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A lifelong friend and me

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
275
Hi Palerider
Sorry to hear about the difficulties in your mum's current care home and hope that you will be able to resolve a move by Friday to another home where your mum will be better looked after.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Thanks @anxious annie

Today has been full of surprises and I still haven't been able to decide. The one place I was going to accept has said they can't take mum at the moment as they have other residents already exhibiting the same behaviours as mum and it would be risky to add mum into the balance for her safety and for the other residents. So after coming close to making a decision and finding somewhere I am back to square one

The home I visited today is a possibility, but there are two others yet to consider, but funding would potentially be the blocker on one of them

In all an unproductive day, and I am tired and a little stressed, but I am hopeful. Its not the best time of year to look for nursing EMI units
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,379
Sorry today wasn't a good one @Palerider. Annoying about the home that you liked, but it does show they are aware of your mum's needs and those of the other residents. Lets home the others you are going to see come up trumps, or the place you liked with no room suddenly has space.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,287
Bedford
Sorry to hear that you have not found a suitable place. It did sound so positive the other day. Hopefully one of the other possibilities will work out. Hoping you get some good luck to help out too.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
464
I am learning so much from following this post! I'm pretty sure we will be looking at a care home for mum in a few months, certainly within a year, so I now know what kinds of things to look out for. Mum will be self funding, probably for her life time as she has some investments, a decent pension and a house to sell. So it will be up to us to find somewhere suitable and I'm going to focus on what behaviours they will not tolerate so hopefully avoid care home moves.

My siblings are not quite ready to look at care homes yet but I think we'll need respite care when my sister, who is mums paid Carer for four days a week, goes on holiday in August. So I'm going to suss out a few on my own
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Well still no sign of any other places, one of the homes that is 3rd choice is going to give the bed away today if I don't decide. I'm torn on this but at the end of the day I have also thought that mum probably wouldn't notice too much given the stage she is now at. I think I am hanging onto what she would have wanted before the dementia advanced, instead of realising that it probably isn't so important now. In terms of distance the home isn't ideal, but I have the problem of my invisibile brother who after doing nothing to help is demanding mum is closer to him and insists there must be a place available. I gave him mums SW phone number and told him if he can do better then talk to the SW and not me. He as usual has not called me back to tell me the outcome of that conversation which I am assuming didn't take place. I am going to ask him to visit this CH today and let me know, if he hasn't then he forefits any further decision making and I will make the decision on my own.

Edited: I forgot to say I have arranged to meet the manager of mums current CH, as she hasn't communicated with me I am going to communicate with her :mad:
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
I gave him mums SW phone number and told him if he can do better then talk to the SW and not me. He as usual has not called me back to tell me the outcome of that conversation which I am assuming didn't take place
Well done @Palerider! Nice attitude by the invisible rather than think about your Mum's best interest more concerned with his own convenience :mad:

Good luck with the Manager - my only advice from a similar situation with an owner of a home care company try to keep calm! You can always follow up through more formal routes after Mum has departed. All the best, its a very stressful time for you.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,287
Bedford
Well still no sign of any other places, one of the homes that is 3rd choice is going to give the bed away today if I don't decide. I'm torn on this but at the end of the day I have also thought that mum probably wouldn't notice too much given the stage she is now at. I think I am hanging onto what she would have wanted before the dementia advanced, instead of realising that it probably isn't so important now. In terms of distance the home isn't ideal, but I have the problem of my invisibile brother who after doing nothing to help is demanding mum is closer to him and insists there must be a place available. I gave him mums SW phone number and told him if he can do better then talk to the SW and not me. He as usual has not called me back to tell me the outcome of that conversation which I am assuming didn't take place. I am going to ask him to visit this CH today and let me know, if he hasn't then he forefits any further decision making and I will make the decision on my own.

Edited: I forgot to say I have arranged to meet the manager of mums current CH, as she hasn't communicated with me I am going to communicate with her :mad:
what a difficult time for you again and then invisible brother adding to the problem rather than helping with a solution. If he is asking for a home that is more accessible for him does that mean he will visit more or is it just one of those ‘power’ comments.
I guess the decision will be based on how many compromises it still involves or whether as you mention how much your Mum’s needs have changed in the meantime.
Will be thinking of you today
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Thanks everyone for the moral support -much needed

