A lifelong friend and me

[Palerider]

That is exactly how I have approached it @Palerider, after initially going off at the deep end that is! The only plus point is the friendships from those that have been supportive (and some surprising and unexpected people) are stronger than ever.



I met with the Nationwide yesterday who mentioned in conversation they are bringing a mortgage product to market that is 0% deposit. This whole situation of carers being financially crippled is disgraceful - but nothing will be done about it.

On the positive, it sounds as though your Mum is content, which at the end of the day has always been what you have always strived for. Take care - all the best.

Morning @Pete1 -I agree some freindhips have surprised me from people I didn't expect, so thats a bonus defo

Yes, my finances have seen better days, but what to do? Mums pension was poor and things needed doing round the house as well as day to day stuff. My savings have vanished and its cost me a small fortune keeping myself and mum going over the last four years -but things have to paid and jobs need doing etc. Getting the outside of the house painted was one thing that had to be done to the tune of a few thousand pounds -but its done and one less thing to worry about as we approach sale of the property.

I wonder if Nationwide will consider me

 

[Palerider]

Today I popped in to see mum who amazingly had showered today (yes the first time she has allowed this in the new home) -things are looking up

She slept all night after tucking her in, and it seemed to help her settle -I think she misses me at night time, but there isn't much I can do about that. I took in her incontinence sheets for her bed as she refuses to wear pads so at least she will be fairly dry if she has an accident while sleeping. This turned into a comical fight as I was trying to make the bed up mum was undoing it all -it has to be done her way or no way, so I gave up in the end and plonkled the incontinence sheet on at the end -the carers stood amused at a distance (a wise move). She was on form but not in the best of moods, but so were all the other residents -clearly one of those days in the CH.

M&S tomorrow -more vests and underwear for mum and I need to order moree incontinence sheets online as two won't be enough these days

 

[Bikerbeth]

Glad you had 2 positives today with your Mum having a shower and having slept through the night.

My Mum was always remaking the bed after the Carers changed it as they ‘never did it to her liking’. Mum always wanted a top sheet under the duvet but the younger carers did not understand why. Now she is in the CH she doesn’t want a top sheet.
Happy shopping tomorrow.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Coming late to your home problems ( sometimes I skip a thread for a while) so this may have already been mentioned but if you have been living in Mum’s house as her carer and have been using your money for upkeep of the fabric of the place (for her benefit), wouldn’t that give you a reasonable claim to some money from the sale of the property to help with a deposit on somewhere for yourself? I believe if you were tenants in common and you could show that you had contributed to the upkeep then the LA couldn’t claim the change to TIC was deprivation of assets. I cannot see that if you recovered the cost of repairs etc. from the sale to enable you to get somewhere to live then, if at some point Mum’s money reaches a critical point and the LA need to step in, they cannot claim deprivation of assets.
Maybe I’m rambling?

 

[Palerider]

Coming late to your home problems ( sometimes I skip a thread for a while) so this may have already been mentioned but if you have been living in Mum’s house as her carer and have been using your money for upkeep of the fabric of the place (for her benefit), wouldn’t that give you a reasonable claim to some money from the sale of the property to help with a deposit on somewhere for yourself? I believe if you were tenants in common and you could show that you had contributed to the upkeep then the LA couldn’t claim the change to TIC was deprivation of assets. I cannot see that if you recovered the cost of repairs etc. from the sale to enable you to get somewhere to live then, if at some point Mum’s money reaches a critical point and the LA need to step in, they cannot claim deprivation of assets.
Maybe I’m rambling?

Thats a fair point and I honestly don't know the answer @Banjomansmate

 

[Palerider]

Glad you had 2 positives today with your Mum having a shower and having slept through the night.

My Mum was always remaking the bed after the Carers changed it as they ‘never did it to her liking’. Mum always wanted a top sheet under the duvet but the younger carers did not understand why. Now she is in the CH she doesn’t want a top sheet.
Happy shopping tomorrow.

Yes it was good to see some progress which in the dementia world might not last, but a good day so I left feeling ok having some idea that mum seems to be settling and getting to know the staff.

The vests etc are a mystery a bit like the tissue saga's on here -where do they go to?? I fear one day in the future a large quantity of underwear will be found bundled away is some very odd place in the CH

 

[Palerider]

Well the shopping is done but after hitting storm Ciara. I had planned to wait the storm out at home, but got so pre-occupied with getting things done I drove straight into it -one minute tootling along on a wet and windy day the next one heck of a storm, the wind was so strong it was blowing the water off the roads up into a fine spray mixed with a down pour and a couple of trees had come down but fortunatley not on the road. Blue skies and sunshine now though and some wind.

