1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Hello

    Mum is dads main carer and currently he has been stable with his actions, calm enough etc. The other night though he was up at 2am moving his furniture around in his room , he has now started removing clothes and ties from wardrobe and drawers , knocking things into his walls to hang them all up. Today he has his best clothes on, new shoes and tie.
    Not a clue why.
    Mum copes by rectifying things, keeping everything in order, I've told her just to leave him as he is, no point telling him off. She is overloading herself by trying to control everything. Not sure if I'm right or wrong in what I say.
    I'm not sure how best to handle mum , she gets tearful and stressed out , I tell her to ring me but doesn't like to bother me . Trying to find my way of dealing with dads condition and mum as his carer. Xx
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,596
    Female
    Scotland
    Moving things out of drawers and cupboards is a puzzle because it is usually far from clear what they are looking for. My daughter suggests it is for the part of brain that is missing but that is a bit fanciful.

    It is a common happening and she needs to speak to her GP about a med for reducing anxiety and agitation to calm him down.
     
  3. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Thank you Marion , I will give her a ring . I wondered yesterday whether phoning for an appt re his medication .
    He has just had new flooring and a new window put in , maybe this has set him off a bit , I don't know. Thank you for your reply. X:)
     
  4. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    204
    Kjn

    It seems that the changes at home may have unsettled him a bit, would he be able to tell you why he's doing it, or not ? It's hard for your mum, especially if she has always had everything in it's place. I think you're right that mum has to let it wash over her, but it's not easy. It sounds to me as if your mum could do with a break from caring for a few days, maybe your dad could go into respite care ? As their daughter, it's hard for you too.
     
  5. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Kjn, I think you're right that the recent new window and flooring could well have made your Dad unsettled and that can lead to some (hopefully only temporary) deterioration in behaviour. The unpacking and sorting out things is a common trait - perhaps it is something that makes the person feel 'in control', as their thoughts become more disordered there may be an increased need for order or to re-order things, like "Oh, all this mess, if I just sort this out and put things right everything will be better".

    Of course the effect in reality is quite the opposite and your poor Mum is left having to cope with all the disruption on top of normal carer duties. I don't know what sort of help your Mum is getting at the moment but it sounds like it might be time to make sure it's enough and to sort out more/as much as possible. Carers to come in and help with washing and dressing/day centre care/ a respite break or even a holiday together with 24 hour care for your Dad so Mum can just enjoy a rest but not have to leave him.

    Like most spouses she probably wants to carry on being the one to care but no one is capable of 24/7 care, it simply isn't possible and when you are responsible for someone who's needs are many and increasing the strain can be enormous, not just physically but emotionally too. It's exhausting. And I would agree with you that 'correcting' your dad isn't the right way to go - go with the flow and let it be is a far easier, and kinder route to follow and the path of least resistance will be less of a strain on your Mum - perhaps she's just trying to maintain the vestiges of how things used to be, and that's more than understandable and very hard to give up doing.

    Hope that's some help! Wishing you well.
     
  6. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Thank you for your replies, I've just spoken to mum re maybe change of his room may have set him off but again may be another step downwards. He is in his third tie of the day, always wore one for work , never worn since, oh well.
    She was happy enough, took herself of drawing and colouring in her adult colouring books (dad likes these also).
    In reply to their help, they don't have any carers , just mum , between myself and two older brothers who go and take them out occasionally or just visit.
    Dads 75 , had a stroke 10yrs ago, not long after retiring , has developed dementia over time. They go to various groups, singing for the brain, dad goes to age UK so mum gets time to herself on a Friday for 4hrs, they've started an art group for an hour or so, hence colouring in books, a dancing group starting on a Monday soon. It's great they have these places to go but there seems to be no emotional support, guidance or help of people she can ask anything.
    I'm mums emotional support , I'm laid back but pushy enough to get her to talk to me (making her laugh).
    Re respite care , the occupational health woman mentioned that when she got one handrail fitted (only allowed one apparently ) , anyway I'm rambling..respite care, I've been at mum to come here and stay , we are about 45 mins away , they'd have own room (can even have 2 beds if they want) , ensuite, big garden , etc . She is worried he will be disorientated around our house .
    I think he will be fine because ...:
    Large bungalow, bedrooms in dormers
    Gated(we work from home) can't wander far
    Live among forests for a walk if need be
    Dog..who they love (profile pic)
    We don't have kids so just me OHand dog
    OH engineer based as was dad, dad like listening to him with his tales and stories, thinks a lot of him.
    So I see no problem . I may be wrong, hope not.
    I've just been telling her about this forum , and what I asked , also what advice there is available , re dad not washing etc,she was delighted to hear there may be some help there, she hasn't used a forum before but was interested to hear about it and would like to have a look with me next time I'm there (this week). Perhaps I can get her to join.
    We feel like the blind leading the blind with this at the moment, don't know who to ask or what we are asking.
    Thank you so much for replying , gives me confidence to get involved more here having some folks to talk to.:D
    Enough ramblings:)
     
