A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Thanks @Woohoo -yes it was good to chat and actually have some moral support, something I don't get from my invisible brother
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,712
    Female
    South coast
    I think this is really common.
    I remember when I was looking at care homes for mum and thinking "surely she hasnt reached this stage yet - they are all far more advanced than mum", but when the crisis came and mum moved to a care home I realised that she was actually just like most of the others.
     
  3. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Yes I agree that was my initial thought, but now I can see she is the same as the others. Hope you have a better day @canary x
     
  4. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    184
    Male
    Yes @Palerider, I went through the same, Mum wanting to go 'home' to her parents. It was the heartbreaking day that she was found (by chance) wandering down the road by the evening carer on her walking frame, so tiny and frail, shuffling along at a snails pace. I was on my way home so got round there within 5 minutes, and we spent the next half hour trying to explain that she was in her bungalow but she couldn't accept it but eventually went to bed as she was physically exhausted. That was the moment I realised that she wasn't safe and all I was doing by trying to keep her living 'independently' was making life a lot more traumatic for her. As you say it was heartbreaking just to think of your Mum all alone and in distress - what a dreadful disease dementia is.
     
  5. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Yes exactly thats been my realistion too over the last month. Its an awful disease and when I thought of mum walking those five miles trying to get home it began to dawn on me that keeping her at home was no longer the best thing to do.
     
  6. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    I went to see mum today. Took her a new pair of slippers, some pears soap and cream for her legs which the pharmacy keep on forgetting to dispense much to my annoyance.

    Having found her (on the loo with assistance) she was supposed to be making Christmas cards. The carer let me take her back to the activity and we sat down, but mum couldn't do the task. She was quite happily grouping the card decorations into tiny little piles on the table but although she was doing this she was happy and making us laugh chuckling way to herself. I stayed for half-an-hour with her and she gave me a kiss goodbye and I left.

    I am amazed at how much mum is really advanced now, and how much she had relied on me to keep her going at home. I am also relieved that she is now oblivious to knowing where she is but also she is ok with that in herself. All of what she was experiencng at home alone is gone, and although her dementia is presenting its true colours she is relaxed and happy and that in this awful world of dementia we live with I am grateful for
     
  7. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    360
    Female
    South East
    That must be a little relief to know mum is settled and happy, your visits sound good and I am so pleased that this is one less worry for you . Hope you have an ok weekend .
     
  8. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    184
    Male
    Good evening @Palerider, and that is all you can wish and hope for, it sounds like your Mum is content in herself and no longer agitated.
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    395
    Bedford
    It seems like that the last 2 days have been good for you and your Mum. Glad to hear you have connected to the outside world again. Have a lovely weekend
     
  10. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Yes I think so @Pete1 :)
     
  11. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Thanks @Bikerbeth -hope everything goes well with your mum
     
  12. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Thanks @Woohoo, its been a hard week so I am glad I can look back and know that I did the right thing, tough to do, but sometimes tough love is required.
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,712
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad your mum is happy there. She can become herself again there, freed from the crippling anxiety of trying to live "independently". My mum was like that too - she was totally paranoid when she moved into her care home and in a dreadful state, but within a short time she became relaxed and happy. I have some very fond memories of the times I visited her
     
  14. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Yes she was struggling certainly over the last month and it was more obvious than before. Its been a very quick transition over the last couple of months or so. Her character is shining through once more, something that had become lost over recent months.
     
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,667
    it’s a shock when that happens, Dad seemed to deteriorate in Spring then pick up for a while; before the next big slide down the dementia scale.
     
  16. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Having one of those nights, can't sleep and thinking about mum. I will need to move from here I think, being in this house now is daunting without mum here and I feel as if I have let her down and also feel very lost now. Try some nytol, its been a nytol week I'm afraid :(
     
  17. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    395
    Bedford
    How I too hate sleepless nights although I have been fortunate last night. From the posts I have read you have definitely not let your Mum down. You looked after her at home for as long as you could whilst she was safe. Now you have done your best to find her another safe haven. Being in the house now will be daunting as there is a ‘hole’ in it and it takes times to adjust. If you can give yourself time, please do before deciding to move. Sometimes lots of changes all at once can also be too much. However we are all different so you will ultimately know what is right for you. Sending lots of virtual hugs.
     
  18. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,667
    The inability to switch off that whirring part of your brain that makes you second guess yourself will eventually fade & stop. When ... I will let you know as mine is still ticking away though a little more irregularly now.

    As for moving, I’d advise don’t for the moment. Think about slowly decluttering first, & redecorating. After this process moving is a sensible option if you feel the same way. It’s early days & you need time out from pressures etc of caring,

    Fresh paint & new beginnings are a good intermediate step!
     
  19. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    360
    Female
    South East
    Morning @Palerider , sorry you haven’t slept much. Agree with the others, take your time about making big decisions , I appreciate you need to make some but please don’t rush. Take some time to just take a breath and adjust , sleep might improve once you get in to your new normal routine. Wishing you a better night. Take care .
     
  20. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    184
    Male
    Good Morning @Palerider, I know those feelings only too well - you haven't let your Mum down, quite the reverse. I also know when people said that to me in the eye of the storm I couldn't see it or more importantly feel it. Looking back now with hindsight my main regret is that I let Mum live 'independently' for too long and caused her a lot more distress by doing that - strange though it may sound because at the time I was trying to carry out her wishes, sadly this hideous disease is no respecter of those and changes everything. I found that the adjustment took a me a little while I'm afraid, I think it was about a month or so before I had acceptance and became used to the routines of the home and got to know the staff, and appreciated seeing parts the old Mum back as the anxiety and fear departed. I hope you have a better day today.
     

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