A lifelong friend and me

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Hi @Palerider, this may sound a trite thing to say but I think everyone has that 'have I done the right thing' as time pales the impossibility of the situation of home care - I think most of us (I include myself as culprit in chief) leave it too late with the hope we will cope somehow, when we already have plenty of evidence we can't and it is no longer safe. Try now to enjoy the time with Mum and treasure those occasional moments of clarity. I hope the home viewings go ok and you can get something more suitable for Mum. All the best.
Thanks @Pete1 -thanks for reminding me. Just to say in all of this I do make sure I enjoy my visits with mum, I don't let things get in the way of that :)
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
320
I think most of us spend a lot of time worrying if we are doing the right thing for our pwd!

I currently have these thoughts rushing through my mind most of the day and night;

Are we doing the right thing supporting mum to live independently or would she be better in a care home? If so, what type of home would be best?
Is there anything else technology wise we can use?
What will the oncology consultant tell us on Thursday? Will he offer some treatment?
How can we get mum to take the vitamin d tablets her GP has just prescribed when she refuses - let alone any new ones from the consultant?
How can we stop mum from getting angry about cars parked outside her house? Will she damage a car one day when she goes out to look at it?

And so on! As soon as one worry is resolved, it is replaced by another one!

So your anxieties are totally natural and I guess we just have to learn to live with them and try to keep them at the back of our thoughts.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Council tax sorted, I didn't l know there was a discount for carers -for once a silver lining in the dark cloud.

Just off the phone with the LA financial assessor who has been really helpful and advised me not to contact the equity release company until mums care is confirmed as long term as they could force the sale of the property. So I'm holding off until mums care switches from respite to long term. Its all very gloomy and right before Christmas :(. Better start sorting things in the house and packing things away in boxes I guess.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,431
Council tax sorted, I didn't l know there was a discount for carers -for once a silver lining in the dark cloud.

Just off the phone with the LA financial assessor who has been really helpful and advised me not to contact the equity release company until mums care is confirmed as long term as they could force the sale of the property. So I'm holding off until mums care switches from respite to long term. Its all very gloomy and right before Christmas :(. Better start sorting things in the house and packing things away in boxes I guess.
just wait a bit lovely, if Mums needs cant be met at the care home she might qualify for CHC funding. Dad was assessed & qualified for it - belatedly as it turns out!

Xx
((((((Hugs)))))))
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Well went to see mum and took her a costa coffee and a trillionaire slice. She was wearing her glasses and her shoes have been found. Her glasses still have the label on so it made finding them easier. Interesting at what can be achieved in a short space of time, though has taken two weeks to get here -phew. So I will take her out for the drive at weekend now she has shoes again

I took mums shoes off as she doesn't need them on and put them on top of her wardrobe and she is back in her nice comfy pink slippers.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,431
Well went to see mum and took her a costa coffee and a trillionaire slice. She was wearing her glasses and her shoes have been found. Her glasses still have the label on so it made finding them easier. Interesting at what can be achieved in a short space of time, though has taken two weeks to get here -phew. So I will take her out for the drive at weekend now she has shoes again

I took mums shoes off as she doesn't need them on and put them on top of her wardrobe and she is back in her nice comfy pink slippers.
It’s a shame we can’t put a finding tag on items - like you can with car keys!
X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
So pleased to hear that glasses and shoes have turned up again and that you were able to head out once again for coffee and cake.
It sounds like you had a positive day on the financial side as well.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Well things are beginning to get sorted as LPA for property and finances. I have contacted the equity release company and have to send in a copy of the LPA as I move closer to selling the property. I have transferred all of the utility bills into my name now, mum isn't coming home so its only right I now take over the bills and mums bank account is sorted.

Went to see mum today and there was an issue over her sitting in wet trousers, interestingly when I arrived the care staff made an effort to change her. I have asked that she is seen before Christmas by her GP or the community matron as her leg swelling is quite bad and I am wondering if she has a tad of heart failure and probably needs a water tablet. I took some small slices of Christmas cake and some coffee and she was fine and seemed well in her self. She's keen to go for a drive so I will take her out tomorrow and treat her to her fave cake.