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    hi Kjn, I'm glad everything has been useful for you - as you say there are so many questions and sometimes so few answers. If your Mum and Dad haven't got any 'outside' help in place at all I would pursue that - they can go to their GP (or ask for a home visit) who can make the referral for assessment of care needs or you can apply directly for an assessment online https://www.gov.uk/apply-needs-assessment-social-services Some services aren't means tested others are.

    The AS has a helpline 0300 222 11 22 and a directory of help available in your local area - http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121 and your local authority should have a booklet of care services available in Mum & Dad's area - pick it up in the local library or SS office or it can be posted to you. From experience I would always advocate saying Yes to anything that's offered (subject to cost of course if that's applicable), you can always say No later - or better still put the service 'on hold' till you do need it but it is so much better being 'in the system' than outside and soldiering on alone. And one last tip, when you (or your Mum) are describing what help etc. might be needed for Dad always describe the worst day not the best, again in my experience at the first hint of "well I suppose we could manage..." from you, SS are very happy to sign you off as needing nothing and you don't you see them for dust!

    Good luck!
     
  8. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Hi KJN
    I wouldn't ponder over changes in the home to have caused the problem. My Dad is exactly the same, with Mum the carer.
    We had no changes in the home in recent times, and Dad is always in his wardrobe, either tidying, or packing it all up to go home, which Mum finds very upsetting, and doesn't do me much good either.
    They have just come back from a week's holiday, and no he wasn't perfect. He went looking for the car in the car park a couple of times, (they went by coach), went in the wrong direction when going to the bathroom when he had to get up in the night etc. But other than that he was better behaved than being at home.
    I don't know what everyone else's experiences are, but Dad does seem better in unfamiliar surroundings from time to time, so maybe a break with you may be good for Mum.
    In fact my Dad's best days are the days he has a Doctors appointment, or when they have visitors. Whether he tries harder to hide his illness from them, but becomes lazy brained at home or when only myself or Mum is about, is debatable.
     
  9. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Thank you for that info Essie , very helpful, I will pass that on to mum.

    Crag, that is exactly what he does , so well behaved for everyone else.
    I've just spoken to mum, he was shouting at her last night so she told him not to speak to her if he is just going to shout. He has watched non stop news all day and has been banging things into his walls again to hang things up .

    The occupation health is going to assess him on a morning after easter as he is having difficulty (or rather mum is)getting him to wash, after cutting himself with razor shaving , we gave him an electric one, which he keeps taking apart:rolleyes:
    They want dad to do things for himself but it's easier said than done. He will no doubt behave perfectly for her for assessment :confused:
     
  10. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    I'm so glad about the forthcoming assessment. If you won't be there yourself you could make a list of your concerns (such as your Dad possibly denying the extent of the problems/presenting as more able than he is) and summarise the reality of his abilities/Mum's issues and email that to the OH person/department prior to the visit. It might be difficult for your Mum to voice an alternative version of events with your Dad sitting next to her.

    I remember the electric razor thing very well from my Uncle who had AZ - he just had to 'fiddle' with everything and picked apart two electric razors rendering them lethally sharp with jagged bits sticking out but still 'working'!
     
  11. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Strange you should say about cutting himself whilst shaving. Dad was doing that the other week but seems to be ok now. I was to blame for buying him the wrong razors, yet they're the same I've been buying him for years.
    And yes, the news on TV gets a good viewing. It's either the news or Last of The Summer Wine.
    He's been doing his wardrobe again today which has upset mum again. I thought I cracked it when I called him down for dinner, whilst he was downstairs I put everything back and when he did go in again he didn't bother. On the first visit anyway. He's been back in tonight.
     
