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A lifelong friend and me

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Delilah63

Registered User
Jan 4, 2018
49
Mmm this is the problem I have with mum and her walking to places, she knows where she is going and why, but doesn't think about how far it is and perhaps waiting would be better -but of course that part of her memory (someone will be home later) and cognition no longer work properly. I couldnt argue with her reason for walking to the GP's one day as she didn't feel well and wanted to see the doctor, she said there was no one to take her so she walked there. You can see how this was infact very unwise in the way she did it even though her wanting to see the doctor was probably right. She is amazing at working out her crossstitching, I couldn't do it and I don't have dementia.

This last incident is more concerning as she wasn't as aware of the reason, and by all accounts seemed lost. I need to contact SS and am not sure whether today is a good time as she only just started her antibiotics and besides I don't want to mark my birthday with this, a memory I don't want on my birthday every year. The time has come to rock the boat and seek a review I think and to see if there is anything else that we can do so that she can stay at home, if not then I think a CH isn't so far away unfortunately. This is the second time now I have gone through this and the stress and guilt i feel just thinking about a CH is distressing, but we can't go on like this if it is becoming the norm.
Hi, I was just reading some of your post and some time has passed so I don't know where you are with things just now, but I just wanted to add a gleam of hope in case your Mum does end up needing to be in a care home. My Dad has gone in for "respite" today, no-one expects he will ever come out from there and I feel a massive, very emotionally mixed, but massive sense of relief. He went for a day visit this week and I was dreading taking him, I was so sure he would refuse to go in and become very agitated and angry but I forced myself to be breezy and relaxed and he just went in there, and for the first time in months I saw his face relax. He looked mildly confused but sort of bemused by the attention and genuinely OK with it. I haven't seen that look for so long, it was lovely, he was my Dad, the funny, cheeky easy one for a few minutes and it was lovely to see. So we arranged this respite. The home isn't up to the minute and posh in any way, but the staff are unhurried and best of all....kind, and they seemed to like my Dad, and they had found out loads about him by the time we picked him up, and he was in no hurry to leave. I'm not under any illusion that we are out of the woods yet, and I have no idea how today will go, especially tonight when he has to go to bed, but I just wanted to share a golden moment where things were in no way as bad as I thought they'd be, in fact I couldn't have asked for better, and in that endless groundhog battle that caring for someone with dementia takes you to, I wanted to share something optimistic. I hope you find your way through this soon, look after yourself...you're doing an amazing thing. x
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Hi, I was just reading some of your post and some time has passed so I don't know where you are with things just now, but I just wanted to add a gleam of hope in case your Mum does end up needing to be in a care home. My Dad has gone in for "respite" today, no-one expects he will ever come out from there and I feel a massive, very emotionally mixed, but massive sense of relief. He went for a day visit this week and I was dreading taking him, I was so sure he would refuse to go in and become very agitated and angry but I forced myself to be breezy and relaxed and he just went in there, and for the first time in months I saw his face relax. He looked mildly confused but sort of bemused by the attention and genuinely OK with it. I haven't seen that look for so long, it was lovely, he was my Dad, the funny, cheeky easy one for a few minutes and it was lovely to see. So we arranged this respite. The home isn't up to the minute and posh in any way, but the staff are unhurried and best of all....kind, and they seemed to like my Dad, and they had found out loads about him by the time we picked him up, and he was in no hurry to leave. I'm not under any illusion that we are out of the woods yet, and I have no idea how today will go, especially tonight when he has to go to bed, but I just wanted to share a golden moment where things were in no way as bad as I thought they'd be, in fact I couldn't have asked for better, and in that endless groundhog battle that caring for someone with dementia takes you to, I wanted to share something optimistic. I hope you find your way through this soon, look after yourself...you're doing an amazing thing. x
Thanks for sharing that, makes me feel better. I think mum will settle, as you say its that initial taking someone. Today I am shaky again and the anticipation of how things will go on Tuesday is setting in.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
@Palerider , you have and will continue to be a fantastic son , you are doing what you are for your lovely mum because you love her and want what’s best for her . Tuesday will be the hardest time for you and the anticipation must be very hard . You will get through this and I can see that visits to your mum will be full of love and laughter as the pressures of caring have been eased slightly . Lots of hugs and strength sent . X
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
@Palerider of course your shaky, I was in bits when Mum went in for respite care so she could visit Dad!

to be honest I was in bits when the kids started pre- school, primary school, oh & university was like a bereavement!! Seriously!

empty nest syndrome- I don’t care how it comes about but our homes our nests & when a person isn’t around 24/7 it’s a big adjustment.
I think your Mum will love the attention & stimulation.
I speak as a mother myself & this is my personal view, so no - one take this as other than my personal wishes; I wouldn’t want my son or daughter to be my carers.
i am writing a living will to ensure that!
this is time to be the loving fun son again. enjoy those times & keep posting
Xx
 

Delilah63

Registered User
Jan 4, 2018
49
Thanks for sharing that, makes me feel better. I think mum will settle, as you say its that initial taking someone. Today I am shaky again and the anticipation of how things will go on Tuesday is setting in.
Well, when I took Dad I was very nervous that he would not want to go, so I did lots of deep breathing to settle myself then kept in mind that I was doing my best in a rubbish situation, and although it was hard, I kept in mind I had to give him cofidence by being strong. It seemed to help and I saved my good cry for later. You can do this, you have developed so much stregth during this time, loads more than you think and you are going to be doing your best for your mum. Good luck , be strong x
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Well, when I took Dad I was very nervous that he would not want to go, so I did lots of deep breathing to settle myself then kept in mind that I was doing my best in a rubbish situation, and although it was hard, I kept in mind I had to give him cofidence by being strong. It seemed to help and I saved my good cry for later. You can do this, you have developed so much stregth during this time, loads more than you think and you are going to be doing your best for your mum. Good luck , be strong x
Thanks @Delilah63 it is indeed going to be a 'take deep breath' moment, even though I am tiring of things at home. I'm hopig the CH do a good job with mum when we arrive and help distract her.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Tonight mum was looking out of the window as darkness came and saying repeatedly ‘mum should be here by now, I wonder if she has gone home’ this was shortly followed by ‘where’s Simon, oh he’s probably gone to mums’, with no realisation Simon was stood next to her -me.

