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A lifelong friend and me

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
Hi @Palerider, you Mum looks very happy - shame about the glasses going walkabout again. I just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job looking after Mum, I know the past few days would have been so stressful. Look after yourself too.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Lovely hair do , mum looks happy. I’m sorry you are having trouble with your brother but you did the right thing and I’m sure 3rd place will work out just fine .
yes this is mum-hair done clean and tidy :). Not sure how long it will last as she doesn't look after her perm like she used to, but for now its enough to give her a little lift when she looks in the mirror instead of how it was before.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Totally agree with you
Anne Marie Morris MP is writing a parliamentary paper on The current Dementia care crisis
Have spoken to her about these issues, more input required from people like yourself who have vast knowledge of the system
X
Hello @DesperateofDevon , hope your on the mend after the funeral and finding a way forward with life.

I am in the process of writing to mums MP about matters as they stand, I will copy Annie Marie Morris into the letter. The situation we are all in is just rediculous and already unsustainable. I wouldn't wish dementia on my worse enemy let alone the consequences of dealing with the care aspects of it. Its just dreadful!!!!
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,938
South East
Most ladies like their hair done , makes us feel good , even if it’s short term. I can never get mine to look the same as hairdresser . Let’s see a picture of yours :D
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
275
Hi Palerider
What a lovely photo of your mum and her new "hairdo"!
Good news that you have secured a place in a new home for her and wishing your mum a smooth transition.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,287
Bedford
Loving the photo of your Mum. Smashing haircut.
All sounding good on the new care home, so to repeat what others have said I hope your Mum makes the transition well and settles quickly and the missing specs turn up quickly
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
433
Reading about your mum being given notice made me quake. I have my sister and mum in different homes and the thought of having to find an alternative at short notice makes me scared.

I hope your mum is very happy in the new home
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,592
South coast
I too hope the move goes well and your mum settles in

@Splashing About - care homes usually give notice when they feel that they can no longer meed a residents needs, it doesnt usually come out of the blue. Unless you are in complete denial you are aware of things being "off" and there are usually grumbles (on both sides) which dont seem to be resolved. Palerider hasnt been happy with this care home for a while, so Im not altogether surprised
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,675
I too hope the move goes well and your mum settles in

@Splashing About - care homes usually give notice when they feel that they can no longer meed a residents needs, it doesnt usually come out of the blue. Unless you are in complete denial you are aware of things being "off" and there are usually grumbles (on both sides) which dont seem to be resolved. Palerider hasnt been happy with this care home for a while, so Im not altogether surprised
reading your posts right the way through it brought back those memories of our own experiences; I’m so relieved that Dads passed & I don’t have these issues anymore. How sad a situation is that, that my first thought is “thank the lord I don’t have to deal with care home & it’s issues”

actually made me realise that most of my sadness is about the dreadful situations we experienced; how awful that it’s not Dad & how much I miss him.

just proves that the care system is broken beyond belief
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
433
...actually made me realise that most of my sadness is about the dreadful situations we experienced; how awful that it’s not Dad & how much I miss him.

just proves that the care system is broken beyond belief
If my mum had died when she first went to a nursing home I think my grief would have been totally clouded in anger at the care system. We are now CHC funded in a NH and no longer struggling to cope at home. She’s safe. The main issue is the distress at watching her die very very slowly. I suspect that’s true for many illnesses (but more so with dementia). I feel it’s given me a little space to reflect on life before dementia. I still hate the disease with a passion
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,675
If my mum had died when she first went to a nursing home I think my grief would have been totally clouded in anger at the care system. We are now CHC funded in a NH and no longer struggling to cope at home. She’s safe. The main issue is the distress at watching her die very very slowly. I suspect that’s true for many illnesses (but more so with dementia). I feel it’s given me a little space to reflect on life before dementia. I still hate the disease with a passion
I know I’m struggling with the care home issues, I’m angry that the system fails those it should protect & sad that Dad had to experience it. I think I need to have some resolution now, the safeguarding investigation continues & Dads SW isn’t sending on final paperwork- alarm bells are going!!

mistakes & ineptitude don’t help as I need to process & close this now for my own peace of mind.
Then focus on Aged Mothers issues.....
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
mistakes & ineptitude don’t help as I need to process & close this now for my own peace of mind.
Then focus on Aged Mothers issues.....
Hi @DesperateofDevon after all you went through you certainly need this for closure. In my opinion it was absolutely disgraceful how you and your poor Dad were treated, the arrogance of the management of the home was astounding. I sincerely hope you get resolution. All the best.
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
86
I'm not sure it is of any comfort to all of you in the UK, but the Care system in Canada is also broken. In Ontario, the options are a private pay Retirement home which is about $4000 a month if you are mostly independant and just want to have meals and medication assistance. If you can afford it there are some retirement homes which offer Memory Care wings which can be between $6000 and $8000 a month. The option for most people is Long Term Care Homes which are partially government subsidized for everyone, but everyone has to pay something. The cost of a shared room, usually 2 residents, is $1900 a month, a private room is $2700. If you have a very low income you can apply for a higher government subsidy but only if you are in a shared room. There are thousands of people on the waiting lists, some homes have 4 and 5 year waits, which continue to get longer because the government entity Local Integrated Health Network manages the lists and determines who needs the placement the most. What has happened is that the only people getting into the homes are in a 'crisis' situation because their physical or mental needs are so great that they can longer live at home or in a retirement home, or with family so they jump to the top of the queue. This is placing such a strain on the system that there is serious burn out among health care workers, and the field is no longer attracting people who want to work like dogs for not much more than minimum wage. Each Personal Service Worker is responsible for an average of 9 residents, on my Mum's floor, all but 1 resident on each team are in wheelchairs, with the majority needing at least some assistance for feeding. They are given 2 showers per week, most residents needing a lift and shower chair to accomplish this.
The result is that there is no time for the residents beyond the basic feeding, cleaning and toileting care. There are residents who sit staring at the wall from 7 am until 9 pm , moving only when it is time for meals, toileting or a shower. Once you are in a home your only contact is the resident manager in the home, you are no longer a 'customer' of the LINH, so your ability to effect change is limited to how much they decide to help you, and what resources they have available to them. I have had to fight for every safety aid, proper dressing, attention to hygiene, and care in transferring without causing massive bruises and skin tears on a weekly basis for the almost 3 years my Mum has lived there, and as a PWD she has no ability to even speak for herself so I will continue to do so.
It is a sad situation with no remedy in sight, it is only going to get worse with the aging population and the increased life spans, and rising numbers of cases of dementia. The PSWs , mostly in their 30's are saying they are already afraid of how bad it will be by the time they need long term care.
So we just soldier on and do our best to provide some comfort to my Mum by visiting everyday to try to normalize this terrible situation. The best thing I have found to help me deal with my struggles is this community of fellow carers. There is no better place than DTP to find people who understand the challenges we face, regardless of where we live,and the agencies we have to deal with and I thank you all for your posts.
 

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