A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,259
    Female
    Chester
    I'm sorry it has come to this, you want your mum to be safe. Sending a (((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))
     
  2. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    558
    @Palerider, I know this isn't what either of you wanted but respite will give you some breathing space to decide what needs to be done next. When will she go?
    Sending you hugs {{{palerider}}}
     
  3. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Thanks @jugglingmum and @Sarasa

    I haven't told mum that she is going, I have ran it by her (test the water) and now she is saying she likes being here. But this is where we are at -constant flipping between wanting to be here and then somewhere else

    I don't know how she will be, but I will take her, Its going to brokerage tomorrow and they will let me know which CH they have found, and then they will do a home visit to see her and whether the CH is the right place for her for respite. If she is too distressed then she will come home, but if she setles then obviously she will stay.

    I have spoken again with mums SIL (her long standing friend) and she has supported me on this 100%. My invisible brother feels the same, although I am sure he has an ulterior motive, but theres not much he can do and I couldn't disagree with his concerns tbh, though my eyes did glaze over when he started telling me all about his problems rather than talk about mum.

    I am apprehensive how this will go, but I have thought about how she must feel when she is alone here. The trouble with mum is that she has always put on a brave face even when she has not been happy at times, she's a tough nut -but that won't help now as making sense of her world becomes more difficult, especially with no one to keep her company in the day. For me it is difficult, but I have to stop seeing it as an ending and rather a new beginning, though I think it will take me sometime to get used to it
     
  4. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    447
    Female
    My oh had 2 weeks in respite @Palerider a few months ago after a uti episode...and as much as I don’t like doing it I told a few love lies... that he needed some convalescence after being poorly ..he accepted that (( I didn’t tell he was going until the evening before. He settled well but always asked when I visited am I coming home today. ... I did visit him every day but at different and varied times . We were lucky in that he was ok with it..I know it doesn’t always work for everyone.
    I do hope that it all goes well for you both it’s extremely hard especially when you have to work so far away. My thoughts are with you ((( hugs))) do take care of you as well A x
     
  5. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Thanks @Starbright

    I feel as if I am waiting to see the school dentist (if anyone remembers that torture), sat here waiting for the phone call. Mum is oblivious and I am purposely not showing any signs of worry as I know she will pick up on it.

    I have had to go off sick with stress, its not an easy decision but when responsible for someones life the thought of making a mistake through not being focussed worried me and after a chat with two good colleagues they convinced me not to go to work while my head is all over the place worrying about mum.
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,259
    Female
    Chester
    I think this is a good call - hopefully your head will be in a better place soon.

    Have they indicated how long things will take?
     
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    As soon as they get a response from brokerage they will call me, so probably lunch time or after being realistic
     
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,259
    Female
    Chester
    Does this mean mum will be going to CH today, or might it drag out until tomorrow?
     
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Looks like it might drag on till tomorrow :(
     
  10. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Getting to that time of the day where mum wants to go for a drive, so I will have to oblige and carry on as normal, it will be shorter than usual today though
     
  11. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Well well the invisible brother despite saying he would come to visit mum today to check on her while I am at work did not appear. Having taken the day off I decided to wait for him before taking mum out as he said he would visit at 12. I am so annoyed with him and it isnt very often I get this angry with people but I have called him and he was caught by surprise. I have just wiped the floor with him over it as it was a stupid thing to do given the circumstances and him raising his own concerns. Clearly even now at this stage he cannot be bothered to help or assist, I am utterly fed up with him.
     
  12. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    507
    Female
    High Peak
    Not surprised you're annoyed. I sometimes find with mine I have to do all his thinking for him as he just doesn't do any for himself :mad:
     
  13. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    Just off the phone with SS finally, won't know until tomorrow or next week about respite placement, so its make the most of it weekend with mum until we get a place.


    I am furious to be honest and I think he now knows that
     
  14. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,463
    I am so sorry for your plight. We all struggle to keep our people at home, I know I can only do it as I am here 24/7. Younger people are able to do this. You have done more than many would have done for your Mum.
    Please do not let 'guilt' disable you. You will be needed just as much but in a different way. You know that you need to monitor her care, administrate her affairs.
    I know it is hard to have to make a decision alone but you will not get the brickbats either, some siblings can be quite unhelpful. Cheer yourself up with this idea. The helpline will act as a sounding board as will people on here.
    Find a home for yourself and your own needs. Make this your refuge to support what you now need to do.
    You have been such an asset to us all on here.
    You know we are all supporting you at this very painful time. Be kind to yourself, xxx
     
  15. Toony Oony

    Toony Oony Registered User

    Jun 21, 2016
    491
    Hi @Palerider - just had a quick catch up with how things are going with those I follow on here. Gosh in the short space of 10 days so much has happened for you! Birthdays, blasts from the past and your poor Mum.

