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A new stage in my life...................

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Grannie G, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    You`re right @2jays Thanks.

    My friend adores her vicar and I know he thinks highly of her. They have a relationship spanning 20+ years and he has discussed church affairs with her in the past and still does.

    It`s difficult when people have known her so much longer than I have.
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,024
    Nottinghamshire
    I agree with @2jays - it does sound as if something is going on.

    No an easy thing for you to have to do though @Grannie G. But maybe the vicar has already noticed something and would welcome the chance to discuss it.
     
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,604
    West Midlands
    It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone to be a good friend. I’ve known people longer than 10 years, but it’s my “new friends” of less standing who perhaps look out for me more than my “old friends”
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Thanks @Bunpoots and @2jays. I`ll need to build up some courage.

    The vicar is away until mid June so I have time to consider how to approach him.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    My friend [ P ] and I are going to see Cats the musical in Margate today. I hope for a more peaceful afternoon than yesterday.

    It`s being brought back to me how difficult it is to agree with everything a person with possible dementia says.

    A couple of inappropriate comments were made, one about me and one about the vicar, I objected and was told to *** off.

    This was at our meditation group and unfortunately, a couple of the others thought these comments were funny. P then sees herself as the group comedian and plays to the gallery.

    Compassionate Communication. It`s time to re visit.
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,024
    Nottinghamshire
    Oh dear! I hope you have a calmer time today. Cats is a fabulous show..
     
  7. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,923
    N Ireland
    #5787 karaokePete, Jun 1, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
    I’ve just read your post about inappropriate comments. I got the same sort of treatment one night last week.

    A shock when it happens, isn't it.
     
  8. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,318
    Female
    South of the Border
    I found, when my 13 year old died, that time does not heal......at all.
    But as humans we just learn slowly to live with things we cannot change.... and that is all we can do.
     
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Tbh, @Grannie G , I would think you have a couple of options with this friend. You can, as has been suggested, talk to the Vicar. I can't believe that others have not noticed her behaviour and inappropriate comments. It may have become the elephant in the room, that everyone is afraid to mention, because nobody knows how to make it leave.

    However, if it were me, even though this friend was a support to you (and you to her) at a time in life when you needed it, I think I'd be asking myself if it was still a friendship that was working for me, or had it run its course, as friendships do sometimes. Because, honestly, do you need this kind of stress at this time of your life? Doing things on your own is sometimes a lot more peaceful than waiting for the hammer to fall!
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Thanks @LadyA. You are quite right in all you say.

    The church people are not good at dealing with elephants in rooms. They may mutter and tutter privately and indeed they do but I`m loathe to start the ball rolling.

    This lady has been a prominent church member for over 30 years, given thousands of pounds to church funds , has found it very difficult to cope with the loss of her husband and is well loved.

    I`m a visitor to church functions.

    What I have decided to do is to back off. I`ll not break the friendship completely because she keeps telling me how important it is to her but I will start to do things by myself and slowly try to ease the dependence.

    Relationships are so complicated. I hate letting people down and I`m not sure which causes the bigger stress, letting someone down or coping with their difficulties.
     
  11. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    I hear you! I'm finding a lot of stress at the moment too. I've become the classic filling in the "generation sandwich", trying to give increasing help and support to mum, who's got an insane amount of different medical clinics and appointments to be taken to, prescriptions to be ordered, collected (they take two days to get), left to chemist, collected two days later, and the constant repeated explanations to mum about things, which is definitely getting worse, although I have no doubts at all about her capacity. I don't think she has dementia, I think it's just "normal" old age/ill health/medication effects forgetfullness. And she's fully aware of it, and it really frustrates her.
    And then there's the generation below me. Dau, who is expecting her second baby later in the year, is having a horrific time. Apart from the truly horrendous all day sickness for the first four months, she has been in hospital twice recently for complications, has to go again during the week for checking out of a new complication (although she is heaps better than she was), and she's furious that they've now said she can't have a home birth, she's too high risk, which she'd set her heart on! Her health means I've been doing a LOT of babysitting the 2 1/2 year old, who is very good really, and extremely intelligent and articulate for his age. But has a will of iron, and is strong as an ox! I know it's his age, but I'm just exhausted. (and I'm sorry, @Grannie G for taking over your thread with this whinge! But you know what? I'm going to get it all out now! ) Trying to get her safely to delivery, and you know what?? She's talking blithely about "my next pregnancy"! I think she'd be nuts to risk it again.

    And. I'm just feeling completely taken for granted, and full of self pity and tears today. Because dau has arranged something for Tue week, assuming I will babysit. Which I normally would. But Tue week would be my silver wedding anniversary. Since my husband died nearly four years ago, I've made a point of going out for the day on our anniversary, and doing something nice. I've planned to just take that day for myself, and go off. And I know I will still do it, and she can rearrange her stuff. It's just so upsetting that she never even thought to ask me before arranging. I found out through someone else.

    Anyway, as I said Sylvia, sorry for taking over and whingeing! Not worth starting a new thread myself, it's just today that I'm upset. Be fine shortly, because I'm going to make some tea, and sit on my behind with a dvd (Sherlock Holmes series with the late Jeremy Brett, who, to me, was the definitive Sherlock Holmes.).
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    No apologies necessary @LadyA. I`m pleased you felt welcome to post here. My Thread is an open house. :)

    I`m so sorry your daughter forgot your wedding anniversary, especially your milestone silver wedding anniversary. I expect she will kick herself when she realises. I do hope you manage to do something special and that William will be with you in spirit.