I took the new clothes in (all labelled) and mum was quite churpy she likes the full size knickers (old fashioned) and I had images of Bridget Jones in my head in M&S. She was actually quite funny and putting another jumper over the first one she had on and chuckling and saying 'shhhh' which just made me laugh, then she dissappeared into her ensuite and all went quite, I asked her what she was doing and she replied 'I'll be out in a minute'. She appeared having put toothpaste in her hair -and then denied it was there. So at some point the carers will wash her hair, mum allowing. But despite another change she was happy despite the new behaviours

 

[canary]

I fear one day in the future a large quantity of underwear will be found bundled away is some very odd place in the CH

When OH came back from respite the carers had helped him pack, so it was all dome when I got there and just had to bring him and the case home. When I unpacked I found six pairs of pants, none marked as his and all the wrong size . Im thinking that there is the wife/son/daughter of another resident saying "where on earth have all those pants gone?

 

[Cat27]

Well its been a busy week and things are moving slowly.

Mum is ok and is more lucid on the lorazepam and it seems to be helping her relax and enjoy her time rather than constantly being hyper when sundowning -she isn't too drowsy at all which is good. I just hope its used correctly and for the right reasons -I will be keeping an eye on that.

I have realised with where mum is it might be difficult to get there quickly. The other night the M62 had been closed and Warrington was at a standstill completely blocked with motorway traffic detouring -I had to give up trying to get to the CH and return home -nightmare.

I have now entered into another challenge that of being re-homed -which is a nightmare. I have come to the realisation that people like me don't matter in the system at all. I am more disillusioned than ever at the moment and don't have much positive to write about. It seems I will have to be made homeless before the local housing guys will act. After everything I have done its come to this......what was the point?

Have you applied directly to the local housing associations?
I note you’re in the North West so Riverside, Torus, Halton Housing, Johnnie Johnson, Magenta, One Vision.

 

[Dimpsy]

Catching up @Palerider and I'm very sorry to read that you've been hurt by careless comments. I have similar friends (and some family) and what really gets my goat are the patronising statements about 'how well' oh and I are doing. They have no understanding of why we do what we do for mum. I could take a day and a night to explain to them, but why bother. The last thing we want is praise - or medals, as someone recently announced, for goodness sake!
I have found that the people who use this forum are able to provide answers/a listening ear/common sense /support and comfort; say it like it is and that is because they have been there/going there.

Tucking your mum in is a lovely thing to be able to continue doing, as important for you as for her. I don't think that some people can understand that the pleasure my mum gets from me washing and drying her hair, moisturising her legs, helping her dress to feel nice etc is equally as satisfying for me. It may not be for ever, who knows what will happen next, but while I can - and you can - we will.
I wish I could pass on pearls of wisdom regarding accommodation, I'm clueless on that front.

Oh, I'm glad to see the back of last week, OH had his stent (in the end, two of the longest and widest the hospital stocked) with a "simple procedure, he'll be back within the hour" from the doc, which turned into a nearly five hour job and an overnight CCU stay. My word, 11 out of 10 for modern medical procedures and the care taken by the medics; back on the ward, obviously caring staff but standard's? what standards, what routine, what a complex problem. CCU staffed by one nurse overnight, listening to nurses volunteering for extra shifts, understaffing seems to be the underlying problem.
He's back home now, happy and thankful; we've got the AAA operation to get him through next.
Mum had a meltdown midweek, a new event for us, a stage in decline? Will search for clue's on TP, maybe it's time to start a thread of my own?
xx

 

[Palerider]

Have you applied directly to the local housing associations?
I note you’re in the North West so Riverside, Torus, Halton Housing, Johnnie Johnson, Magenta, One Vision.

Hi @Cat27 -I have been in touch with Torus as there are some new builds in the area. Waiting to see what they say

 

[Palerider]

Catching up @Palerider and I'm very sorry to read that you've been hurt by careless comments. I have similar friends (and some family) and what really gets my goat are the patronising statements about 'how well' oh and I are doing. They have no understanding of why we do what we do for mum. I could take a day and a night to explain to them, but why bother. The last thing we want is praise - or medals, as someone recently announced, for goodness sake!
I have found that the people who use this forum are able to provide answers/a listening ear/common sense /support and comfort; say it like it is and that is because they have been there/going there.

Tucking your mum in is a lovely thing to be able to continue doing, as important for you as for her. I don't think that some people can understand that the pleasure my mum gets from me washing and drying her hair, moisturising her legs, helping her dress to feel nice etc is equally as satisfying for me. It may not be for ever, who knows what will happen next, but while I can - and you can - we will.
I wish I could pass on pearls of wisdom regarding accommodation, I'm clueless on that front.

