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A lifelong friend and me

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
579
Hi @Palerider - although I haven't posted, I have been thinking about you and your Mum, and grabbing a quick look at your thread to see how things are going.
Sorry that you are feeling a bit 'lost' at the moment - not surprising - but so pleased Mum seems to be settling in well and is relaxed and happy.
Good old Nytol - that was my friend too when my brain refused to stop churning in the wee small hours!

Be gentle now with yourself, life as you have known it for so long has been turned upside down. Small steps, and start gradually building a different life for yourself (and Mum too), safe in the knowledge that the nuts and bolts of Mum's care are now taken care of. Remember that personal care and daily management can be done by any competent person, but YOU are the only one that can give her the special love and attention of a son and trigger those special feelings and memories.
I agree with others here to not be hasty in moving house. The memories at the moment are raw and poignant, but they will become cherished. Don't make any quick decisions and take time to grow into your new circumstances.

Thinking of you both X
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Thanks everyone. I had a bad night to be fair and didn't get to sleep until past 4am.

I went to see mum and she was trying to watch the remembrance service, but not doing very well. Eventually we ended up sat away from the TV but mum could hear the commentary and said yes 'my grandad served in the first and second world wars' She was right of course, somehow she remembered that. Infact my great grandfather was awarded the imperial war medal on mums side along with her great uncle Morgan. She didn't remember her poor dad who served throughout WWII in the RAF from start to finish. But its ok, grandad hated the war even though he served, and was glad to be home when he was finally discharged from duty. She didn't remember the others in our family who went to war. Above all she still remembers running to the air raid shelter with her grandmother Lucy and sometimes not being let out until half-an-hour after just in case the Germans flew back over. A story I know well before mum had dementia, and she still recalls that even now
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
945
Your grandad sounds like my Dad,he volunteered at 18,he never wanted to talk about the war,never wore a poppy,no time for 'remembrance'But in the latter stages of dementia he definitely remembered,the nurse in charge suspected PTSD.My poor Dad .
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Your grandad sounds like my Dad,he volunteered at 18,he never wanted to talk about the war,never wore a poppy,no time for 'remembrance'But in the latter stages of dementia he definitely remembered,the nurse in charge suspected PTSD.My poor Dad .
Yes after the war grandad was very unwell with depression. Put his medals away and never took them out again -very sad
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
How lovey that your Mum & you shared those memories together. My Dad finds it easier to process either visual or oral stimulation one at a time. A radio is the perfect answer for that. I’m glad you & your lovely Mum are slowly finding your old camaraderie. Enjoy those precious times.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
How lovey that your Mum & you shared those memories together. My Dad finds it easier to process either visual or oral stimulation one at a time. A radio is the perfect answer for that. I’m glad you & your lovely Mum are slowly finding your old camaraderie. Enjoy those precious times.
Its amazing what mum does remember especially if something triggers it.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Hi @Palerider - although I haven't posted, I have been thinking about you and your Mum, and grabbing a quick look at your thread to see how things are going.
Sorry that you are feeling a bit 'lost' at the moment - not surprising - but so pleased Mum seems to be settling in well and is relaxed and happy.
Good old Nytol - that was my friend too when my brain refused to stop churning in the wee small hours!

Be gentle now with yourself, life as you have known it for so long has been turned upside down. Small steps, and start gradually building a different life for yourself (and Mum too), safe in the knowledge that the nuts and bolts of Mum's care are now taken care of. Remember that personal care and daily management can be done by any competent person, but YOU are the only one that can give her the special love and attention of a son and trigger those special feelings and memories.
I agree with others here to not be hasty in moving house. The memories at the moment are raw and poignant, but they will become cherished. Don't make any quick decisions and take time to grow into your new circumstances.

Thinking of you both X
Thanks @Toony Oony. I think its because I feel lost without mum that I feel the need to move on from here, What made the heart and soul of home was mum to be honest and now that has gone. Everyday at the moment is one of reminding myself mum isn't here. I hope that does change eventually, its quite grim being alone here not being asked to take her out anymore or a zillion questions about things she doesn't remember
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Good Morning @Palerider, I know those feelings only too well - you haven't let your Mum down, quite the reverse. I also know when people said that to me in the eye of the storm I couldn't see it or more importantly feel it. Looking back now with hindsight my main regret is that I let Mum live 'independently' for too long and caused her a lot more distress by doing that - strange though it may sound because at the time I was trying to carry out her wishes, sadly this hideous disease is no respecter of those and changes everything. I found that the adjustment took a me a little while I'm afraid, I think it was about a month or so before I had acceptance and became used to the routines of the home and got to know the staff, and appreciated seeing parts the old Mum back as the anxiety and fear departed. I hope you have a better day today.
Yes I was the same trying to carry out mums wishes and your right, there comes a point when we can't do that anymore on our own. She is definitely more relaxed than before and not as needy of me as she was which can only be a good thing, even though letting go is hard.