    I have been away for a much needed week in the sun - I was fit for nothing as this has been a horrendous year for both me and my husband - not just the worry of Mum but a whole lot more stuff. I didn't really want to leave Mum, but had to agree to go for the sake of my OH. I literally just conked out and slept, and slept and slept. My ever present gastric and heart racing issues disappeared ....... only to creep back once I visited Mum on my return! During my absence the CH was on lockdown from D and V and Mum was really poorly - my daughter kept me updated and just to add a bit of spice to my week away, I broke a tooth in half 48 hours before leaving, so was running round like an idiot, doing last minute visits to Mum and finding an emergency dentist. Life is never simple is it?
    Enough about me though, what I wanted to say was:
    • Belated Happy Birthday
    • You may have had some bad experiences with partners in the past - but you could do with some support at the moment and a friendly ear (even better if that friendly ear has a decent face and body attached!!!) even just for a chat online or a drink is not such a bad thing.
    • I have found with my Mum (who is much, much further down the dementia road than yours) that every UTI, illness etc takes her longer to get over and leaves her a little bit worse than she was before. Sad - but true.
    • I promised my Dad when he was dying, that I would always look after my Mum and do the best I could for her. As an only one, I had no siblings to discuss things with - Mum's side of the family are only girls of only girls as far as we can trace. In some ways that is good - but I have to be 110% sure on each and every decision I make. My first post on TP was beating myself up as I could see no other solution at that time but to find a CH for Mum. I felt a real fraud at the time, as so many others on here seemed to have it so much worse than me. I truly felt I was giving in and letting everyone down. When Mum went into care I was shocked as she seemed to deteriorate so quickly - but then I realised that she had been constantly putting on an act. Once in the CH she relaxed and didn't feel the need to 'keep her end up' and the true level of her dementia was apparent.
    • Putting Mum into residential care was a sad decision, but the only sensible one. I wanted her to have people there for her 24/7. Our time together since then has generally been quality time as I am no longer 'fire-fighting' what has happened and what might happen. On her worst days I can keep going and be bright and loving despite what she says, as I am able to leave, trusting the CH to care for her.
    Suffice to say, I know from my own experience that the coming days will probably be the hardest and worst you have been through of late. Keep that smile painted on for Mum, and I hope that everything will resolve itself soon.

    Finally, a slightly medical quote to make you laugh - ' This too will pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but this too will pass'.

    Thinking of you both X
     
  16. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    @AliceA thank you for your words, I didn't expect you to write and it to just fall into place as it has. Its quite amazing how sometimes when we next look there is a better and greater wisdom than our own :)

    You have helped me get back on track tonight, so thank you xx
     
  17. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    #697 Palerider, Oct 17, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2019
    And so much happenned to you!! broken tooth and dentist...meh I couldn't be doing with the dentist bit I would have just gone, much to my detriment later.

    Sounds like you were able to travel and switch off most of the time, so good for you. D&V is always a worry in the elderly especially in a home, but it is something that cannot be avoided, no matter what you do there is always 'a risk'

    Ugh the blast from the past, I was stunned about, but realised quickly that he was just looking for permission, why I don't really know to be honest, but it dredged up the past for a while. Sometimes we do have to allow others to let go and move on, even if we never thought they needed that. But it brought with it old self doubts, I guess.

    I too promised dad that I would look after mum when he was dying. It wasn't easy as we had alot to talk about and he got tired at times. I will never forget him telling me very clearly about mum at a time that went so quickly. I will never forget the doctors asking to speak to me and dad just looked at me and said 'I don't want to know'. Of course we talked about his cancer and also DNAR decision - I kept my word and never told him.

    I think mum too puts on a brave act, when really she doesn't need to, but here we are. I think this is going to be the hardest part of this journey, that is taking her to a care home and leaving her. For some it doesn't matter so much as they didn't have a close relationship understandably they are bound with the caring duty, but for me it will burn into my mind forever as I leave someone I care about very much in the hands of strangers. And by God they had best do well, or they will have me to face.


    There is lots I haven't yet answered to you, but I will come back after thinking some more. Glad you had a break, sounds to me like you just needed to rest and then enjoy the remaining break
     
  18. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,463
    Just a little non dualistic thinking perhaps, you knew it and I reminded. :)
     
  19. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    895
    Male
    North West
    I am having a moment that I think just about everyone goes through on here about placing mum into care, I am now having doubts a she is much better today. Any thoughts would be welcome....:(
     
  20. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    The dreaded what if, why am I, why can’t I, questioning every thing thoughts. Horrid and unnecessary but we all think them

    There is a very good reason why mum is moving to care and the reason is not because you are a failure or needing to put yourself first or any other reason apart from your mum probably needs to be in care so that she has a quality of life without outside worries that having dementia she can’t deal with. She may even get an opportunity to relax from hostess mode and so seem more content

    It’s an unbelievably painful, guilt wracked, worrying time when you think of best interests which you feel you should be able to provide but can’t so you have to “let them go” and move someone into care. It’s not an easy place to be to realise that dementia takes away so much that you have to make these decisions. It feels like it’s against your better judgement, but in reality it’s your better judgement that makes these decision

    Does that make sense, I know what I’m trying to say but not sure if it’s coming across the way I mean it to xxxxx
     

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