I'm not bothering buying anthing special for Christmas other than a few finger buffet things for the evening as I will be on my own after visiting the CH for Christmas dinner with mum. I have however made an effort and put sparkly lights on my tiny real Christmas tree which sits in the window. Mum has a load of cards from old friends who don't yet know she has gone into care, some have contact details and some don't, but I will take them into her tomorrow.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Yesterday I took all the Christmas cards in for mum that she has received through the post, some I had opened but others mum opened and she enjoyed working through them. I took her out yesterday for a drive and some coffee and cake which she enjoyed.

I kept the visit short today but mum was fine and ok in herself, I asked her what she would like for Christmas and she replied 'blue slippers' -hmmm, anyway I managed to persuade her to have a new pair of shoes as a back-up for when her others go missing, so she chose brown. I've paid a small fortune to ensure they arrive on Christmas Eve.

This year is tight with working as well and I haven't yet got any wreaths for dads grave or the grand parents -mum and I are the only ones that ever bothered. I can see me making some when I get home late on Christmas Eve the way things are going with a few clippings of holly and some of mums flower arranging stuff in her shed.

I am if I am honest finding this weekend difficult and am not looking foward to this new way of spending Christmas. I'm missing how things used to be and had hoped I would have one last Christmas at home with mum before things changed. Whatever will be, will be I guess, onwards to Christmas dinner at the CH.....
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
As I won't have the time now to post again until after Christmas Day I just want to wish everyone the best Christmas you can have in your circumstances and hope that you find peace in your heart and soul. My Ecard can be seen by clicking the link and here is a song that mum loved at this time of year with The Kings Singers 'O Holy Night'

Merry Christmas and Peace to all xx

Ecard link: https://www.jibjab.com/view/make/beginning_to_look_like_christmas/a1ff5461-ba04-4c16-87e5-a6b3d9d85eb8

O Holy Night -by way of mum

 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
@Palerider i am glad that your Mum enjoyed opening some of her Christmas cards and that you had a successful coffee and cake. It also seems a good plan regarding the shoes.
I am not surprised that you are finding this weekend and the thought of this Christmas difficult with the enforced changes. I truly hope that you do have an enjoyable day in the CH with your Mum.
I wish you the best possible Christmas and peace in your heart and soul too for you and your Mum
Thank you for sharing the song your Mum loves
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Well the day I was dreading the most has passed. It wasn't like Christmas at all for me having woke early in an empty and quite house. I got ready and went to the care home for 12:30 and there was mum and the other residents sat at the table waiting for Christmas dinner. So as we waited I gave mum her presents. She was happy and laughing and opened all four presents which were a new nighty, trousers, five pairs of new knickers and a box of chocolates (all labelled). I also took some small bottles of wine in and topped mums glass up, 'Oh' she said, 'thats lovely'.

She didn't really remember me, but she new I was familiar in some way, though she kept on asking where I was. I was relieved to see she was ok and settled and in good cheer for the day, but also sad that this person who I know so well had become so distant. Afterwards I sat her down in the lounge and she fell into a light doze (the vino blanco kicking in) while she slept I looked at her and thought about her life as a little girl, a young women, a mother and later life to now and yes I got quite teary, and more teary when I left.

I had thought about taking her home for Christmas dinner, but I decided it wasn't the right thing to do as mum would probably want to stay at home having been triggered by familiar things.

Not the best of Christmas's in all, but I have experienced worse over the years, at least there has been some peace.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,440
Yorkshire
morning @Palerider
I did this a few times too, with dad
while she slept I looked at her and thought about her life as a little girl, a young women, a mother and later life to now and yes I got quite teary
though it also helped me to see the vigorous man he was for so much more of his life ... and maybe I am fortunate in that before we had any idea of dementia, after mum died, we talked about their lives and he said if he went tomorrow he wouldn't be regretful as he'd had a good life and enjoyed it; I didn't like how his last few years played out, but knowing how he viewed his life helped me

your mum sounds to doing well, all because of how you care for her
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,431
Oh lovely, it’s a poignant time for all. I’m sorry that you had a meal on your own but after yesterday’s debacle - swap!
if you want a laugh at life imitating a bad soap opera welcome to my life/ TP post!

I do understand how you feel - last year with Dad in CH, this year with Aged Mother at ours asking when she is going home! Dementia robs us of so much, love the fact vino blanco was enjoyed.


Be kind to yourself xx
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
I am glad to hear that you did find some peace and it was not the worst Christmas you have ever had. It does sound like your Mum enjoyed the day with her presents and the vino. I hope today has been kind to you