A lifelong friend and me

[Palerider]

Yes it is an amazing photo isn't it @Grannie G. In answer to a previous question it was my grandad taking the picture, he and mum were very close which probably explains that smile she has. I'm sending a digital copy to have it printed into a larger size and then have it framed.

Last night I called aunt Ruth, one of two only surving immediate family mum has left. Ruth lost her husband several weeks ago and it was the first conversation I'd had with her since the funeral. Mum and Ruth were good friends throughout their lives, so it seemed right to chat about where things are now. We had a good catch up and she was amazingly helpful in telling me to move on. We talked briefly about lots of things from the past and it was good to have caught up, made me realise how mum would have thought about things as they are now.

 

[Woo2]

How nice to chat to Aunt Ruth, i always find it helpful to speak to older relatives /family as they say it as it is , and impart their wisdom . Glad it helped you .

 

[Sarasa]

That is a wonderful photo @Palerider. Good to chat with close family. I always find mum's friends are good to talk to, and very supportive of what has happened.
Things will fall into place, one emptied box at a time.

 

[Palerider]

Today I am unpacking all the things I brought with me, some old and some new. The sugar bowel that I bought years ago, dropped on the floor and glued by mum in the hope no one would notice, but best of all the Greek urn I brought home from Olympia itself. Mum as with many things had knocked it off its shelf and in her rush to fix it she had badly glued the bits back on -I still chuckle at how the urn from Greece has been somehow transformed with glue lines

 

[Palerider]

I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.
I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!

Copyrighted. Qouted for educational purposes, Poem by Samuel Ellsworth

 

[Lone Wolf]

I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.
I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!

Cpyrighted. Qouted for educational purposes, Poem by Samuel Ellsworth

Thank you for the poignant poem Palerider. The words so eloquently express not just the feelings but also the reality of the never-ending battle of caring for a loved one with dementia, which has been intensified by the shielding and visiting restrictions of covid-19. No matter what the difficulties, just keep fighting to do your best for your loved one, whether they are at home or in hospital or in care. The more this awful disease (dementia) progresses, the more your loved one needs your fighting spirit.

 

[Palerider]

Thank you for the poignant poem Palerider. The words so eloquently express not just the feelings but also the reality of the never-ending battle of caring for a loved one with dementia, which has been intensified by the shielding and visiting restrictions of covid-19. No matter what the difficulties, just keep fighting to do your best for your loved one, whether they are at home or in hospital or in care. The more this awful disease (dementia) progresses, the more your loved one needs your fighting spirit.

Absolutely

 

[Palerider]

Today there is no avoiding how I am feeling, inbetween unpacking and being distracted by avoidance tactics. I have realised how lonely I have become especially with lockdown stopping any mixing with friends and family .

Today isn't as easy as yesterday, but I think thats down not having much distraction around me -it all just feels too much, but not alot I can do about it. Work tomorrow so I need to get things sorted and then, hopefully some human contact will bring me back to an even keel, because right now I feel dreadful -was this inevitable?

 

[canary]

I often find that when I have been incredibly busy and then have a day with no set framework, that I have a "down" day and cant get my head round anything. Im sure you are also dealing with the grief of first losing your mum that was and now losing the family home.
I expect you will feel better tomorrow - I do hope so
xx

 

[lemonbalm]

The first few days in a new house can be a bit of an anti-climax I think, before you've found a good place for everything and feel a bit lost. You've had a lot to deal with and are probably exhausted emotionally and physically too and, of course, we are living in a very strange and rather lonely world at the moment. I hope that your new house can wrap itself around you and make you feel at home very soon.

Better day tomorrow.

 

[Just me]

Felling lonely is awful but more so at the minute when contact with friends is restricted and you’ve had to deal with do much on your own.
Hopefully you’ll start to feel more settled in your new home and that going back to work will help.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Palerider, it is a very lonely time, I think sometimes moving to somewhere unfamiliar can exacerbate those feelings. I would imagine once you are settled in your new home it may help you to feel more settled in yourself . You have had a lot to process in the last few weeks and that can take it's toll, especially not being able to see Mum on her birthday, that was very tough. I expect work is very busy at the moment with the situation where you are, and I'm guessing will have it's own stresses. Take care of yourself, wishing you all the best.

