A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Tonight mums social worker turned up with one of the carers. She's keen we get this to work otherwise mum will have to go into respite. Mum played up until the carer walked in called C, and then she instantly changed and welcomed her into the house -it was amazing ...mum just took to her like a duck to water. Mums social worker was amazed and so was I, hopefully this will succeed -double fingers crossed, legs crossed .....:eek:
     
  2. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    110
    It's good to hear that your mum is accepting the carers. Long may it continue, this will give you peace of mind when you are at work.
     
  3. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Thanks anxious annie, we shall see how the weekend goes, mums SW will review on Monday. I don't want mum to go into care just yet, we are not there yet......but it may have to be sadly if she doesn't come round to carers :(:(
     
  4. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Today the saga continues....

    This morning the carers came at 8am and mum hid from them. They know this because they could see her hiding through the window, which is comical when I think about it, but also frustrating. I purposely stayed out of the way in my bedroom to see how things went.

    I asked mum if anyone had called this morning, she suddenly looked very shifty and denied anyone knocking on the door -I knew straight away she was just playing up, being her old stubborn self (which has never changed). So having received an email explaining the events of the morning I asked mum about her hiding from them. She of course denied it, again looking very shifty.

    I have tried a number of approaches on this now inclding 'the doctor said'. Today I have explained to her after pulling my hair out that if she doesn't let these nice people help then she won't be able to stay here with me anymore and there will be nothing I can do about it and she will go into a home. Unpleasant but it seemed to register. I feel terrible but needs must.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    I do hope it registers with her and she lets the carers in tomorrow.

    Im sorry to say that I never did manage to get mum to accept carers and she did have to move into a care home.
     
  6. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    It hasn't registered...she was vile to the carers tonight. They are keen to keep on trying, but to be honest I am exhausted now, I am on the verge of giving in to the inevitable outcome and to be honest I have done everyhting emotionally and physically that I can do.

    Mums SW spoke to the GP about us, she said she was very concerned for my own health as well as mum given the recent heart problems I had due to stress. Basically she said if this doesn't work they will remove mum from her home and place her into care. I have reached the point where I virtually have nothing left to offer here, and as much as it saddens me for things to end this way I realise mums SW is trying to make a decision I can't make for myself. Can I live with it? I think yes I can having done everything in my power to keep mum going but fail.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    Eventually dementia gets to be too much for just one person.
    When that time comes is different for everyone, but eventually it will come. So dont feel guilty if your mums time has arrived now.
    I tried everything to keep mum at her home too, but after a TIA ended her up in hospital there was no other option.
    Mum was actually happy and thrived in her care home and you may find that it is the same for your mum once you get her there and she is settled. It was actually the best decision I made for Mum.
     
  8. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    395
    I'm so sorry @Palerider. I never even tried carers with mum and though I thought of trying to persuade her with similar Arguments, I knew it wouldn't work. I did, about five years ago, when I could see where things were heading but you could still have sensible conversations, talk to her seriously about options. Basically saying if you don't accept a bit of help now that you don't really want you'll find you run out of options and will end up with something you absolutely hate. She just gave me a 'mother knows best look' and I never tried again.
    As I'm finding out a mother in a care home doesn't mean you stop your caring role.
    As my dear mother in law always says 'look after you.'
     
  9. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    904
    Totally empathize. The only option is full time care. My mother-in-law had carers in but it all became too much and when she couldn't remember where her bathroom was, she needed 24/7 supervision. Your mum is going to the right place, you know that deep down
     
  10. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    110
    Sorry to hear of your troubles with mum and the carers. Hoping the SW helps you to sort things soon. Nobody wants to think of a care home, but it seems that this is what is best for many people with dementia to get the support they need, but are reluctant to accept.
     
  11. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Thanks for the kind words all

    It is difficult, mum is good with me but I have to accept that there is an over dependance on me which can't continue for much longer, she has to be able to accept help from others (carers) when she's on her own. If she doesn't then I agree with mums SW that it wouldn't be fair on me to try and cope and it wouldn't be good for mum to struggle for over twelve hours on her own, day after day -she has changed considerably over the last 6 months.

    I wish sometimes it woud be better if we hit a crisis and the decision was made there and then, I think part of this dreadful journey is the anticipation of what is to come, which feeds my anxiety more.

