A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    I may have found a very good EMI unit and they have places at the moment. Just off the phone with mums SW and she is going to put it forward to her managers and put it out on the brokerage. The fees are at the higher end, so its all down to whether a fee can be negotiated between the LA and the new CH until a decision is made about mum being self funding or not.

    I'm going to view it on Saturday, so hopefully it will be a positive in terms of what I see and hear.

    Fingers crossed
     
  2. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,212
    Oh de ja vu!
    Hope you get answers soon
    Xx
     
  3. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    Well I went to see the EMI unit today, very nice and not too many bedrooms on the unit. Very spacious so mum can wander round the place. The staff were lovely and the care worker I spoke with was very different to the ones at mums current home. It is a nice place and there are lots of staff even at weekend, and the whole ethos was very different, nothing is a problem in terms of behaviour (although I still think the care workers have aggravated mum rather than mum intentionally hitting out with her stick) and I'm hoping I can get something sorted so we can move mum soon.

    I visited mum today and she was asking to come home, this is the first time she has really really asked the question, but she was fine when I said I wasn't going home but leaving to go to work. I said I would take her out tomorrow for a drive and some coffee and cake, which cheered her up. I felt terrible leaving her there today, but home isn't an option anymore.

    My invisible brother let me and mum down again today and I am getting to the point of not communicating with him anymore, I would rather shove two red hot pokers in my eyes than deal with his nonsense and constant let downs. I don't know how I kept my cool today on the phone with him when he decided not to turn up and didn't even bother to call me to tell me as I waited to view the new CH. To be honest words fail me on this part of the journey, he'll soon be in touch though when mum passes -that boy only sees pound signs and I am sick of it!!:mad:
     
  4. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    565
    Female
    High Peak
    Glad you liked the place. I do agree about your mum and the stick. It sounds like the behaviour of someone who is very frustrated so if the carers at the new place are better able to deal with dementia, it should happen less without the needs for heavy meds, etc.

    As for your dear brother - what did you expect? He probably had no intention of coming with you but said he would, trying to convince you he's interested in where your mum goes. But as you know, he has many, many important things to do in his important life :rolleyes: He will only change if/when there is a direct benefit for himself :mad: Don't let him get to you.
     
  5. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    544
    Female
    South East
    So good to hear the new unit sounds great @Palerider , hope the move can happen soon. Enjoy the coffee and cake work mum tom . I can say nowt about brother as my sibling is exactly the same , I no longer communicate as it was the same , let down constantly , never helped just waiting for inheritance and wants it now really . Such a shame and I keep trying to think how I can make it better but I can’t and have started to accept it. It’s easier to expect nothing then you can’t be let down . Take care of yourself .
     
  6. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    628
    Bedford
    Glad to hear that you have potentially found a new unit and hopefully the funding will be approved. Enjoy the coffee and cake with your Mum tomorrow
     
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    I hope we can get things sorted with the SS as this is my first choice, but I need to go and look at a couple of others that have promise as a back up. As time goes by the realty of the current CH is kicking in. They are not bad people, but they just don't know how to care for someone who isn't always lucid and quite, but small things can make a huge difference to someone with dementia and at the end of the day my concern is my mum and not so much the care workers.

    As for the invisible brother I have lost all hope of him redeeming his past behaviours, even now in mums hour of need he just can't get his act together, and frankly he has tested my patience enough over the last four years with his selfish outlook. The best way forward I think is to forget that he is there, he's used up all of his chances with me -I'm done!
     
  8. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    Yes. you right expect nothing, its easier I think to carry on without including my brother, not that he has been involved that much anyway by his own choice
     
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    Thanks -Mum will enjoy a drive out and some cake, one of the few things she still likes
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,093
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad you have somewhere that will understand your mum , with a couple of back ups.
    You are right, it can make such a difference if the staff understand dementia.

    I had a similar thing with my brother too - he didnt even come and visit his mum when she was put on palliative care.
    He did come to the funeral, though :rolleyes:
     
  11. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    365
    Male
    Hi @Palerider, I do hope you can secure a place at the unit. You are doing a fine job for your Mum. It must be very frustrating to have a sibling that provides zero support, to you or his own Mum. In reality most of the responsibility usually rests with one, but even if the other(s) can't visit regularly you expect them to provide support in other ways. More fool him. Stay strong.
     
  12. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    228
    Hi Palerider
    I hope you manage to secure a place for your mum at your first choice and that she will soon be in a home more suited to her needs.
     
  13. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    744
    Hi @Palerider. It's good you discovered quite quickly that your mum wasn't in the right place for her. I hope you get your first choice, but the fact there are a couple of back ups means she will move somewhere better suited to her soon. Are you going to move her before Christmas?
    Hope you are both enjoying the coffee and cake.
     
