’ve been through acceptance, confusion and now we seem to be on angry. When I was in yesterday she was furious, was asking me ‘what’s going on’. I always just say to her that’s she’s staying there ‘for now’, however this didn’t pacify her, she can look after herself, just take her home etc. I did try to distract and divert but in the fact end said that I had to go to get my hair cut, so she wasn’t speaking to me as I left.
I’m going tomorrow and am anticipating the same line of questions, how do I deal with this when she’s so adamant? Any tips please?
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,600
Auckland...... New Zealand
With my Mum it was
“ You havent been well, your here to rest and recover”
“ You’re here until your health is better”
“ Your Dr wants you to have some nursing care to get better”

Just said these constantly and used a lot of distraction.
If things got very unpleasant, sometimes I left, waited 15 mns and came back. At times Mum had totally forgotten that I had been there and was in a better mood.
Also I think it is @canary that suggested dont take a handbag or purse in with you, as it immediately indicates a sense of visiting & leaving.

At times I have also had to just make an excuse, and say I was going to the loo and just leave without a farewell. Saying Goodbye, Cherrio , waving etc often increased Mums anxiety.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,558
Ireland
What @Linbrusco said.
It's never up to you. It's firmly "the doctors". The doctor said she needs to stay until her strength is built up. Nothing to do with you,!
And yes, if at all possible, don't bring a bag or coat in with you. That gives a non verbal cue that you're leaving. Also, if you can, time visits so that you're leaving as she's going for a meal.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,285
South coast
Yes, when I visited mum I didnt take my coat and handbag in with me - I left them in the managers office and other people leave them in the car. This meant that when I wanted to leave I didnt say goodbye and not picking up my coat anf bag meant that it wasnt obvious that I was leaving. I used to time it so that I left when a meal arrived to distract her and then I said that I needed to talk to someone, or I was going to the loo and Id be back soon.

When mum asked why she was there or when she would be going home, I used to tell her that she was convalescing. Its a word that most older people understand. In mums case it was easier as she had been in hospital, although she didnt remember that!
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,038
To add to what the others have said, you could also consider visiting less often. In the early days a visitor from the PWD's 'previous life' reminds them of home and prompts them to want to leave. It is unlikely your mother has any concept of time and she won't know if she saw you an hour ago or three days ago. That may sound unkind, but it might help her settle a bit better.
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
Thank you all, great advice!

Went earlier, she’s been moved upstairs to the dementia unit, the manager discussed this with me a couple of weeks ago but no one told me she’d been moved....grrrr!
Anyway, we sat in the dining room had coffee and chat. I made up a story about a puncture and how I’d have to go and get it fixed, when I was leaving she stood up and said ‘you can drop me home’. Thankfully one of the staff intervened and offered a coffee while I went to get my tyre fixed...I was out that door like a rabbit. I didn’t take my bag in (rarely wear a jacket). I will continue to learn as best I can.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,038
Don't say you're leaving - whether to a have a fantasy puncture fixed or anywhere else! My OH once made the mistake of making it clear we were leaving and my mother followed us to the front door and a carer had to divert her. I always say I'm going to the loo, or to see the lady in the office, my mother isn't interested in following me there!