Those moments become ghostly, because as I stood next to mum, for a moment I remembered my gran and it all made it harder. I am lucky to have been loved the way I have, but now only distant memories prevail of a time that once was. If I could wind back the clock for a moment I would. Just to see gran again and to give me one of her big hugs and kisses and huge smile and I would feel better again.

There was a time here where we live in our small community we would have a bonfire for Nov 5th, but now that as been stopped. We would all gather with neighbours, some of which we might not have seen for most of the year and talk. Now, we have local bursts of fireworks from nowhere and whom no one knows anymore, which we never had before, we used just have a bonfire and hot food. I find this all very sad as one of the last remaining locals slowly fades away -mum.

But mum is going home, she is going to the heart of where her great and great great grandparents lived and married, ironically the CH is right where home historically was.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,766
Yorkshire
Aww big hugs (x) Though not as good as your grans I'm sure they're sent to you virtually from people who reads your posts, x
If I could wind back the clock. If I could turn back time. Oh I wish we could x
I saw a facebook post with a picture of the delorean from the film back to the future the other day with something about going back in time to do things differently, I thought that theres lots of things I'd like to have done different but if I went back in time I think maybe I'd use it to go back to do some of the nice things again, do them just the same to relive happy memories. Xx
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
I'm feeling prity miserable this morning but trying to keep composed for mum. My brother said he would get David (mums eldest grandchild) to come and see her today, which would be good as she somehow has an attachement to him even now. It would also be good to have someone to distract me for an hour of the day.

Its really wierd I feel such apprehension and mum is only going into a CH, but it feels so final, what is wrong with me....?
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,825
cornwall
I'm feeling prity miserable this morning but trying to keep composed for mum. My brother said he would get David (mums eldest grandchild) to come and see her today, which would be good as she somehow has an attachement to him even now. It would also be good to have someone to distract me for an hour of the day.

Its really wierd I feel such apprehension and mum is only going into a CH, but it feels so final, what is wrong with me....?
I think we all worry about how the PWD is going to cope.It is a natural thing especially after being the sole carer.
I hope things improve for you today..
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Morning @Palerider, there is no getting around it, it is a really horrible feeling and tomorrow (forgive me if I'm wrong but I think that is when were were taking Mum to the CH) will be very tough for you. I remember it very well, it really doesn't matter if it is the best thing for your Mum all common sense is overridden by guilt. As I mentioned previously my apprehension and guilt were totally unfounded and Mum had a much richer life and better care and safety and reassurance, There probably will be some 'issues' at the home there usually are as someone settles, and you will probably still be anxious until both you and Mum get used to the new routines. Stay strong and take it a day at a time. All the best for tomorrow.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Morning @Palerider , I don’t think there is anything wrong with you . I am just in the process of considering a home but I too feel that finality about it, guess because it will be their last home . Hopefully a calming happy time for mum and you to come . I am willing you through this with the least amount of stress and anxiety as possible . Be thinking of you tom. Big hugs . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
I hope tomorrow go smoothly if nothing else for you and your Mum. I am sure thoughts will run riot in your head whilst you are trying to appear calm for your Mum. Just have some ‘treat’ waiting for you when you get back. Will be there in thoughts for you
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,766
Yorkshire
I think how you're feeling is normal, its a big day tomorrow and no doubt you'll worry about how she'll settle and if its the right thing to do and lots of other feelings will be racing round today. You're trying to help your mum to keep her safe and well but negative feelings and thoughts always slip in unwanted when they shouldn't. It'll be a big change for both of you and thats always stressful.
I have been reading all of your thread over the last few days and things have been very tough for you and it shows through your posts how much you love your mum, you have and are both lucky to have each other, your mum is a lucky woman x
Will be thinking of you and your mum tomorrow, hope it goes as smooth and stress free as possible. Hope you'll let us know how you go on when you feel up to posting xxx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
No wonder you are a bundle of nerves- this is nerve wracking! Deep breaths & try not to hyperventilate!

we on TP will be there with you in thought, & here for you as & when you need us

((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))

Hope all goes well xx
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
579
Hi @Palerider - I, along with lots of others on here, have been thinking of you today and are willing you onwards for tomorrow.
I have been where you are ......... and it's horrid. No other word for it. You feel like ****! But it will become so much better.

When Mum went into residential care, I tried hard to look at things this way ...... if someone could offer me somewhere where Mum was safe, well looked after, had someone with her all the time, would second guess when she needed medical assistance, would see and realise (because they would be with her all the time) when she needed the next stage of extra help - wouldn't that be perfect? If I could go and visit Mum as often as I wanted, have a happy time with her, being fresh and rested, rather than beaten down by the 'what's the problem now and how do I deal with it?' - wouldn't that be great?

You will have ups and downs as Mum settles, and there will be humps in the road as you and Mum journey onwards, but life for you both, will become secure, safe and settled.

I am a Mum, and I would not want my daughter to feel guilty if she had to make such a decision for me. I know my Mum would feel the same, and I guess your Mum (if she was able) would want this for you.

I think you have been remarkable in the love and care you have shown your Mum. Stay strong, my thoughts and prayers are with you both tonight and tomorrow.

XX
 
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