Oh, I'm glad to see the back of last week, OH had his stent (in the end, two of the longest and widest the hospital stocked) with a "simple procedure, he'll be back within the hour" from the doc, which turned into a nearly five hour job and an overnight CCU stay. My word, 11 out of 10 for modern medical procedures and the care taken by the medics; back on the ward, obviously caring staff but standard's? what standards, what routine, what a complex problem. CCU staffed by one nurse overnight, listening to nurses volunteering for extra shifts, understaffing seems to be the underlying problem.
He's back home now, happy and thankful; we've got the AAA operation to get him through next.
Mum had a meltdown midweek, a new event for us, a stage in decline? Will search for clue's on TP, maybe it's time to start a thread of my own?
xx

What annoys me about comments from others is that most of the time I let them go in one ear and out of the other, but some things unfortunately do get absorbed. I've moved on @Dimpsy -best thing to do in the circumstances, I don't know what I would do without TP at the moment -its a lifeline even if I do mutter and moan at times

Its good they managed to stent your OH, the alternative is major surgery. Yes staffing is a real issue these days, but not surprising, so many nurses have retired early or moved on to pastures new. Anyway all done now and sounds like it went well.

The triple AAA is a big one, are they stenting or going to graft? Its good the OH got his stents done pre-AAA which means the op can go ahead.

Mmm my mum has changed too, since she has started to decline in October the changes in her have been quite dramatic but all we can do is go with it -I wish there was more we could do

On to the next part of the journey hey @Dimpsy -let us know how the AAA goes -fingers crossed

 

[Palerider]

When OH came back from respite the carers had helped him pack, so it was all dome when I got there and just had to bring him and the case home. When I unpacked I found six pairs of pants, none marked as his and all the wrong size . Im thinking that there is the wife/son/daughter of another resident saying "where on earth have all those pants gone?

Hmm does the Bermuda Triangle ever swing this way? I am confounded by the way how mum looses her underwear -and I have checked the laundry

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@Palerider its like the carehome residents are members of the magic circle the way things disappear for weeks on end then ... hey presto they are back again!

 

[Dimpsy]

What annoys me about comments from others is that most of the time I let them go in one ear and out of the other, but some things unfortunately do get absorbed. I've moved on @Dimpsy -best thing to do in the circumstances, I don't know what I would do without TP at the moment -its a lifeline even if I do mutter and moan at times

Its good they managed to stent your OH, the alternative is major surgery. Yes staffing is a real issue these days, but not surprising, so many nurses have retired early or moved on to pastures new. Anyway all done now and sounds like it went well.

The triple AAA is a big one, are they stenting or going to graft? Its good the OH got his stents done pre-AAA which means the op can go ahead.

Mmm my mum has changed too, since she has started to decline in October the changes in her have been quite dramatic but all we can do is go with it -I wish there was more we could do

On to the next part of the journey hey @Dimpsy -let us know how the AAA goes -fingers crossed[/QUOTE

Hi @Palerider, it's not muttering and moaning, it's sharing those inner thought's and worries that can't be voiced in the sometimes harsh world that we live in and you know that on TP, everyone has your back.

(Two stents in 2002 following a heart attack, two last week and because he's 'young' (67), it's an AAA graft. Thank goodness OH doesn't know about TP, it will be my lifeline for a while, especially with the changes with mum.
She told me off first thing this morning and at bedtime, no shouting or screaming from her, but I'm doing my best and it hurts. I'm not very tough).

 

[Palerider]

Hmmm I know that hurt, mum didn't loose it with me very often, but when she did it was quite painful, but the hardest part was her not knowing what she was doing. Sometimes our best is to walk away for 10 mins and take some deep breaths. I don't think being 'tough' is at all helpful for anyone, but having emotional intelligence is very useful

I'm glad the OH is having the triple AAA stented, so much better than the old days of surgical grafting. Looked after a fair few of them years ago, not always a good recovery from AAA surgery. Stenting is the way to go

 

[Dimpsy]

Hmmm I know that hurt, mum didn't loose it with me very often, but when she did it was quite painful, but the hardest part was her not knowing what she was doing. Sometimes our best is to walk away for 10 mins and take some deep breaths. I don't think being 'tough' is at all helpful for anyone, but having emotional intelligence is very useful

I'm glad the OH is having the triple AAA stented, so much better than the old days of surgical grafting. Looked after a fair few of them years ago, not always a good recovery from AAA surgery. Stenting is the way to go

The AAA won't be stented, it will be a surgical graft.

 

[Palerider]

The AAA won't be stented, it will be a surgical graft.

Sorry I misread your last post, he'll be ok I am sure, it is a worry though. Let us know how things are going and hope all goes well

 

[anxious annie]

Hi Palerider
I've just caught up with your thread, having been away for a few days. Sorry to hear about your difficulties with hurtful comments, and your worry over housing. I don't have any ideas about the housing having not been in that position and not sure how it all works. I do hope you get it sorted soon.
It sounds as if your mum is settling into her new home, so that's a real positive for you.

 

[Mothers daughter]

I have spent a fortune on clothes for Mum in the past, especially knickers!!! I like to make sure she has nice clothes to wear but it is funny to see some other lady wearing her slippers after wandering into her room and then a couple of days later she has them back. No way am I confronting Sylvia - she has a habit of giving a back hander if you're not careful!!!! I have found M&Co are marvelous especially when the sales are on - some really good bargains to be had in the sort of clothes Mum likes to wear.
I just wish I knew what she does with her glasses...………….