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A lifelong friend and me

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,630
Bedford
So glad to hear that today has gone well. Have you arranged to do something ‘nice’ for yourself before you go back to work. You deserve it.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
I'm not sure what it is I am feeling whether its guilt or grief or both. I find being in the house now difficult especially with mums things around me which serve as a constant reminder of events over the last few weeks and the move to a CH.

I spoke with the SW yesterday afternoon after I got home and mum will now be assigned a case worker and her situation reviewed re permanent placement. Mum will have her own GP so I have some confidence that disussions about mum will reflect her true best interests.

I'm quite flat at the moment, but I will have to get myself together as things will need to be tied up on funding etc
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Give yourself time @Palerider , you seem to be being hard on yourself . It is probably a mix of both as you say. You seem to have stacks of kindness in your bones , time to give yourself some of that . Take care .
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
884
Good Morning @Palerider, I think your reaction is perfectly normal - well I had similar feeings anyway (relief, sadness, guilt and another dose of guilt for feeling relieved) . The adjustment is gradual and it takes some time. What I tried to do was focus on what was best for Mum, that said I still had my low points. Take care of yourself.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,669
South coast
I think your reaction is perfectly normal too.
It will take a while for you to adjust too. Your head knows that this is the right thing to do, but it will take time for your heart to catch up.
xx
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
747
I completely agree with Canary. I also think that when you stop directly caring, although that responsibility is lessened, it then allows you to stop and think about all that has happened. Whilst that isnt universally bad, I found it the time I started to grieve - for what we had lost, for the changes to Mummy and because I couldn't look after her myself. For whatever reason the guilt and sadness overtook me at the point she actually settled in the CH. I had some CBT whcih h
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
507
Hi, Palerider
I know just what you mean about mixed feelings. My mum moved into care just over 2 weeks ago and I feel that sadness and grief for what she's lost when I look around her old home and see familiar things, but she's not there. I also feel a huge relief that now I know she's safe and well cared for, particularly as she is settling well so far. Take care and I hope you have a good day X
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
Thanks @Pete1 @Woohoo @anxious annie @Helly68 @canary @Bunpoots @Sarasa and @Bikerbeth and anyone else I've missed infact everyone to be honest who has been such great support over a difficult time

Today my old friend, work colleague and clinical lead came to see me and she stayed for a few hours and took me for lunch. It was good to start re-connecting to the outside world. She was very quick to acknowledge that she just didn't know how I have coped with mum. Emma first met my mum several years ago and then successively , and then again a few months ago as I went for an afternoon tea to celerbrate my MSc, I had to take mum with me and she couldn't believe the change in mum not just behaviour but also weight loss and change in physical stature.

We chatted and just sat and talked about life, something we never have the time to do at work. She also shared a few problems she has had with her gran and also her concerns about her aging parents, and it was refreshing to talk about things from a different viewpoint. Its amazing how such a small effort by a friend can make a change to someone like me alone dealing with this.

After Emma left I went to see mum and stayed for an hour with her. She was very different to when I left her on the first day, but she was happy and churpy and clearly 'getting on with it', no doubt tired but she wouldn't admit that not even to me. She wasn't anxious anymore, but pre-occupied with other matters whatever they are. She has made friends with some fellow residents and apparently is a star in the morning with the staff. The recpetionist loves her and said she will take her to where mums grandparents lived and were married -just up the road. Mum will love seeing that village one more time and the church.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Great ,so nice to hear you had some time with a good friend to just relax a little and chew over life . All sounds as well as could hope for at this stage . Take care .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,847
It sounds like a very good day @Palerider, and the sort of thing that you need. Glad your mum is settling in so well, that is great to hear.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
@Palerider , that sounds like a positive move after a bumpy start. Enjoy being the son again, your Mum will love having you back in her life as her child & not her carer.((((((()hugs))))))))
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
884
Good Morning @Palerider, sounds like you had a good day, and your Mum is settling in. It does seem to be very similar to my own experience, namely that the anxiety that was there suddenly lifted, which came as a great relief as I found that extremely difficult to witness and try to manage.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
747
I will never forget the first time I went to visit Mummy in her CH. I had been crying a lot but was holding it together for her. I found her in the gardens, working on a raised bed, very happy that gardening was easier with tubs rather than a whole garden.
It was such a relief to see her happy and I realised that although the move had been a massive change for all, she felt safer and happier in an environment where less was expected of her and there were comforting routines.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
Good Morning @Palerider, sounds like you had a good day, and your Mum is settling in. It does seem to be very similar to my own experience, namely that the anxiety that was there suddenly lifted, which came as a great relief as I found that extremely difficult to witness and try to manage.
Yes -that was the thing that made me realise mum couldn't be on her own here when I was at work all day and not getting back till 11ish or later at night. Her anxiety was increasing significantly as the demetia worsened. Her behaviour showed that, constantly unhappy here, wanting to go home to be with her parents all the time and packing plastic bags and asking to go 'home'. A stark change to 6 months ago when she knew this was home. I feel better knowing that the level of anxiety she must have been feeling was perhaps unbearabe on her own at times has now gone.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
I will never forget the first time I went to visit Mummy in her CH. I had been crying a lot but was holding it together for her. I found her in the gardens, working on a raised bed, very happy that gardening was easier with tubs rather than a whole garden.
It was such a relief to see her happy and I realised that although the move had been a massive change for all, she felt safer and happier in an environment where less was expected of her and there were comforting routines.
Yes I feel the same, a tough decision, but the right one in the end:)
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
@Palerider , that sounds like a positive move after a bumpy start. Enjoy being the son again, your Mum will love having you back in her life as her child & not her carer.((((((()hugs))))))))
She's more advanced than I thought. Looking at her now in the CH I see what I didn't see before. She recognises me still, but not as she did before. She is happy though pottering around and is eating well and occupied.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,011
North West
It sounds like a very good day @Palerider, and the sort of thing that you need. Glad your mum is settling in so well, that is great to hear.
Yes I needed to see an old friend who knows me, it was good. Mum is settling but she is very different now, I don't think I realised just how advanced she had become until this week.