So I have made the decision to move mum to the third choice today and the room is confirmed. The manager has accepted mum on the basis of the SW's assessment. My brother after some coercing did go and see the home -which means he can't now moan about the decision, plus he realised there is nowhere else currently. A few things need to be finalised as per the contract which mums SW has to sort. But I am looking forward to setting up mums room, where she can have her own bedding, her room can be painted or decorated and basically in moderation she can have her room how she wants. Its ensuite and a decent ensuite wet room at that. There's lots of space to wander at night, so I am sure mum will be very happy spending many a sleepless night pottering and eating chocolate. Its not perfect, but mum won't really notice that much given the stage she is at.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Forgot to say currently sat in another CH where they have a resident hairdressers as mum needed her hair doing -I had hoped there night be beds here, but they are also full. Their bistro is fab and coffee good:)
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,592
South coast
Does your mum really need a permanent hairdresser and bistro now @Palerider , or is this just you liking it? ;)
I think you have made a good choice - "window dressing" is more for the relatives IMO
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,379
Coffee shop and hairdressers on site are really useful for me and my mum, but then I don't have a car to take her to such places elsewhere easily. The fact you can personalise the room and it's on-suite are far more important. I was looking at my mum's room the other day. It's very nice, but could do with some cheering up. I noticed tubs of daffodils in Marks the other day and one of mum's more poetic statements a year or two ago was 'I've lived another year and their are daffodils in Marks again.' I'll take her some next time I visit.
The home sounds fine @Palerider, and glad your brother actually went to see it. Hope she settles well.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
Hi @Palerider, if it is any solace, I had to opt for the third choice too (due to availability) but it actually worked out well in the end. I had no real complaints (the usual minor gripes) and Mum was happy, which when all is said an done that's what it is all about.

When are you planning on having your 'little chat' with the Manager of the departing home?
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,675
Thanks everyone, I could literally weep at the current situation, but that wouldn't change a thing. I am going to raise the settlement fee though, although I am wondering if mum was ever fit to sign the equity release agreement in the first place.

Today I have been searching for nursing/EMI CH's and found there are a number of terms that add to confusion when calling homes to discuss and ask for an appoitnment to view. I have found the best thing to ask for is "residential EMI" as all other terms confuse the care homes (yes I know). I think we need to seriously review the whole care home/dementia thing and have a national standard of care and care home registration i.e. if it says dementia then that means all the issues that come with it and not as many places advertise 'specialist dementia nursing/dementia care' when clearly they don't want residents with challenging behaviours. This would save my phone bill at the very least!
Totally agree with you
Anne Marie Morris MP is writing a parliamentary paper on The current Dementia care crisis
Have spoken to her about these issues, more input required from people like yourself who have vast knowledge of the system
X
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,675
Hi @Palerider I think your patience and compassion you show for your mum is amazing. And as for the jealousy, I’m only 6 months in and I find myself getting jealous at the obituaries, at the people who’ve passed away “after a short illness” and I think you lucky b*****d. my mum passed away from bowel cancer and used to say she was glad she had that and not dementia. And now I know what she means.,
It’s so hard this disease, I am numb after Dads passing & trying to cope with Mums slow steady decline down the inevitable path !
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
One happy old lady with Alzheimer's -hair done finally after weeks of asking the CH to get their mobile hairdresser. Note her specs are missing -again!

20200110_170528.jpg
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,938
South East
Lovely hair do , mum looks happy. I’m sorry you are having trouble with your brother but you did the right thing and I’m sure 3rd place will work out just fine .
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Coffee shop and hairdressers on site are really useful for me and my mum, but then I don't have a car to take her to such places elsewhere easily. The fact you can personalise the room and it's on-suite are far more important. I was looking at my mum's room the other day. It's very nice, but could do with some cheering up. I noticed tubs of daffodils in Marks the other day and one of mum's more poetic statements a year or two ago was 'I've lived another year and their are daffodils in Marks again.' I'll take her some next time I visit.
The home sounds fine @Palerider, and glad your brother actually went to see it. Hope she settles well.
Yes treat her to some daffs :). I can appreciate not having a car, when my old one broke down it was a nighmare trying to get things done wth mum in tow. The home I took mum to is a village complex and very nice, they have lots of options available dependent on type and level of care needed. I already have a new quilt and bedding, just need to label it. And the rest will come as mum moves in.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,808
North West
Hi @Palerider, if it is any solace, I had to opt for the third choice too (due to availability) but it actually worked out well in the end. I had no real complaints (the usual minor gripes) and Mum was happy, which when all is said an done that's what it is all about.

When are you planning on having your 'little chat' with the Manager of the departing home?
I am waiting for her to agree a date, but already word is out in the CH -why they are so worried I don't know?? I have refused to comment and said I will speak to their manager ;)

Hopefully mum won't be moved again after this, and I am happy with the minor stuff that goes wrong.
 

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