    It`s easy to be taken for granted especially when you make yourself so available.

    Because I`ve managed to find something worthwhile to do almost every day, my son and daughter in law think I`m living a life of Riley. They have no idea how hard I`ve had to work to get this far. I would happily be reclusive [ for a while anyway ] but make myself go out. Tai Chi/Qigong and meditation are the only things I do which are really enjoyable and meaningful for me. All the rest is camouflage.

    I did however have a really lovely day today, just by chance.

    I heard there was a Great Bucket and Spade Run in Ramsgate I had no idea what it involved but thought it was a children's sports day or something similar. I took the bus and arrived to find this.

    IMG_1469.jpg

    IMG_1467.jpg IMG_1465.jpg IMG_1470.jpg IMG_1452.jpg

    It was such a lovely atmosphere. All the cars had buckets and spades attached to the fenders signifying the seaside location. There were stalls and children's rides and the weather was ideal.

    Some of the cars had their bonnets up to show off pristine engines which looked as if they had never been driven for an inch.
     
  13. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,413
    Just come on here, I am a bit haphazard at the moment. You may have mentioned it to the vicar, if not a gentle mention asking if he/she has any concerns. It sounds as if the church has recognised she needs help but may be aware how it is affecting her non church life. Perhaps she could be encouraged to write a journal to express her opinions and write her life story.
    Sometimes I have found churchgoers resist changes more than many. Just as doctors as the worst patients. It is easier to do than to be.
     
  14. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,413
    I am glad that you enjoyed your day, like you part of me is a natural hermit.
    I almost broke down on Saturday, I had had a difficult week, it was our anniversary, the family do not understand the subtilises of either being alone or half alone.
    Perhaps our children are governed by fear of us not being what they want us to be and what we were, I hate to use these words these days, but we are seen as a 'strong and stable' element in their lives.
    I know no longer can get to the meditation and Tao Chi sessions, we used to go to Oxford for talks and debates.
    So I understand that it is only activities that are meaniful soothe the pain.
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    I`m sorry to see you so awake in the early hours Alice. I hope you managed some restful sleep eventually.

    When my husband first went into residential care our son became very emotional. He found visiting us both in separate places difficult to adjust to.

    You are having a very difficult time and there seems no answer when personal illness and the responsibility of full time caring cannot be prioritised.

    I have a busy week ahead, Qigong, Meditation, a Cream Tea at my friend`s church and a keep fit Active for Life class. My granddaughter is coming for dinner on Thursday when I am making a Biryani. She will be able to tell me about her new job.

    My boiler is being serviced too. :)

    I have also decided to join the retreat group at Launde Abbey. It will be good to see old friends again.

    I must do these things while I can.

    I hope your health improves @AliceA. It`s sad I can`t wish that for your husband.
     
  16. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,179
    Female
    Chester
    I'm glad to read you've booked Laude, but sorry to read you are still struggling in total.

    As @maryjoan said I'm another that found time didn't heal, as you probably recall my first son was stillborn, and despite having my daughter 12 months later and my son another 4 years after that, there is still a lot of sharp pain underneath. We have both moved on with having the 2 children but things catch us unawares and cause tears - especially as we have friends with sons a year older.

    I hope you enjoyed cats - I recall my parents going to see it in London. My son would have enjoyed the vintage cars - especially the open engines.

    I'm sorry to hear your friend is causing you consternation, I'm another that thinks church people aren't always as supportive as you'd hope. Those of us who have experienced dementia and with hindsight can look back and see the signs often realise what is going on when others just don't believe it could be, there seems so much stigma around dementia, when with the ageing population a lot more people will get it. I have several friends who were convinced there parents didn't have dementia and were relieved when GP diagnosed depression, who now readily admit it was dementia all along.

    @LadyA - sorry to hear of your struggles, I've been firmly in the sandwich generation since mum's crisis, although I have teenagers and not grandchildren, trying to juggle everyone's needs mean I ignore myself, and my time always has to give whether it's for mum or the children when something goes wrong. I do hope you get to spend some special time on your special day.
     
  17. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    792
    Male
    Newcastle
    Instead of which you are living a life looking at Rileys (with bucket and spade attached)!

    Seriously, though, remember to put yourself first before getting too embroiled in your friend's difficulties. Stepping back but remaining friends seems like a good idea.
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Thank you. This is what I intend to do for as long as possible. I know things won`t get better so a more appropriate time will come.
     
  19. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    We got it sorted. Her meeting is postponed anyway, as she has visitors that day.
    Today is a Bank Holiday here, and I am resolutely AT HOME. There is a Fete & Family Fun Day in a field about a mile away, and I did think of walking down to that. But, honestly, I think I'd feel a bit out of place, on my own. Besides, I've enjoyed my morning cleaning my house, which has been very neglected while dealing with everyone else. Bed is changed and laundry on, bread is baked, rooms cleaned, vacumming done (which with two house cats, is a BIG job, involving all the furniture too!), and floors washed. I've just had a nice lunch of fresh bread with peanut butter, a banana and a latte. I had treated myself recently to a milk heater/frother in Aldi. Best thing ever!! I'm going to spend the afternoon catching up on strimming and weeding, I think.
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    It`s good to hear it`s sorted Lady A.

    My word! No one can say you haven`t made the most of your Bank Holiday.

    I imagine your feeling of satisfaction as you survey your clean house, your fresh bed and the smell of newly baked bread.
     
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