  12. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    It's ok Essie , the girl who comes just takes notes and reports back to the consultant? Whatever he is. And meds review goes from there. Mums words.."she isn't that good" :rolleyes:
    My brother has now glued the relevant bits back in so can't be taken apart, he has start taking clocks apart that need batteries to get them to work. Perhaps the engineer in him :D

    Oh crag I know how it is for you.
    My OH reads the papers when he goes with me , dad asks him re every topic an explanation even the hearing aid adverts, my OH obliges :D
    I've thought perhaps removing wardrobe from his room but then more clothes would hand on walls I guess:rolleyes:
    He used to have his (without battery) power tools in there too, I removed those:eek:
    I try and put those documentary programs on 'how they make ' type things instead of news to help me not explaining same bit of news constantly and the 'invasion' (election):)
     
  13. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Does he not recognise the power tools gone, and claim they have been pinched?
    The reason I ask is there's stuff in dad's wardrobe that are not required on a day to day basis that I'd like to store elsewhere in the house so there's not so much in there.
    A lot of the problem with him doing his wardrobe is he's putting things into boxes, so when there's something he wants it's not in his normal place. He won't let mum near his wardrobe, but if I find him looking for something I look through the wardrobe with him, or get mum to keep him occupied and go rummaging myself. :rolleyes:
    This week we've lost wallets, hats etc
     
  14. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    No , it started with (he was always a bit of a hoarder) , couldn't get car in garage so when dad couldn't drive anymore mum got a small car for her, we cleared garage (skips), he claimed we were getting rid of him but soon forgot , then the loft ( skips ) , he had a sideboard in his bedroom where he used to collect the mail then hide it, it was becoming a store area for anything, half sandwiches, banana skins (still find though under bed) , so decision made to let my OH have the sideboard in his workshop (not really:rolleyes:), he let him have that, the wardrobe of rolled up clothing he wears for an hour or so remains, power tools and things of his were there, mum didn't want to take everything off him (I thought remove confusion) , so they were moved, he still removes all his shoes , this week he removes all ties even though doesn't wear them anymore until this week, I'm not sure why he is hanging everything on the walls this week, perhaps the clothes in wardrobe are confusing him :confused:or maybe likes things on the wall, perhaps more pictures. :confused:
     
  15. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    647
    NW UK
    My husband used to have episodes of searching and going through his clothes, over and over.

    He would get cross with me when he couldn't find X but what he was looking for was his clothes from the 70's.
    (If you asked him the year, he would frequently say It's 1970 .... something, is it 76?)

    I didn't meet husband till the 80's, but I knew (from photos) what he was looking for.
    These clothes had been thrown out years ago.

    He also used to ask what I have done with the 'other pocket' that used to be on this shirt....
    Or, .... why have I changed the buttons on this shirt , they used to be different.....
    He also used to see clothes colours differently too, and I would be accused of changing them.

    I used to leave him too 'it' (hard not to supervise the total mess/ chaos in bedroom)
    and hope that it would be over in an hour or so...
    After a search.... he would always be exhausted (no wonder), and nap/ sleep for ages.
     
  16. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    I'm pleased he isn't asking for 70s clothes. Bad enough with his shoes ,ties and coats.
     
  17. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    #17 Kjn, Mar 31, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2015
    Ok , firstly aaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ok that's better.

    So dad had a home visit today, she does assessments as required or if mum wants to see her then reports back to her elderly care Dr .
    Anyway she noticed a difference in dad today, he was even aggressive with her and never has been before, noticed his constant tie changing , shoe changing, had a good talk with mum as he couldn't be bothered. She has never seen him this was so all was duly noted for referral again.
    I read on here today re infections and confusion , which she mentioned so he has Drs appt to check him out then another referral.
    The girl (Im saying girl as mum calls her girl):rolleyes: mentioned having someone go in on a morning to help dad wash dress and the like.
    Does anyone find this works?mum thinks he won't like that. I say try and see, if he doesn't like it we will find another way.

    My scream was for my sil and brow beaten brother who have been looking at a bungalow next door but one to mum n dad, my mum doesn't want that, I don't think they'll even buy it , sil has mentioned on more than one occasion about having mum and dads bungalow:rolleyes:can they not see this is winding /upsetting mum. Grrrrrrrrr.
    I'm not allowed to say anything to brother so mouth is zipped.
    We have family wedding soon, I'm not sitting with sil:D...just incase I attack her with the cake:rolleyes::D
    If you find any sense in that .
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.