    This morning the carer has been and walked upstairs to mums bedroom and made her a coffee and given her tablet. A huge change from last night. Very unpredictable in how she will react. If this does work for a while I'm not sure how long it will work for, but at least its a transition and gets mum used to others helping her, which can only be helpful as she approaches placement into permanent care.
     
  12. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,222
    I really feel for you, I did wonder whether a keysafe would work? Reading this though I wonder if our wanting to care gets in the way of common sense. You need to work.
    For me it is different I am well past working age, I think if my husband was a parent and not a life partner and I needed to work I would not feel the same as I do now.
    It is the dilemma we al face when we love someone dearly whatever the relationship. Having just typed dearly it hit me with what the word is dearly means!
    All close relationships tend to mirror the others mood.We receive and give suffering when this happens. Many on here say the relationship stabilises again when someone goes into care.
    I do do think any of us are 'ready' but a crisis is not the best answer either.

    I am sure you are familiar with The Prophet by Kahlil Gribran, the words on Love, Life and relationship are so meaniful and written in a poetic way that is easy to understand. I recommend it to everyone on here. A drop of oil on our troubled waters. Xxx
     
  13. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Thanks Alice. We will go for a drive and I'll stop by Waterstones to see if they have a copy of The Prophet, it would be good to read it.

    I think your right, wanting to care can prevent us from seeing the wood for the trees. Maybe I should have tried carers earlier, maybe I shouldn't have moved back here with mum, maybe ....

    The problem is that we can only really know these things in hindsight. I think my common sense is starting to kick in, although some say common sense may be common but hard to find. I think I have done what I should and could do, and I am happy with that, but as in all walks of life, paths part, and I am now at the point of accepting it, finally.

    There is still meaning here, I look at mum fondly and she smiles back at me and sometimes laughs. But the meaning isn't the same meaning it was a year ago or even 6 months ago.

    Like everyone else on this journey the time is coming to move on to new ground. I will be sad as mum becomes increasingly distant, but sometimes all the love and goodwill in the world doesn't help with the reality.:(
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    @Palerider - I do feel that it would be a good idea to start looking at care homes to see what is available.

    Most care homes have waiting lists these days and it is much better to plan the move rather than wait for a crisis. I do understand that a crisis removes the decision away from you, but in a crisis your mum would be placed in any home that happens to have a vacancy, and it might not be one that you want.

    If you look at care homes and put her name on a couple, when her name comes to the top of the list you do not have to accept the place. If you decide that she still does not need it you can ask for her name to simply remain on the waiting list. It also means that if there is a sudden crisis your preferred home might be willing to take her as her name is on the waiting list.
     
  15. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Hi Canary

    Thanks, confirms what I have done already

    I mentioned crisis as a way of explaining my anxiety over things -I wouldn't let things get to that point. I have put her name down in three homes, one mums choice, one my choice and one by word of mouth. They all seem ok actually, and all close to where she grew up which is a good thing.
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    Well done - that is actually a huge mental step to take.
     
  17. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    Yes a huge step for me :eek:

    We are off for a drive and I'm popping into the book shop on the way round, might even buy mum a cake n coffe :)
     
  18. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,222
    I feel that you came back will help you in the longer term. Five years ago we moved just over the county border, the very border causing me so much grief now over the care issues.
    I have no regrets, it was a good move in so many ways. It has allowed time for different experiences that will hold us in good stead. Who really knows anything! We all do our best at the time. Enjoy the book.
     
  19. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    I have the book -Thanks Alice x. I will read it later when mum is in bed so I have quite time to contemplate.

    Today the carers came back at 4:30'ish and I was cooking Sunday dinner. Mum was suddenly happy to see them and welcomed them, so much she asked them into the lounge for a chat (highly priveleged). Mum asked me to go to but I said no I'm cooking the dinner go and chat to the girls, they looked and me and I whispered 'take the opportunity while I'm here to build a bridge' so they did. All I could hear from the kitchen was laughter and chat. I was pleased that finally there was a connection, but I felt entirely rendundant.....the first time I have felt like that in four years of being here. Its not a bad thing, but it felt strange to not be the main focus of mums life for half-an-hour
     
  20. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    416
    Male
    North West
    This morning a mixed response to the carer. This is the last day I am here to smooth things over, from tomorrow mums on her own for a few days and won't see me as I come home late after work and leave early again. I think its a good thing, because it will mean some consistency with the carers without me being in the way. I'm relieved that she is coming round so that she gets used to carers, hopefully it will make the move to a home easier when it comes.
     

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