  14. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    So today after saying I would take mum out (and calling before hand) I couldn't because her new shoes are missing and also her coat and her spectacles. This has been ongoing for two weeks now and despite my constant asking where these items are they still have not been found. I felt frustrated and unwilling to accept the usual reasons as I have been asking for two weeks. This resulted in a search for said items. I searched the laundry myself and found mums coat (labelled) shoved on the lost shelf in the laundry at the bottom behind the door. The shoes are unique as mum is the only resident that has them, yet they have not yet been found and she can't wear her old shoes because the carers keep on forgetting to put her compression stockings on to stop her feet from swelling.....and so round and round in circles we go. The last straw was when one of the carers suggested I take mum out in her slippers to which I replied 'have you looked outside, its raining. Today however, I decided to be assertive and seem to have got the message over that these two things need to be found or I will stop being nice about it. They are lucky as I am not like some relatives who are constant moaners, but I am beginning to see why some relatives keep a vigil on some matters.

    During my visit I was sat chatting to mum and another resident B joined us, and another newer resident started to join in, resident C. At this point there were three completely disjointed conversations going on and there was me in the middle -not keeping up. In the conversation resident B said to resident C 'I don't know why I'm here, ' resident C replied 'we are in a care home because we are away with the fairies' to which she added 'well I know I am sometimes' to which I thought some of the staff aren't far behind you.
     
  15. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    544
    Female
    South East
    A carer suggested you take her out in her slippers :eek: really ?! This actually beggars belief , a slip on hard ground and a broken hip , pelvis anything !! Gosh I am so shocked and appalled :mad: how on earth did you keep your cool , that would of pushed my buttons . The coat, shoes and spectacles is just ridiculous too, one of those things yes but all three and for that long , it’s bad management . I think you are right to step it up a gear if not found , they have had ample time to find them . I’m sorry you couldn’t take Mum out today . A move def is in order if that’s the way they deal with things ,it doesn’t inspire much confidence for more serious issues . Good luck with the move and finding of items .
     
  16. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    628
    Bedford
    Well that part of the post made me smile. The other I share your frustration with especially the missing coat and shoes and the comment made about taking your Mum out in her slippers. Surely respect/dignity comes into it as well as keeping her feet dry and the points @Woohoo made
     
  17. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    744
    @Palerider I hope things are progressing on the move front. I think things going missing is a habitual problem in care homes. I flagged up via email (after a few gentle chats to staff) my concern that all mums coats and her handbag had gone AWOL. Most coats returned after a thorough search was done, but not the bag, though her freedom pass that was in it turned up. I went in yesterday and they had gone again. The floor that mum is now on has someone who 'borrows' other peoples stuff and mum tends to dump stuff in other people's rooms too. I mentioned the missing items in passing, but after Christmas I'll make more of a fuss about it.
    There were several items in mum's room that weren't hers including a pair of new purple shoes. I hope your mum's shoes turn up - she couldn't have thrown them away herself as she didn't recognise them?
     
  18. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,212
    you need to cut out those who don’t support you, otherwise it takes too much energy.
    Xx
     
  19. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    1,118
    Male
    North West
    Thanks everyone for your support

    I had a difficult day at work yesterday, as this has now caused me to worry again and raise my anxiety after finally managing to settle down for a while. I keep on thinking I have done the wrong thing, and that thought is nagging me at the back of my mind, but mum can't come home, she just wouldn't be safe when left alone and I have to keep on telling myself that.

    @Sarasa yes know items do go missing, and some things I am not too bothered about, but mum has had her new shoes on a number of times before they dissapeared, plus they are the same colour as her old shoes she wouldn't have thrown them out but may have left them in someone elses room. Its hard to get to the bottom of where they might be. The other feature here is that they all wander round each others rooms, so its obviously hard to know who has got what after a nights ensuing chaos. I was told there is a resident who collects spectacles so I'm hoping he may have picked them up and they are found. Mum has often had the wrong clothing on, that doesn't bother me (so long as they fit her and are not soiled) as I know its a nightmare trying to keep order with residents items, but things like shoes and spectacles are more important for obvious reasons.

    @Woohoo and @Bikerbeth the suggestion that mum go out in her slippers was inappropriate, and I think the look on my face before saying a word was enough for the care worker to realise it wasn't a constructive comment.

    I have however, discovered how to stop shoes and slippers going missing, and that is to place them on top of the wardrobe, mums new spare slippers are on top of the wardrobe and so far have survived :)

    Thanks @canary, @Pete1 and @DesperateofDevon I have decided not to include my brother anymore unless he contacts me and asks to be involved, but even then I will go into avoidance mode as its all too much trying to sort mum out and deal with a brother who clearly just doesn't care enough to help and I really can't rely on him to do anything unless it benefits him.

    Today will be spent arranging to visit more care homes, sorting out mums council tax, hopefully take mum out for a drive today and then work again tomorrow.
     
  20. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    365
    Male
    Hi @Palerider, this may sound a trite thing to say but I think everyone has that 'have I done the right thing' as time pales the impossibility of the situation of home care - I think most of us (I include myself as culprit in chief) leave it too late with the hope we will cope somehow, when we already have plenty of evidence we can't and it is no longer safe. Try now to enjoy the time with Mum and treasure those occasional moments of clarity. I hope the home viewings go ok and you can get something more suitable for Mum. All the best.
     

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