 

[Palerider]

Feeling slightly better than the last time I posted. Thanks everyone for the comments of support. I guess this part of the journey is something that becomes very individualised/internalised and it becomes harder to express what is going on, because its not about any one thing anymore. Its about moving on from all of it and letting go -if that makes sense. The hardest part is making all of these decisions while mum is still here. As I posted months ago, this was probably the last big job in sorting mums affairs out as well as myself and it is almost completed now .

This week I am tempted to do extra work to fill the void -one minute all consuming and now huge gaps. But for the next week or so I am going to resist the habit of mine of throwing myself into more work to occupy myself and end up burned out, though the money would be useful as the old sofa is too large in the new place. I need to downsize to a two seat sofa -so more letting go of attachment to objects from the past. Its funny, there was a time I wouldn't have thought twice about this, but now it seems to linger -such an easy decision to make over a sofa anyone would think

So Warrington is now entering tier 3 lockdown and there is no chance currently of being allowed to visit mum. I spoke with mums nurse and they are not even discussing visiting in their meetings at the moment, so I think as a team of direct carers they have collectively decided for themoment visiting isn't possible in tier 3 lockdown. This week with moving my local MP has of course changed, so its time to put pen to paper and say hello I am here with this burning issue yet again.

As we move forward with coronavirus and Covid-19 I think we are going to have to accept that it is now on the verge of moving past pandemic to being endemic and it will have to take its place eventually alongside influenza.

 

[Palerider]

Today has been a catching up day. I decided that I needed a new mat for the bath/shower as I recall slipping in my old London appartment one night and being out cold for a couple of hours before coming round -same with the bath mat ensuring it has a rubber under side to avoid slipping as well. I'm older now and not as agile as I used to be plus being on my own means thinking about things that little bit more.

It has been a weird day, rain non-stop but despite this people were out in force doing there necessary shopping before tier 3 lockdown fully kicks in in Warrington. I had popped to Dunelm for a new twin bin as the recycling here is more complicated than East Cheshire. I picked a few other items up too -why I don't know but I guess this was the shopping-feel good factor??

Things are more settled, but I keep on looking back. Not because of anything to do with 'letting go' but I don't want to forget the memories I have. Today I sat in the car waiting for the rain to stop and closed my eyes for a few moments and reminisced and wondered where did all the time go?

 

[Palerider]

Its an irony that I should sit here and think I am at journey's end with this thread. But the reality is there is not much more to be said or done now on 'A Lifelong Friend and Me'. It is almost time to say goodbye. In the next few days to weeks the road now takes a different turn and all that is essentially left is to ensure my beautiful mum comes to a peaceful end. I will keep on posting until I decide its time to say goodbye ....

 

[Palerider]

Just of the phone with mums fab nurse F. Mum was reviewed on Friday by the GP (routine review) and they have decided there is nothing more than can do for mums legs -I already knew this, but I guess they have show they have revisited the issue. I am in agreement with the plan as it now stands which is basically one of comfort and minimising any distress and eat for pleasure (if that is possible). Its difficult to balance her pain control as she is close to needing the higher level analgesics (morphine) so for now they have decided to stay with the skin patch of fentanyl for pain and accept her aches as tolerable -which to be fair mums legs have played up for years. They are going to trial sleeping tablets to see if they can get mum to rest -she is up all night long and then into the day constantly sundowing -something I hoped would have passed by now.

I often wonder what must be going through her mind when she is like this. I can only assume that she is looking for her parents to whom she was very close and very loved.

 

[anxious annie]

Such a tough time for you @Palerider. Hoping they can keep your lovely mum as pain free as possible. Would this not class as "exceptional circumstances" so you can visit, even in Tier 3?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Palerider, like @anxious annie I was wondering if these were the sort of circumstances in which you should be able to visit your mother. The home sounds excellent, so is there a way for you to do it I hope they will be able to find it.
Thinking of you and your lovely mum.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Palerider, it sounds as though Mum is getting the best care that she can, which I'm sure gives peace of mind. Perhaps they should find a way for you to be able to see Mum now - I'm sure you will know more than any of us whether that time is now here. It must be a very painful time for you. I wish you well - take care of yourself.

 

[Palerider]

Thanks @anxious annie @Sarasa and @Pete1

The difficulty is that mum is so up and down just lately its hard to gauge where she is at, which makes visiting more significant. I am working the next two days and will think about how I move forward with this situation at the weekend when I have time to think about the best approach from here on, either way I haven't given up on making my voice heard