I've realise that when we do this we need to plan more in how we can cope with the change. I hadn't thought about the after effects too much, until its hit me.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Morning @Palerider , sorry you haven’t slept much. Agree with the others, take your time about making big decisions , I appreciate you need to make some but please don’t rush. Take some time to just take a breath and adjust , sleep might improve once you get in to your new normal routine. Wishing you a better night. Take care .
I will slow down @Woohoo. I am worse at night when there are no distractions and the silence of this place takes over, I'm not used to that after caring for mum here.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
The inability to switch off that whirring part of your brain that makes you second guess yourself will eventually fade & stop. When ... I will let you know as mine is still ticking away though a little more irregularly now.

As for moving, I’d advise don’t for the moment. Think about slowly decluttering first, & redecorating. After this process moving is a sensible option if you feel the same way. It’s early days & you need time out from pressures etc of caring,

Fresh paint & new beginnings are a good intermediate step!
Maybe I should pick a part of the house and slowly start decluttering, it will have to be done sooner or later and I won't have as much time when I return to work. Yes that whirring in my head is quite strong at the moment
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
I find a good clean and de clutter helps clear my mind , nights are always worse as there is no one around /awake to balance things . Can only imagine how quiet it is and what a huge change for you. Getting back to work might actually be good to get back in to a routine . Pleasing to hear mum has settled so far .
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Well I have been sorting out mums tablets from the pharmacy, the CH will have to take over that now. I've ordered some new slippers online, they're coming tomorrow -her feet swell and she needs some new ones now.

I went to see mum today, but I watched her from a distance as she finished her lunch and chatted. She didn't know I was there for a good 15 mins. She was fine, relaxed and purky. She eventually spotted me waived, smiled and came over and I stayed for another 45mins. I left teliing her I had to go to work and she was fine with that, wanting to know what time tea was (a new leaf there, she's eating again). As I have nowhere to go on Christmas day I have booked myself in for dinner with mum and her new family.

There are some teething problems, things do go missing. But I have had polite words and it will get sorted, especially mums specs, but on the whole she is well cared for, I can't complain really at all.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
887
Good evening @Palerider, the teething problems are quite normal in my experience, and although things did go missing they normally turned up pretty soon. I soon realized that everything needed labeling or some form of identification (I actually took pictures on my phone of things like the glasses too). It does sound as though your Mum is settling in though - that's really good to hear.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,691
South coast
Im so glad that your mum is settling in well :)

Im afraid that things going missing in dementia homes is par for the course - residents tend to have a rather fluid understanding of ownership. If you have labelled stuff it should come back again. I used to talk to the cleaners as they often found missing items.Also check everywhere in your mums room. I had a couple of near misses with mums teeth that were found wrapped in tissues in her bin! Other favourite places were inside the pillowslips and inside socks.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Well I have been sorting out mums tablets from the pharmacy, the CH will have to take over that now. I've ordered some new slippers online, they're coming tomorrow -her feet swell and she needs some new ones now.
I went to see mum today, but I watched her from a distance as she finished her lunch and chatted. She didn't know I was there for a good 15 mins. She was fine, relaxed and purky. She eventually spotted me waived, smiled and came over and I stayed for another 45mins. I left teliing her I had to go to work and she was fine with that, wanting to know what time tea was (a new leaf there, she's eating again). As I have nowhere to go on Christmas day I have booked myself in for dinner with mum and her new family.

There are some teething problems, things do go missing. But I have had polite words and it will get sorted, especially mums specs, but on the whole she is well cared for, I can't complain really at all.
Dads specs seem to have a “social life “ of their own & disappear for days on end, only to turn up again!!

x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Maybe I should pick a part of the house and slowly start decluttering, it will have to be done sooner or later and I won't have as much time when I return to work. Yes that whirring in my head is quite strong at the moment
nothing like a good declutter, bleach & loud music to get your head in a good space !

marigolds optional!
X
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Good evening @Palerider, the teething problems are quite normal in my experience, and although things did go missing they normally turned up pretty soon. I soon realized that everything needed labeling or some form of identification (I actually took pictures on my phone of things like the glasses too). It does sound as though your Mum is settling in though - that's really good to hear.
Thanks @Pete1. I've ordered some special labels for mums specs, hopefully they will arrive today. They blow dry on to the frame and are permanent.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,025
North West
Im so glad that your mum is settling in well :)

Im afraid that things going missing in dementia homes is par for the course - residents tend to have a rather fluid understanding of ownership. If you have labelled stuff it should come back again. I used to talk to the cleaners as they often found missing items.Also check everywhere in your mums room. I had a couple of near misses with mums teeth that were found wrapped in tissues in her bin! Other favourite places were inside the pillowslips and inside socks.
Apparently mum has been wandering at night and been moving her stuff around with her, so things will eventually turn up again. One of the carers was saying they do check things as they go along and try to put things back with the person they belong to, but its not always easy.